Xela

Welcome to my Personal Blog

[zingeria-blog]

I think it’s just human curiosity.  Also the fact that I used to want to be a coroner and I started looking at autopsy photos when I was 12 to try and get used to them. Now I’ve been doing it for so long I’m desensitized (at least with photos and videos). The only thing that really bothers me now is animal abuse/mutilation... Which is a good thing and I want to keep it that way. I can’t stand those videos.... I’ve seen the worst stuff. I guess that’s what happens when you go on shock sites. The worst thing I saw was a fetish about women with high heels stepping on kittens and killing them. There was also women sitting on bunnies and killing them that way. I didn’t know what it was at first and then when it started I stopped watching immediately. I think I saw those videos when I was 13 or 14. It still bothers me today and I can never get that out of my head. It was awful. I can’t think of the worst human thing I’ve seen. It doesn’t really bother me anymore. I guess the 2 guys and 1 hammer really bothered me. Decapitations still freak me out. They don’t scare me or make me nauseous... It’s just kind of weird how fake the heads look when they’re cut off. They look like doll heads. I saw a video once of a person that got half of their body cut off when they were ran over, and they were crawling towards people for help. That was really sad. The videos don’t make me scared, they just make me kind of like “Well, that’s awful” and make me kind of paranoid... In the sense that anything could happen at any moment. I think the scariest situations are car accidents. You could be doing nothing and you could die instantly because of another person’s fault. 

I’m trying to recollect what else I’ve seen. Anything involving animals is a complete no for me, unless it’s just cartoon or fake. I don’t know why, since humans are technically animals too. But I guess it’s because humans have more of a choice in certain matters. It does feel really strange having such a morbid fascination. I want to look away, but I can’t. I just keep searching these sites and going on threads and looking at them. I guess it’s the adrenaline rush I’m addicted to. I can’t even sleep at night until I’ve read a scary story or seen creepy stuff. It’s weird.  I think it’s fine as long as I don’t have a desire to carry out anything against someone or something. Which I absolutely don’t. I feel bad even when I kill a bug.

[deeplovephotography]

[thesamoyeds]

[trefoiled-deactivated20260516]

[7emper]

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Anyway, here’s some good music.

[zingeria-blog]

Entry 230 - III

04.02.15 I received a text from my mom’s ex today asking how I was doing. I was immediately going to reply with “I’m doing great!!”, but then I realized.... I was only doing great because of my artwork and my depression had lifted. Then I really asked myself.... “How am I doing?” and I honestly do not know how to answer that. Because I don’t know. Other than my art, I haven’t really been taking care of myself. Sure, I brush my teeth more than once a week now, and I’ve been taking showers more and getting out of bed. But I haven’t really been eating. I eat a meal a day at most and I’m just not hungry. I don’t work out anymore and I now live a more sedentary life style. I wake up, go to the bathroom, possibly take a shower, then sit at my desk for hours... I eat breakfast 3-5 hours later, and then go back to my desk and that’s it. Very rarely will I eat dinner... And if I do, it will be very small. I am just not hungry, I am extremely thirsty though. I drink about 5-6 large glasses of water a day. And I am also always hot. My therapist told me that the prozac can give me hot-flashes and make me thirsty. I either eat too much or too little. 

So, I guess I am not doing well. Good in the sense of what society wants from me- productivity... But other than that? I am not taking care of myself. Mentally wise? Yes. Body health wise? No. I just don’t have that much energy.... and I am embarrassed. It’s funny because I won’t even go outside or workout in my own house alone because I hate my body so much.... I am embarrassed for myself... I can’t even look at my own body. ....I need to work on that.  To wrap things up, I’ve been thinking about Ben lately. It’s funny because I’ve completely moved on, I’ve even unblocked him on facebook a few weeks ago. ...But I just get I guess “flashbacks” of him being a dick and I get mad at myself. Not relationship wise, just more him and his personality being a jerk. Like I couldn’t even listen to rap music without him saying “stop listening to that nigger shit” or “monkey music”. Absolutely disgusting.... How could I put up with that and not say anything? I was just so weak and stupid. He would even say ‘nigger’ in person in front of my mom and I would tell him to stop but more jokingly because I was so embarrassed. At least I’m away from that now.... It just makes me so sick how someone can be friends with black people, but then just be so racist, in all seriousness, when they’re not near them.

[zingeria-blog]

Entry 230 - II

04.02.15  I guess it wouldn’t hurt mentioning it to my therapist. I know she’d find it fucked up, but I should tell her the truth so I have the best sessions since I am paying for them. She’s made me realize a lot about myself and so has my psychiatrist. The both of them... I don’t know... They’re both really nice... I feel like I know myself more, but at the same time I don’t. I know when I talk to my therapist, Janice, about my dad and similar men, she gets confused, just as confused as I do. And just as confused as other people do... I just don’t know myself and can’t make up my mind. I’m looking forward to tomorrow’s session and hopefully I don’t stray away from the topics too much. I like talking to her so much that we often end up talking about random things, especially since I haven’t really had anything going on lately other than my recently art show.  My mom was in a really bad mood today, which I can understand why, but sometimes I wish she could just let certain things go and not worry so much. She gets mad at the littlest things... Well, maybe not the smallest, but things that she shouldn’t really focus on. Like family members she doesn’t get along with, the fact that her phone is glitching, and the fact that our cable got shut off today. I understand why that would upset someone.... But it’s just so beautiful out today; wouldn’t you want to go outside instead? She always watches that goddamn tv and it pisses me off.... It’s like one day her eyes are going to rot inside her head from watching it so much. I get antsy if I watch it for too long and I feel lazy and dirty. And her phone... It’s almost like that’s all she cares about... She’s constantly on it even though she denies it. Thankfully Chris, her boyfriend, has backed me up on it too when she says that she doesn’t use it that much. She doesn’t even really take care of it.... So no wonder why her electronics never last long. As for the family members, she needs to realize that it’s their issues, not hers. She did nothing wrong, that’s just how they are and she needs to let that go and leave them be. If they want to be assholes, then so be it; it’s not your fault. 

I just worry about it. She stresses out about things too much and it can be annoying. She just gets herself in a bad mood and I don’t even want to be near her when that happens. I had a really good day... And her being grouchy kind of ruined it. My good day consisted of helping my grandpa pull weeds from his yard. It doesn’t sound fun, but any time with him is a pleasant time. I love him so much. I could have the worst day and he could cheer me up immediately just by seeing him. I miss my grandma so much... I remember telling my therapist about how I rarely cry about her and forget that she’s gone... She told me I’m still in shock... It really sucks. I know she’s gone, but I still feel like she’s here. It’s the strangest thing. I have dreams about her all the time where I hang out with her, and I don’t realize it’s a dream until a few hours after waking up. I just feel kind of numb about the whole thing.... Except for a few nights ago when I was working on my art, I thought of her and how her skin felt on her hands and how paper thin it was. I miss that feeling so much. And her voice and the way she talked to me and my grandpa. And when she would call me her baby girl and then pull my in for a hug in front of people.... I used to feel so embarrassed. And now I miss it. I just remember how terrifying it was to see her reduced to a living skeleton in that hospital bed. 

[zingeria-blog]

Entry 230 - I

04.02.15

I’ve been on Prozac for about... 5 weeks I think? Then I started having anxiety attacks and was put on an anxiety medication along with my Prozac. I honestly really like my medication... The Prozac doesn’t make me feel like a lifeless zombie like antidepressants did to my mother and some friends in the past. I feel so normal. I still get sad, angry, etc, but I can actually get out of bed and function. I can work on my art for hours on end without feeling exhausted or agitated and having an anxiety attack. The only downside is that my libido is completely gone, but I don’t even care. I’d rather lose that than stay in bed all day and just sleep and cry. Plus, I am single... So it shouldn’t be a problem since I haven’t slept with anyone in 2 almost 3 years. Something still feels off though... I can’t seem to place it, but I guess it’s just my personality. I remember before I took my medication, I legitimately thought I was dying... Laying in bed all day with aches and pains, I felt as though I was going to die in a few years.... And I still kind of feel that way. I just feel a little uneasy. It may just be my paranoia though. I’ve never told anyone, but I am obsessed with looking at gore online of autopsies, freak accidents, and many similar circumstances (except for animals). It fascinates me. I can never stop reading horror stories too and real life events... I am absolutely obsessed. I think it’s because of the slight adrenaline rush. It’s all I pretty much do other than art now. I don’t really talk to anyone during the day either.... Despite my medication, I feel as though my thought process is on a much higher level than those around me. This all sounds like ramblings.... Maybe I should mention it to my therapist.... It’s funny because there’s so many things I haven’t told her yet... out of fear she may judge me.... Which is ridiculous, since she is a doctor and it’s her job. I feel as though all of this is normal and just that people are too scared to look and face the facts. I am just so in love with all that is real and natural... but I do know my biggest fear is death whether it’s me or a loved one.... Why do I love torturing myself with my fear?  It’s kind of weird... I’ve been curious about gore and photos of the dead since I was 12 or 13... I always liked scaring myself and trying to numb myself with the photos to get used to what it looks like. And it’s worked. Things like that don’t phase me at all and I can watch them with a straight face. I’d like to think it’s pretty normal, since I know of two other people who also like to see photos like that and learn, and they are both extremely normal, successful, and intelligent. But it still bothers me to know that many other people don’t find it normal.  I guess I am just different. I’ve told anyone any of that before except for my two friends who also like that stuff. It could be just because I’m attracted to horror and the unusual. 

[allcreatures]

A husky walks on water in northern Russia. The image was taken after heavy rainfall covered the frozen lake. The rare phenomenon was captured by the dog’s owner Fox Grom.

Picture: Fox Grom/News Dog Media

[weasterberry]

nice try science side of tumblr but this dog is clearly jesus

[zingeria-blog]

I deleted some of my music so if anyone wants a list of certain songs or whatever, feel free to send me a message.

[theanimalblog]

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Fire reflected on birds in smoke, at Moerdijk, the Netherlands

[beestheword]

[gyclli]

[faded-and-dreaming]

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Well that made me feel a lot better

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I'm so against hating people and wishing ill on people... But to be honest... I wish you'd just die a horrible death. I don't give a shit about you and I know you don't give a shit about me. You are awful scum and not one person I've met, besides your own family, LIKES you. Everyone thinks you're a disgusting prick. You disgust me and I can't wait until the day I can spit in your face. I can't wait until you rot in hell. 

You will no longer get to decide what happens to me in my fucking life when you're not even in it. You always screw me over and I AM NOT letting you decide whether or not I go back to college. You do not own me, you don't own shit. I hope you lose all your fucking precious money and your tiny ass cock falls off, because that's all you fucking care about it life anyway.  You're a disgusting sex addicted, money grubbing pig. I pity your kids.