call me Zen

✦ 19 ✦ ENTJ ✦ a hopeless romantic ✦ Request OPEN ✦

[codnasties]

let me tell you something, writing smut? easy. but writing proper angst? those are the people that are extremely talented like yes break my heart through words

[zendariii]

Man I wish I can actually write smut 😔 IDK why but everytime I try to write sth 90% of the time it derailed into angst 😭😭😭

I want to be horny over my favs characters too goddamnit 😔😔😔

[zendariii]

Ok now youre magically writing something about reader seeing ghost simon it something or we are gonna have a little talk…*cracks knuckles* .. ill be waiting for that part two 👿👿

Not really good at writing happy endings so please be gentle about this yea guys 🥹 the writer has a very sensitive heart 🥺

[Previous]

It was hard for Ghost to come to terms with the fact that he's actually dead. I mean, it would be hard for anyone who hasn't spent a lot of time with their loved ones while they're still alive. Ghost thought about everything that he didn't get to experience with you, every time he told you, "Let's do that later, love? I'm busy right now." He regrets a lot of things, but not getting to live that domestic life with you? He would trade anything to fix that.

"Anything, you said?" A formless voice had asked him.

"Yes."

"Then it shall be granted."

Ghost who woke up inside the medical ward of the base. Everything around him felt dull, but somehow, he was still alive. He could hear someone sobbing inside the room. It took a while, but eventually he realised that it was you who was crying.

"Love? S'that you?"

"Simon!! Oh, thanks heaven you're awake! You have no idea how worried I was. Let me go get the doctor for you-"

You were about to bolt out of the room until you felt a hand holding you back. One look at Ghost and you immediately understood what he wanted to say, even without any words. Please don't go, don't leave me alone.

"John just went out to get coffee for me, so he should be back soon. I'll stay with you in the meantime, yeah? Here, hold my hand, Si."

You sat back down on the bed next to Ghost, relishing in the touch of your husband. It had been a long, painful month of you staring at the unconscious Ghost, counting the days until he woke up again.

Suddenly, Ghost tightened his grip, and you felt a sharp pain. though he doesn't look like he realised what he was doing, so you gently told him.

"Si? You're hurting me with how tight you're gripping. I'm not going anywhere, see?"

"...Wot? I'm barely touching, love..?"

"Do you-Do you not feel how tight you're holding my hand?" Ghost shaked his head. "I-I need to call John, this can't be normal."

You were right; the result came back, and Ghost had Hypoesthesia, causing him to experience sensory loss as a side effect of his injuries. The doctors said that they don't know how long until he recovers completely, that is, if he can even recover completely.

With a condition like that, Ghost was presented with two choices: either he gets honourably discharged, or transferred to a less physically demanding position (in other words, an instructor for new recruits or a desk job). Which worked out perfectly because he already filed for a transfer before leaving for this mission.

The day Ghost was discharged from medbay and was sent home for rest, he told you to wait by the car while he went back to his office to grab some stuff.

What you didn't expect was Ghost going down on one knee when he gets back to you.

"Love, I know this is not the best place nor time, but I almost didn't have the chance to do this, and I would rather not take a risk anymore. Love, would you do me the honour-"

As expected, Ghost did not manage to get to the end of his speech before you excitedly yelled yes and jumped to hug him.

Years later, as Simon, now retired, and you sat on the couch to watch that one movie (that had become background noise due to both of you memorising the script front to back), he couldn't help but think about how lucky he was to get the opportunity to change the course of destiny.

Someone please tell me why is it so hard to write happy ending fluff for Simon 😭 This took me days and even now I'm not too satisfied with this 💔💔

On a different note, I reached 100 followers?!?! How did this even happen?? I almost feel like I don't deserve this 🥹🥹 Thank you to everyone who took their time to read, likes and reblog my stuff, u guys are the best 🫶🫶

[semenriley]

Imagine!! Simon being an absolute menace when he's drunk. He would down shot after shot until he is tripping on his own feet. And mind you - it takes a lot to make this mountain of a man drunk. Today was special, it was celebration of a mission with zero casualities and every soldier returning unharmed. So everyone was getting piss drunk. Soap was busy flirting with the cute bartender, Gaz was throwing his boots away to show them "special moves I learnt on Youtube". Price was busy ordering drinks and stressing over the bill.

And oh the moment Ghost spots you in club - you must run before he catches you. You try to walk away to a different spot with other medics but he was even faster when drunk.

He grabs you from behind glaring at others to walk away - like a dog who found his owner after getting lost in dog park.

"Hm..hurh...woman don't squirm. Stop wiggling like a fish" he would bury his face in your neck while you try to pry his hands away from your shoulders.

"Sir. You need to go home and sleep"

"Hush no. Where's fun in that. Wanna dance with my wife".

"I'm not your wife Sir I'm your medic-

"Future wife" he slurs before collapsing on the nearest couch pulling you by your elbows to sit besides him.

"Think I'm getting old to dance" he pulls his mask above his nose to drink another glass only for you to snatch it away.

The bastard would grin and chuckle when you try to make him sit straight. He knows he is too big for you to manhandle.

"You're too small for a medic" he mumbles reaching out to caress your cheeks with his knuckles. For a man who washed his hands after a handshake, he always wanted to touch you when he gets piss drunk. Even if it's a gentle tap on shoulders, or an arm on your back and a hand around your waist whenever a civilian man would try approaching you.

"Sir uh people are seeing, you're their Lt" you prop him on couch as he intentionally lets go of his body-control to have you fussing. He was not even trying!!!

"And you're my woman...my wo woman... they can piss off if it bothers them. Let me show you off" he says smiling ear to ear...Gods his brown eyes look so sweet when he's drunk. This is the closest he has ever been...the moment he is sober - he would go back to being a grump who would rather shove his dick in a grinder than admit his feelings.

So you pull out your phone to make a video of him as evidence. Maybe you can send this on the groupchat for boys to see. And maybe this will embarass him enough to finally admit he likes you (a lot).

You gasp as he pulls you into his lap spreading his thighs wider for you to sit comfortably. You could feel his roomkeys poking your thighs and you wince. He hears it and puts his palm beneath your thigh moving you closer to him..his thumbs stroking the skin they held so gently you could've cried then and there.

"Now record...this angle's better isn't it princess" he mumbles shoving his face in your hair.

"My sweetest angel, my blessing"

You laugh and press record on your phone and move it higher to see his face - he was smiling like a baby and sniffing your hair.

After few seconds, the moment you set your phone aside - you hear a groan. The big respectable Lieutanant of 141, whom everyone fears is now asleep and snoring in public. His head was thrown back as his lips part open...some whiskey on the corners making them glossy. His hands loosely wrapped around your waist and thighs to keep you on his lap even in sleep.

Soap and Gaz had to carry him out of the club and shove his ass in the jeep back to base while listening to his drunken words all the way - "My wife made me drinkk sooo much". "Bagged the prettiest woman ever, bet she's hidinggg her wiiinggs".

Oh he would have the worst day in his life when he sees the video on group - maybe he should face the truth afterall.

[zendariii]

I'm sorry in advance for what you're about to read 🥹

[Next]

Imagine Ghost who is at his wit's end because you keep giving him the cold shoulder ever since he got back. He know he promised that the mission was only going to be a week long and that he would be back before you even realised. But then something happened and a week turned into three whole months. Ghost had missed your birthday, the anniversary of you two, and even Christmas which he had promised he would spend at your family with you this year.

Ghost understand that you would be mad, but it's been three whole days and you had not even said a single word to him. Ghost wasn't great with words, so when he first came back, he had tried to help you around the house. But whenever he tried to help in any way he could, you just walked away without even sparing a single glance.

At this point, Ghost is straight up desperate for your forgiveness, and he needs it fast. You didn't know but Ghost actually planned to propose to you right after the mission is over. He prepared the rings, planned a honeymoon vacation, Ghost even filled out a transfer request to a desk job because he knew how you always worried about him when he go on missions. Price had smiled when he received the documents, saying how Ghost had finally found the family for himself.

"Yep, she's the one, sir." Ghost remembered saying with a fond smile.

So today, Ghost is a man set on a mission. He wore his best shirt, huh, when did you move all of his clothes to the dresser in the second bedroom, and prepare a fancy dinner full of your favourite food, strange, he went to make a cuppa while waiting and couldn't find his favourite cup anywhere.

But still, Ghost was hopeful. And so far, everything was going great. And while you still haven't said anything to him yet, at least you didn't move away when Ghost wraps his arm around you while watching movies on the couch.

"Bloody hell sweetheart, you really do love this movie ay? I can practically recite the whole damn script after so many times watching it with you." Still no reply, but Ghost wasn't going to give up so easily.

It was later that night when there was a knock at the door, Ghost was prepared to stand up and open the door but you beat him to it. It was a bit of a surprise to see his captain on the other side of the entrance, and Ghost can't help but feel a bit jealous over how you easily hug Price.

"How're you holding up, kid? I know it's been hard for you these couple of days. Johnny and Kyle really wanted to come along today but they had something urgent come up and-"

"I-it's alright John, I understand. Please, come in and have a seat. I'll make some tea."

"No need, kid. I won't be taking too much of your time. But before that, have you been taking care of yourself? You know Simon would hate it if he knew you've been neglecting yourself."

"It's....fine. I just finished eating some takeout and was just watching some movies for.... old time sake."

"Good, good." Price said as he took out a small velvet box. "We, uh, we found this. In his office. And we think that you would like to have this, kid. I'm sorry."

Once Ghost had registered that the small box was actually the rings he bought, he almost ready to jump across the table to take it back but stopped mid way because he heard you begin to cry.

"Oh God, John, I can't do this, John. I-I just can't. Please, John, please tell me that all of this is just a horrible nightmare and that my Simon isn't-! Please, I beg of you, I can't! He can't be dead John!!"

What? Ghost thought. But he's not dead? He's right here though? The mission was a success wasn't it? Ghost finally tracks the enemy down, sneaks through their defense and gets the information needed. Then he snuck back out and went back to the safe house and oh, right, he was shot, wasn't he? Ghost was shot just as he finally reached the safehouse. He never managed to get back to you like he promised before he left, never get to take you on that vacation, never get to propose to you.

It was finally then that Ghost realised you never gave him the cold shoulder, you just couldn't see him anymore.

Not-so-fun fact, I originally planned that instead of Price who knock, it was actually a robber and then Ghost would have been forced to watch his lovie get hurt while not being able to do anything but I feel like that would be too much angst in a single post so you guys have this instead :33 Hope you enjoyed 🫶

[zendariii]

Personally I feel like Ghost's daughter would be such a papa's girl. And of course, in return, Ghost is completely unable to say no to her.

This little girl can ask for literally anything on Earth and Ghost would do it for her without thinking twice (well, right after he begged for your permission because he can't afford to upset either one of his two most important people in the world now, can't he).

It was Christmas, the three of you had just spend the whole day with each other doing fun things and was on your way coming back home when Ghost asked you if he can stop at toy shop to buy one last present for her (the two of you already gave a bunch of toys to her earlier but Ghost has a bad habit of spoiling your little girl, and you weren't going to stop him anytime soon).

"Alright, Sweetheart, which one of these two would you like to get?" Ghost asked as he crouch down to her level, two big stuffed toys in each of his hands.

You two watch as your daughter went deep in thought before waddle toward her dad and......pushed the two toys aside to hug Ghost.

"You, dada, I want to play with you!!" She exclaimed cheerfully and you can see the exact moment Ghost's love for this little human being over spilled out of his heart, because yours did too.

Later that night after your daughter was tucked in her bed and sound asleep, Ghost and you stay on the couch in the living room to watch some cheesy romance, his arms around your waist.

"Thank you, luv, for giving me the family I never thought I could have. You never know how much all of this means to me." He kissed your temple.

"Of course, Si. Merry Christmas to you, too."

It's almost Christmas and that's mean a short and sweet fluff for you guys 🫶🫶 Hope you had a great time reading this and wishing you an early Merry Christmas 🌷

[zendariii]

Consider this duo:

Ghost, who was famous on the battlefield for his superior surrounding awareness while sniping. I'm not talking able to hear the footsteps of enemies or see them in the corner of his eyes. I'm talking able to correctly know their exact position and how many there are, even before the enemies spot him. It was straight down uncanny, like he has an extra set of eyes always watching his back, because how on Earth can you know someone is planning to sneak up on you before they actually sneak up on you.

Vs

Ghost!Reader, as in an actual ghost, haunting his ass and making sure he isn't taken out by enemies too early because he promise he would find out the people who wronged you and take revenge for you. Being invisible to anyone but Ghost, you would scout the area around him while he was focus on his sniper and warn him when someone was coming near him. Turns out having a second pair of eyes on your back really decrease the chance of someone sneaking up on you.

And as reward for helping him, Ghost would let you have full control over the TV in his room once the mission is over, letting you choose whatever you want to see and watch it with you (he is secretly super invested in your current favourite K-drama but he would never admit it).

Is this anything? I feel like this is sth.

I'm already planning the next part, which is about how the two meet and how it ends up with the Reader haunting the Ghost in the first place lol

[zendariii]

Whatever you do, don't think about how suddenly one day, Ghost stares at you and realized he might not be able to accompany you to the end of your life.

The line of work he's in doesn't allow that kind of luxury. There is no guaranteed of tomorrow and Ghost know that well.

That's why one day, he begin to make preparation for you. Legal documents that he thought you might have trouble filling, a fund to make sure that at least he can still protect you financially, and connections to people who would ensure your safety. And only after Ghost has every possible precaution done did he finally able to rest his mind and continue working.

Cut to years later, that box contains everything he did was still gathering dust under your shared bed. And Ghost leave for yet another mission.

So imagine the shock when Ghost finally comeback after fighting through hell to complete the objective. And as he step down to the Tarmac, what welcome him was John's solemn expression.

"It's good to have you back, Simon. But I'm afraid I have some difficult news."

"No, don't do this to me John." Ghost had been in the military long enough to recognize the "Talk." He saw his teammates looking at their boots, unable to meet his gaze. He saw the folder in John’s hand.

"I'm sorry, Simon. I truly am."

Imagine Ghost who would've never in his wildest nightmare thought that you would be the one to leave first. He had prepared for your grief, for your financial security, for your safety in a world without him.

Ghost had never prepared for a world without you.

Yea this was shitty, but at least it's done now. Tbh I didn't know where I was going with this but I just need to let it out so I hope it at least make some kind of sense to you guys. English is not my first language so pls excuse any grammar mistake, I tried my best. Thanks for reading to the end of this mess 🥹🫶

[dreamingoreflection]

For GODS SAKE WHY DO I KEEP RUNNING INTO ANGST WHEN IM ALREADY SENSITIVE

THIS WAS WONDERFUL YOU WERE WONDERFUL DONT CALL THIS SHITTY ITS NOT SHITTY ITS SO GOOD

IM CRYING

[zendariii]

Thank you so much for your kind words 🥹🫶🫶 It was my first time writing fanfic so I was a bit nervous, glad you enjoyed it though 🌷🌷

[zendariii]

Whatever you do, don't think about how suddenly one day, Ghost stares at you and realized he might not be able to accompany you to the end of your life.

The line of work he's in doesn't allow that kind of luxury. There is no guaranteed of tomorrow and Ghost know that well.

That's why one day, he begin to make preparation for you. Legal documents that he thought you might have trouble filling, a fund to make sure that at least he can still protect you financially, and connections to people who would ensure your safety. And only after Ghost has every possible precaution done did he finally able to rest his mind and continue working.

Cut to years later, that box contains everything he did was still gathering dust under your shared bed. And Ghost leave for yet another mission.

So imagine the shock when Ghost finally comeback after fighting through hell to complete the objective. And as he step down to the Tarmac, what welcome him was John's solemn expression.

"It's good to have you back, Simon. But I'm afraid I have some difficult news."

"No, don't do this to me John." Ghost had been in the military long enough to recognize the "Talk." He saw his teammates looking at their boots, unable to meet his gaze. He saw the folder in John’s hand.

"I'm sorry, Simon. I truly am."

Imagine Ghost who would've never in his wildest nightmare thought that you would be the one to leave first. He had prepared for your grief, for your financial security, for your safety in a world without him.

Ghost had never prepared for a world without you.

Yea this was shitty, but at least it's done now. Tbh I didn't know where I was going with this but I just need to let it out so I hope it at least make some kind of sense to you guys. English is not my first language so pls excuse any grammar mistake, I tried my best. Thanks for reading to the end of this mess 🥹🫶

[girl-lostconnection]

So..forgive me you're the first person I'm ever asking anything on Tumblr (Kinda new and I usually like to describe it like hiding in the corner and just watching everything quietly and leaving likes and I love your work) but I was thinking about your concept with 141 and reader dying and the notebook. Would there ever be a case where the others stumble upon it? Whether Price forgets (somehow) to put it away or someone's in the midst of searching for something and stumbles upon it?

Again, love your work, feel free to ignore this tho

Yeah, I think this type of readers people call “lurkers” which is cool🙂‍↕️you guys are usually the backbone of the audience, I enjoy you tremendously.

And that’s a really good question, anon!

You know what? Why not turn the heat up a little more for this pot with the frogs.

I can imagine Price not exactly forgetting it somewhere but harbouring it so close to himself that people start to notice. This specific notebook is always with him — under his armoured vest and in the front pocket of his shirts, on top of the stack of documents, edge of it peeking out of his pants pocket.

It’s always there when before he didn’t carry it with him. It’s small and simple, technically it shouldn’t rise any questions but Kyle is the first who notices it. Maybe because after your death he’s so sharply attuned to everyone else on the team, it’s practically unhealthy.

Kyle who watches John fumble with the leather bound corners of the little thing and wonders…what’s inside of it? They have been all grieving but your things have been taken by them all and shared fairly.

Simon doesn’t withhold your pictures or books with your annotations. Soap doesn’t say no when Gaz asks for one of the keychains. Kyle himself lets Simon and Johnny take one of your things each. Simon takes the big oversized T-shirt and Soap whisks away one of your hoodies, clutching it hard to himself, knuckles white with tension.

(Kyle will never admit but when he walked in on Johnny in hoodie with your name and rank on the back of it his knees buckled. For a moment a traitorous part of him thought you were there. For a moment he could breathe again)

So Price keeping something of you to himself almost felt unfair. It wasn’t, of course, no, Captain had every right to grieve and mourn in a way that made it easier for him.

But-

But Kyle missed you. Everyday and every morning he’d wake up, realisations hitting him again that you aren’t coming back. You are never coming back.

You disappeared so suddenly you were now everywhere.

The unwashed cup they couldn’t bring themselves to wash, the clothes and trinkets, the books and pictures. The notebooks.

Kyle remembers how you two played games in it, drawing X’s and O’s when debrief would get too long and your brains too sluggish to keep awake without external stimulation.

Kyle remembers you writing in them, so focused you oftentimes wouldn’t notice him getting closer until he’d plop himself down in front of you, pretending to pose. Your favourite model, wasn’t he?

Kyle remembers you smiling at him, eyes flickering to his face for a moment, your gaze so impossibly soft he feels like choking and burying himself next to you.

There is a whole life ahead. Kyle isn’t sure how to live it with a hole in this chest the size of your love.

It’s a selfish thought, maybe. Maybe he is selfish.

Maybe he should have been content with what he has been given. But he wasn’t.

So now he slips the notebook off Price’s desk when the man himself is so wrecked he can’t see straight. John’s drinking got worse after your death. Not yet enough to cause disciplinary action but enough to make them all worried.

Gaz has never seen him like that.

Why were they all lucky enough to meet you but not lucky enough to save you? Would the outcome be different if one of them went with you on that deployment? Could they save you if they knew how it ends?

Could they try?

Kyle’s fingers skim over the pages, your hoodie on him and if he pretends hard enough it almost feels like a hug. It almost feels like his body heat seeping through fabric is yours. Like you were just wearing it.

Like you didn’t leave at all.

Like you are coming back.

Kyle flips through the pages, gurgling wet laughter in his throat when he notices that you have been writing Simon’s jokes down and coming up with your own. (The “just got hospitalised due to peekaboo incident. They put me in ICU” joke almost makes Kyle choke).

Some part of him gets why Price has been guarding this specific journal so hard. Why he wasn’t letting anyone else close to it, because this right here is you.

Everything that’s left of your thoughts and feelings, of your humour and love, of your plans and scribbles.

It’s tangible proof that you were here. You lived, you loved, you thought. You were there and you were a person. Their favourite person. Their beloved one.

Maybe that’s why your small note hits him harder than he could have ever expected. A small resigned “I’m not sure I fit in. I’m not sure I’m not second…or fifth best in this case. Don’t even know if I wanna talk about it. Just plain stupid” splits Kyle’s scull open and leaves him bleeding and aching and shaking.

What…what did you mean “fifth best”? Why would you say that? What- no. Nonononono. No, it’s not fair. It’s not true, it has never been true.

Kyle feels like driving back to the cemetery and wrapping his car around the poll.

Kyle feels like clawing at the ground and sobbing-sobbing-sobbing.

Kyle feels like begging.

Please, no. Please, come back. Please, let him fix it, let him tell you the truth, let him tell you.

Kyle understands why Price was guarding the journal this fiercely. Kyle is so mad he feels like demolishing John’s office and yelling until his voice is raspy useless thing, vocal cords damaged, headache pounding inside his head and he’s burning from inside out.

Kyle looks at the page, his whole core so hollowed out you could feel an echo if you’d knocked.

Kyle doesn’t know what to do because you are gone.

Because he wants to say “I’m sorry, love, I’m so sorry, I’d be better if I knew”, he wants to say “come back and scream at me, come back demand attention, come back and hurt me in return just please please come back”.

He wants to say “I love you” in a hundred different ways, he wants to kiss it better, he wants to hold you again, he wants you back, why can’t you come back, why can’t he get you back? He will change, he will do better, he will pay attention, he’s sorry, love, he’s so sorry.

Soap finds him just blankly staring at the page and he doesn’t understand at first, concern sharpening his features like one of the razors he uses for his drawing pencils.

Johnny sinks down next to him, lips pressing to Kyle’s temple, breath panting when Gaz doesn’t respond because he can’t.

He doesn’t know what to say.

How do you live knowing you may never change what already happened? How do you keep going knowing your tenderness is decaying six feet underground, that your love is springing with flowers when they should have stayed above the ground and picked them? How do you get over it? How?

Johnny’s eyes skim over the page and Gaz can feel when the realisation sinks in, when the body next to him is getting poured full with raw ache and ice sharp panic.

Johnny asks “Gaz whose journal is that”, Johnny pleads “Mate, talk to me, where did you get it?”, Johnny whimpers “Kyle tell me it’s not theirs, Kyle please, Kyle say something”.

Kyle doesn’t know what to do other than wrap himself around Soap and hold him despite the thrashing, despite the disbelieving laughter that descends into gasping for air and clawing at his back and shoulders.

Kyle doesn’t let him get out and do something stupid, like drive to the cemetery and wrap a car around the poll and curl near your gravestone.

There is an awfully loud gulp and the journal is getting carefully taken off Kyle’s lap, Simon’s fingers long and scarred — things broken too many times to grown back straight and narrow, calloused pads of his fingers catching on the paper of the notebook.

Kyle has to drag him down to them, he has to practically kick the ground from under Ghost’s feet because the man looks like he will get the shovel and get you out of the coffin.

(Kyle doesn’t want to think how Simon refused to let them bury you, how he sat with you for days, until the decomposition became evident. Kyle doesn’t want to think how Simon placed a phone in your coffin despite knowing that you are not coming back. Kyle doesn’t want to think that Simon was terrified the 4 of them might bury you alive).

Ghost looks like the sky just fell on his head, crashing his spine and grinding down his nerves. Ghost looks like he wants to cry but doesn’t know how.

Ghost looks like how they all feel.

Kyle forces the man into their cuddle pile and forces his hand to wrap around Johnny, because Soap digs his fingers into them like he’s falling-falling-falling. System crashing, bomb ticking, Rome burning down.

Funny how Ghost never understood the phrase “going mad with grief”, always felt like it was a bit of dramatisation. People die every day after all, don’t they? It’s statistically impossible to never lose a single person.

Funny how Soap gets it now perfectly. The shift of tectonic plates in his brain, the rewiring of the whole system, pain so intense he might have ash for heart now.

Funny how it’s not funny at all but Gaz still laughs, face wet when Simon tightens his grip and pulls Kyle in, letting him hide his face.

Taglist: @synthe4u