CV Boost - Let’s Get Down to Business
Ryan felt claustrophobic in his shirt, tie and cardigan combo - it certainly wasn’t his usual get-up but he wanted to try and look a little bit professional for his Zoom call with the CV Consultant. After years of dead-end jobs in cafes, art galleries and cinemas he decided it was time to get serious about finding a career. The only issue was that his Art History degree and scatty work history made it difficult for him to be seriously considered by anyone.
His friend John recommend The CV Consultant, a one-off Zoom session where the Consultant looked at your CV, suggested some changes, and then guaranteed placement in a job. Ryan was a bit sceptical but was also a bit desperate at this point, so he got a haircut, trimmed his beard and squeezed into a shirt. Trying to button it all the way drove home that his physical health was almost as dubious as his work history, but it was never something he had taken seriously. He was too busy exploring art galleries, watching art-house films, going to expos with his other hipster friends.
At 3pm on the dot, the Zoom app chimed and a pristinely dressed men appeared with a million-dollar smile. “Ryan!” the Consultant exclaimed, beaming down the camera. “So good to meet you! I’m so thrilled you’ve entrusted me in taking a look at your CV and finding the perfect job for you.”
Ryan, a bit taken aback from the Consultant’s exuberance meekly grinned and muttered “nice to meet you as well.” The Consultant continued as if Ryan hadn’t said a word, “Well Ryan, let’s get cracking. First things first, in your own words, why have you struggled to find a fulfilling career.”
Ryan was a bit taken aback - he thought the CV Consultant was just going to suggest some format or font changes to the actual document. He felt oddly compelling to respond to this gurning, intense man. “Well, I studied art history at college and its always been a passion of mine. I still love art, and wanted to find a career there - I didn’t want to sell out and become another corporate drone. But I never find any meaningful jobs.”
The Consultant nodded sympathetically. “Yes, I completely understand. History of art is a noble and deserving degree, but certainly not the most employable. Its a shame that you dismissed the corporate world so readily though, I have so many positions in the business world to fill.”
Ryan chuckled despite himself - “Yes, well, I’d love to make your job easy for you but…”. The Consultant interjected, again seemingly unaware of Ryan’s presence. “Now a degree in Business and Management, that would really get you places. Don’t you wish you had gone down that route instead?” Before Ryan could reply, a knowing smirk emerged on the Consultant’s face. “You know what let’s just skip a few steps and make that change shall we?” the Consultant added, grinning and enthusiastically typing.
Before Ryan could say anything a sharp numbing pain across his forehead and he screwed his eyes shut. A bizarre sensation enveloped his brain, throbbing and pulsating wildly. New memories - of going to college to study business, learning about managing costs, insurance, risk - all invaded his mind without warning. And then… nothing. The pain stopped and he was back in his bedroom, dressed the same, looking the same.
“What the hell was that?!” Ryan shouted.
“Just a little step onto the corporate ladder, now let’s move on. Tell me some of your hobbies and interests.”
Ryan, panicked and baffled wanted to shut down his laptop but again felt compelled to answer. “Well, as I said. I love art, going to galleries and expositions.” He searched his mind - his years of formal art education had gone, but he still liked and appreciated art, indie films and having in-depth discussions with his pretentious friends (even if they didn’t take his views into account much now given his Business degree). His life was largely unchanged.
The Consultant looked disappointed. “No, no I don’t think that will do. The average business student at college doesn’t care about art. You need to be relatable to your colleagues. Let’s erase those interests”. The Consultant aggressively typed and before Ryan could stop, the pain struck again, this time oddly numbing. He felt his knowledge about art slowly… melt away. His memories of art galleries, of having discussions with his friends all fell away.
The Consultant was focused on the task at hand. “Now, new interests. Let’s go with sports and keeping in shape shall we? And looking good - there’s nothing a businessman respects more than a well-shaped man in a well-fitted suit.”
Ryan was met with a blinding sensation and was bombarded with new memories. Of playing sports at high school - baseball and football - and keeping up his fitness at college. It became his drive and his group of friends reflected that - they were interested in going to the gym and going out. His memories of his friendship circle and conversations shifted - he didn’t have any intellectual interests now, it was just hanging out and shooting the shit. His colleges days were spent going out, working out, then going to lectures and classes in his stinky work out gear.
The memories kept coming - even after college his kept up the routine, now focused on getting bulky. He wanted to dominate the gym and dominate the board room. But he started taking his general appearance more seriously as well - bought tailored clothes, expensive accessories, perfectly coiffed hair. Showing off his work at the gym was crucial to him, and his clothes needed to reflect this.
“Ryan, Ryan are you okay? Maybe went a bit far there too quickly” the Consultant chuckled.
Ryan eyes opened, and shot open wider when he looked down. His entire body, his entire being was distorted. He felt oddly heavy and chunky. He gazed down at his hands - thick and veiny. And he was in a beautiful, perfectly fitted suit. And clasped at his body - his hard stomach, his shelf of a chest - and stared down at his meaty thighs, a memory of having to get specially tailored trousers for his sizeable buns to fit in. And he grasped at his face - it felt similar but the proportions were a bit off. And his hair felt so… manicured? In the little box of the corner of the Zoom was a face he barely recognised. It was him but… someone completely new.
“There we go, you look much more professional now. I can see you leading board rooms and meetings around this country. Let’s see if we can find some jobs.”
Ryan was breathing heavily, sweaty and panicking, but for a moment felt oddly comforted by the Consultant’s words. For the first time since he could remember, he did feel a weird sense of purpose, of presence. Memories trickled in - in his group of friends he was the one who could lift the most, who dressed the best, who could pick up the hottest ladies. Exploring his new body made him feel oddly grounded. And with that came calm.
The Consultant eyes darted around, clearly scanning his computer. “Ok… interesting. A few jobs you would be perfect for. But they are all entry-level positions.” Ryan chuckled with his new sense of self. He was better than a damned entry-level position. The Consultant however, shrugged, “ok, let’s see what we can do.”
Ryan felt squeezed and oddly compressed. “What the hell…” he started, before realising his voice but a little less gravelly, a bit higher. He reached for his Adams apple and where there had been some designer stubble it was now bear. His stared at his hands which looked a little bit less weathered, a little skinnier. He jumped up from his chair just as his jacket and tie disappear into thin air and felt his weight shift again - still bulky, but certainly more lean. He ripped open his now more simple shirt and saw youthful, tight abs. He was still fit as hell, but must have been in his mid-20s at the most. He rubbed his now less regal hair and stared at his youthful, wrinkle-free visage in the Zoom window.
Mid-20s was a good guess. He remembered his new college years - years at the frat, playing sports and working out, hooking up with girls (and guys…) but also studying hard. And that seemed so recently, so fresh in his mind. He had just graduated, perfect for an entry-level job. And with that years and knowledge and experience dissipated from his mind.
“Perfect, perfect!” the Consultant gleefully shouted, clearly proud of his work. “Just one more small change to push you to the top of the application pile. This company pride themselves on Diversity and Inclusion, so a little change there…”. A warming sensation flooded Ryan’s body and he gazed down at his body, slowly getting darker. It moved from already tanned to something decidely less… white. His body otherwise stayed the same, although he noticed his nipples darkening and the bulge in his suit trousers getting just a tad more prominent. And as he stared at his picture in Zoom he saw his hair darkening and curling up, his licks becoming more kissable, and his irises turning a deeply dark and alluring.
“What the fuck man”, Ryan uttered, taking aback from his deeper, sensual voice. “I don’t… how did…” He kept wanting to shout, to get answers, but was distracted by his taut, dark body and handsome visage.
“Well, I think my work here is done Ryan - you start your management consultancy position tomorrow. As ever, this is a free service but please do refer me to any friends looking for a little boost to their CV!” And before Ryan could say anything - whether to scream, or thank him, or cry - the laptop blared with a blinding light and…
Ryan took a quick snap in the work bathroom to celebrate making through his first day. He knew he was acing it - he was charming, he was capable and he looked good. He hadn’t worn many suits before, but he loved how professional he looked. He’d upload the picture to his Instagram later and all his followers, mainly there for his workout thirsty traps, would love the change of scene. It was the first day in his dream job, what he had been planning for years. He couldn’t imagine doing anything else.
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