As the night was drawing to a close a feeling began to settle in Zephyr’s gut that he couldn’t describe. He could feel it though- tugging at his heart strings, sending anxious jitters up his neck and down his back. For the first time during the ball he was glad to have been persuaded by Marina to leave Cordelia on the fourth floor with an avox so that he could have a night off.
Still there was something telling him that they need to leave now, his nerves too fidgety to bear another minute of this crowded room. Almost frightened he searched through the room, gaze locking onto every person that had the right height to be his husband only to be disappointed when it was not Kai. Black hats seemed to merge into one dark, thick mass ready to drown him completely as he made his way over to the side corridors to rooms he had promised himself to never visit knowing what he could find had the power to break him. The light now dimmed into a dark, muddy yellow his eyes had to adjust for a bit, sounds of muffled, euphoric giggles reached his ears that sounded too bright to be real.
Each step he took seemed to drain him of his energy, each door he began to open on random let his heart skip, torn between panic at still not having found Kai and relief of not having found him there. Everything was too much. All of his senses were awake and tingling; his hands were too sweaty, his breath too quick, the noise around him too loud, the light all of sudden too bright. He needed to get out of the mansion. Still- he couldn’t leave without Kai. At least not without looking for him everywhere he could think of.
He had almost close to giving up and returning to the ballroom; perhaps he could find him with marina or Glitter, perhaps he wasn’t even in these rooms, when the faintest sounds of moans that seemed just too familiar for comfort, hit his ears sending his entrails twisting together so tightly it hurt. For moments he stood frozen in the spot unable to think, to move, to do anything but stare straight ahead praying that he had misheard it. Yet the groans only grew louder with every passing second until it was all he could hear. His breath quickened while he couldn’t muster up the energy to stop his mind from wandering dangerous places. It felt like an invisible force, at last that was pulling him forwards to the source of the noise.
The door creaked as he opened it slowly his head still spinning at the possibility of a sight he had once deemed impossible. A cold hand seemed to have wrapped itself around his heart closing its fist tighter with each millimetre the wood moved.
It couldn’t be- it couldn’t be- it just couldn’t be.
There was no way Kai would ever do that to him no matter the circumstances. Kai loved him- he wouldn’t leave him. Never. He loved him- he loved him- he lov-
The first thing he saw was the ring, a flicker of light catching onto it leaving it to sparkle in the dark. A ring he knew all too well, one he had picked out himself, one that he was wearing the exact replication of. One he had given to the man he had vowed to love forever. One whose owner was clawing into the naked back on top of him.
Once again Zephyr was forced to watch motionlessly his muscles not obeying to his mind that screamed at him to disrupt them, to yell, to scream, to run, to do anything but just stand there eyes wide open and watch them. Yet- he couldn’t tear his eyes away from the moving limbs, small droplets of sweat running down heated skin, hands clinging onto the other body like a bizarre dance. Every repressed moan was like a punch to his stomach that seemed to knock every bit of air out of his lungs. It was only when the door thumbed against the wall having slipped out of Zephyrs ice cold fingers, and elicted the softest of sounds that time seemed to have stopped slowing down as everything rushed back to normal speed as the man that was currently sleeping with his husband turned around giving him a lazy smile that would haunt Zephyr in his dreams years later.
“Everybody out. Immediately!” The voice that rose through the static noise in his head was cold and cutting. It took him moments to realise that it was his own the tone so unfamiliar out of his own mouth. The bodies on the floor rose, clearly confused and ever so slowly. “Now!” he yelled at them even more commanding than before which caused them to scurry away most of them abandoning previously discarded clothes.
“You too-“ his voice showed first signs of wavering as he addressed Hero directly who had made no move to roll away, to let go of Kai who simply lay thre clearly spent and oblivious to the word: “Get off of him!” At first all his words earned him was joyful laughter and Zephyr could feel his insides weep with every moment he stayed there touching places he had been so sure of never being touched by anyone but himself ever again.
At long last he rolled off of Kai, slowly, lasciviously as if he had every right in the world to be there. Zephyr brushed past hi, as he picked up a long coat from the ground unable to look at either, Hero nor Kai.
“Stay away from my family. Forever.” Somehow he guesses he had always known that they would end up there, ever since he had first met him. Ever since he had found that this was the man Kai was sneaking off to. Yet- it didn’t make the hurt any less.
“You can tell me that, but him…” The sponsor’s voice was smug as he spoke and Zephyr couldn’t help, but turn around to him watching the man stand there, pants barely on again looking Zephyr straight into the eyes, unashamed, accomplished as if he had just won the lottery.
“he was so nice today. You should have seen him, whimpering, pushing into my touch. He could barely even talk only managing to squeeze out my name in a whisper, over and over again. He was so willing, such a good boy. So willing to take it up his-“
All Zephyr could see and he did something he would have never thought he would do. His fist shot out so fast he didn’t even realise it himself, connecting itself to Hero’s face with such a force he could feel bones crack and smell blood in the air.
“I don’t want to see you ever again.” Breathing heavily he caught sight of his reflection in the mirror hanging on the wall. He could see the despair and anger in his eyes, the way he seemed to have sunken into himself as if he had shrunk three sizes, but most of all for the first time in his life he didn’t see himself anymore. He saw his father and perhaps that was what scared him the most. It took all his willpower to tear himself away from the mirror to return to the present.
His breathing had yet to calm as he moved over to the sofa, the stranger’s coat in his arms. The material shook as he glanced down at his husbands form unable to look at him any longer. He covered him blindly wrapping up the familiar muscles in a stranger’s cloth as if he was burying a secret: “We are going home Kai.” Everywhere where he touched him seemed to burn, the arms that used to be so comforting around his shoulder now weighing down like scalding iron, the head he used to love having resting on his shoulder now banging against it uncomfortably, but he couldn’t let go. He was his husband, in sickness and in health.
Years later Zephyr wouldn’t be able to remember how they had gotten to the tower. He wouldn’t be able to bear the memories of how he had to carry him out of the back door, Kai too gone to even recognize him anymore. He wouldn’t be able to tell you how they had left the mansion, leaving behind a room full of illegal drugs and a knocked out sponsor that still seemed to have a victory grin lingering on his blood covered lips. He wouldn’t be able to remember how he had sat in the car as far away from kai as possible because he couldn’t stand his touch any longer, unsure of what the future would hold.
Yet- he would never be able to forget the rest of the night. An empty tower greeted them, most inhabitants still at the mansion. Their footsteps echoed across the hallway following them into the elevator. Silence hummed through the air as Zephyr kept looking straight ahead knowing he would loose it if he dared to glance anywhere else. Kai’s weight who had dosed off long ago lay heavily on his shoulder almost crushing him with every step. He didn’t know how he had managed to do it in the end, but somehow he managed to place him down in the bed that had once been theirs, but he had grown accustomed to sleeping in alone.
The only source of lights was the moonlight peeking in through almost closed blinds, but even so he could still make out the rows of family pictures that all of sudden seemed like they didn’t belong there. Slowly he began to take the coat off of Kai and busy himself instead by putting some boxers on him not willing to look at him naked any longer. Not willing to be forced to imagine just what exactly had happened even though he had seen enough of it to know.
Even in the dim light he could see the dark bruises already blossoming against kai’s skin each mark like a tiny needle prodding his very being; like a remembrance of his failure as his friend, his partner, his husband. Every red mark that resembled a finger print reminded him of the way he failed at being the one person Kai could turn to. His fingers ghosted over the skin, afraid to touch him. Afraid of accepting the reality of what had happened. Afraid of admitting it to himself. Every tiny scratch left by fingernails reminded him of the man his husband had chosen to go to instead and every little bite mark reminded him of how he had just let it happen, because he hadn’t been strong enough to confront him. He just sat there and stared at him as if he was an outsider. As if this was not the man he had married years ago. He looked and for a moment he couldn’t quiet decide who of the both of them was more broken. Unable to look at him anymore he pulled the blanket up around his body covering the exposed skin and marks.
Closing the door to the bedroom his fingers burned. Blood crusted his knuckles, but Zephyr was unable to tell whose it was. His gaze was fixed on the ring around his finger now stained with almost dried blood. With shaking hands he moved over to the sink letting it heat up until he could see steam rise in the air before sticking his hand under the scolding water not even flinching at the head. He needed to get that blood off. The water ran down his hands in scarlet stream, but he couldn’t see his ring anymore. He needed to get the blood off, the red staining it as if it was meant to taunt him. Scrubbing and scrubbing he began to reopen the tear he had gotten himself catching onto one of Hero’s earring. He needed to get the blood off. He needed for it to be gone. His hands were turning rosy once he finally peeled off the small piece of jewelry fingers shaking so bad he couldn’t make out the spot anymore nor the small engraving on the inside although he knew it by heart. The ring although worn and rundown already was full of love and promises of a life that now seemed so empty. It was full of laughter and hope for a happy future. Images flooded into his mind of a hand closening in on a shoulder as they moved up and down, of a ring glistening in the dark where it held no value anymore, of noises he knew so very well now forever tainted, blurrying together with memories of laughter and soft kisses. Of sweet nothings whispered into his ears only for him to hear and now. Of nights being hold close to a warm chest and feeling invincible. All of this blurred together in his mind until he didn’t know what was reality anymore. Because it hadn’t been him. It hadn’t been him who he had talked to late in the evening. It hadn’t been him who Kai had gone to anymore when he had been hurting. It hadn’t been him who had undressed him that evening. It hadn’t been him who had kissed his lips. It hadn’t been him who had been hold so tightly. It hadn’t been him, it hadn’t been him.
Cries began to rise from another room. Cries that Zephyr knew meant he should go and pick Cordelia up. Cries that he knew he needed to tend to, but he didn’t have the energy anymore. His ring- their ring felt onto the floor with a silent noise as the tears began to roll down his cheeks followed by sobs that were overpowered by his daughter’s, who he couldn’t help any more than he could help himself, while his knees buckled beneath him bringing him down to the floor. Everything around him was spinning and all he could see were hands on thighs that didn’t belong there. All he could hear were moans given to a person that didn’t deserve them. All he could feel was that door slipping from his grasp while it felt like his heart was being ripped out and squashed completely. Reality sunk in as the escort sat on the cold kitchen floor, sobs shaking his body as he let that hollow feeling sink in for the first time of the night. He didn’t know how they had gotten to this point. Didn’t know how this night had ended like this. All he knew was that he might just have lost the love of his life. That at last destiny was coming back for him taking what she had granted him. That it was time for the dream to end. His world was crumbling down and there was nothing he could do. Because it hadn’t been him. It hadn’t been him. It hadn’t been him.
