Sometimes I wonder how much more of myself I can lose before there’s nothing left to hold together. Every day feels like another reminder that I’m failing the people I love, especially you. No matter how hard I try to keep smiling, keep functioning, keep pretending I’m okay, it always feels like I come up short. Like I’m watching everyone else move forward with their lives while I stay stuck, drowning in everything I can’t give.
The hardest part is feeling like my own body has betrayed us. Betrayed the dream we wanted so badly. Everywhere I look, people around us are living that dream so effortlessly — announcing pregnancies, building families, stepping into the life I thought we’d have too. And every time it happens, it feels like another crack splitting through me. Another reminder that my body is failing at the one thing I wanted most, the one thing I know you wanted too.
I can feel the distance growing between us, even in the quietest moments. The way you pull away emotionally, the way physical affection feels rare now, like something you have to force yourself to give. I notice every hesitation, every silence, every moment you stop reaching for me. And maybe you don’t realize it, but each one fractures something inside me a little more.
I spend so much time wondering if I ruined everything. If I became too broken, too emotional, too difficult to love. I replay conversations in my head until they blur together, questioning every word, every reaction, every part of myself. I don’t even recognize who I am anymore because all I seem to do lately is cry and second guess my entire life.
I miss feeling wanted. I miss feeling safe with you. I miss believing that even if life hurt, we were still standing on the same side of it together. Now it feels like I’m grieving something that’s still technically here, and somehow that hurts even more.
I wish I knew how to stop feeling like such a disappointment. I wish I knew how to fix what’s breaking inside me before the fractures become permanent