Life is a Struggle

-Side Blog- basically featuring my daily struggles. 

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And this is my new baby :3 

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Emotional Rollarcoaster

This last week has been up and down and up and down.  Thursday my boyfriend of 1 & a half years decided he didnt have feelings for me that particular week and called everything off in the middle of a date. I literally ugly cried so hard until i was sick. Not once, but twice. And right in front of him too. It was horrible. And then after breaking it off, he had the nerve to text me telling me that he loved me.  Friday, I decided I would put myself first and have no further contact with him. Easier said than done. I found myself constantly checking my phone to see if he'd messaged me and my mind was basically on him 24/7. Then i decided to seek comfort from another male friend. Nothing happened. He was just there for me to talk to, cry to, and cuddle when i felt so so broken. And then it began to lead from friendliness to flirtatious before I knew it. And i stopped thinking about Bryce momentarily, that was, until i was awake at night by myself and stuck with the company of my own thoughts.  Saturday began to look up. I went car shopping, as i'd written my car off a few months prior and had been without personal transport since. Found a keeper, absolutely perfect and for an amazing price. Made a deposit and agreed with the dealer to pick my new baby up on the following Monday.  Then that night, he messaged me asking me how car hunting went. And i decided to do something for myself and not reply. I honestly thought he didn't give two shits about me and was just being polite, considering he'd torn my heart out of my chest and physically ripped it in two.  Sunday, he kept messaging me. And finally i replied. I thought if i was hostile toward him, he'd just fuck right on off. But eventually, he broke down and told me about how he regretted the decisions he'd made and wanted to get back together with me. Basically what i wanted to hear from the start. So ladies, if anyone is actually reading this crap I'm blogging about. If he really loves you, he won't throw the towel in straight away. Don't jump at the first chance you get to speak to him. As the saying goes, 'be mean, keep em keen.' As lame as that sounds. But what I've learnt was that i needed to give him a chance to miss me and actually appreciate me. 

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words of wisdom from a friend

There's a sensei sitting in his own deep contemplation. Two of his students walk over and ask him what the matter is. He responds "in my mind there is a battle going on between two wolves. There is a white wolf; who represents good, confidence and self worth. And the grey wolf; who represents bad, regret, depression and self-loathing." One of the students asks, "which one wins?" To which the sensei replies, "whichever one I feed."

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Torn.

I honestly don't think I've ever felt so caught in the middle before. Sometimes he can treat me like I'm completely worthless and make me feel like I'm nothing. But other days I have no doubts what so ever that he is my other half. But last night, i went out with some friends and went back to another guys house. We didn't do anything that night, though we have in the past when we were both single. Anyway. I don't really know how to describe it, but it was different. Laying in bed just talking about all kinds of things ranging from 'favourite memory' to 'most awkward sexual encounter' .. And then we just ended up cuddling, as friends, and fell asleep talking. Sometimes i feel like i can't do that with him. And sometimes, like this weekend in particular, he just feels so distant. But i love him with all my heart, and thats the worst part. Because as much as he can hurt me and make me feel as if i've crumpled into a million pieces, I'll always take him back. Every damn time.  And what bothers me is that i could have been very happy right now with someone else, and still he is my first option. 

The things we do for love, right?

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i need more money

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And and and, ahhhh! I finally went and watched this today! I took a full box of tissues with my into the cinema, despite all the weird and curious glances that were being cast in my direction by complete strangers.  I was so afraid that the movie wouldn't capture the same emotion or change to many important details that were in the book, but I honestly was not disappointed even the slightest. Obviously it wasn't spot on, but whatever things were left out were very minor and absolutely necessary for the film. I was so impressed.  And oh god, Augustus you beautiful human being. I cried my eyes out completely as soon as he broke the news to Hazel about 'Lighting up like a christmas tree." Broke my heart into a million pieces all over again! And get this, my boyfriend of all people actually cried. Like, he actually cried real boy tears. This man that carried on before watching the film and even reading the book, making comments like "I can't believe you're making me see this." and "this is going to be gay" - typical, i know. But by the end of the movie when he was trying to be subtle about his tears, and then breaking down completely when i offered him tissues was saying as soon as we were in the car on the way home was commenting on "How inspirational" the film was. So John Green, you honestly are a genius if you can make someone like my boyfriend fall in love with a story like that. 11/10 :)

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For the last year since I left school, I decided to pursue the one thing I've been passionate about ever since I can remember.

People have given me such a hard time for my career choice, since it doesn't get paid as much as say, a doctor. But honestly, I don't care. Because I love animals, and I love the fact that with veterinary nursing I'm helping do the absolute best I can for the wellbeing of the animal and providing closure for the owner. I would much rather do a job that I love every minute of doing, then be forever stuck with a career I spend every moment disliking but putting up with it just because it happens to pay the bills and put fuel in my car.

I've been studying my cert II in Animal Studies for the past year and alongside that, completing work experience at a clinic and as well as teaching me so much valuable information, has also made me more passionate about the animal world itself. Moving onto my cert IV in Veterinary Nursing in a couple of months and have also been offered a position as a Junior Veterinary Nurse! So so over the moon. And a big fuck you to all the people who told me i was going no where with my life. I'm about to purchase a new car soon, soon will be working two jobs. One of which I've worked so so hard and wanted so badly ever since i can remember. And hopefully not long after that with all the money I've been putting away, I'll be moving out and starting my life for real :) 

Things can suck sometimes, but i felt like i deserved this one time to gloat. Whether anyone is reading this or not.

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You know what irritates me? Like really gets on my nerves?  When people who honestly have nothing to do with a certain situation, and are complete third party outsiders, feel the absolute need to get involved in other peoples business and have their say. I'm sorry, but things don't work that way. If i want you involved, I'll come to you myself. Basically last night, my boyfriend was over and we were about to go out into the clubs for the night because this DJ was playing that we wanted to see and I just had a major career opportunity so we thought we'd celebrate. We were getting ready and started playing fighting because he got a bit grumpy that I was taking forever to get changed. So then, my parental figure I happen to live with overhears us play fighting and comes right to my door and obviously starts eaves dropping and decides to get involved. So, rather than let things get messy we just stopped our little fight and said, 'dont worry, we're just mucking around and about to head out' .. yet she still feels the urge to continue commenting and forcing her opinion right down his throat before finally backing the fuck off.  Nek minet, she then decides, oh hey. You know what else? He can now either sleep in the lounge room tonight instead or he can go home.  haha.. what? What annoyed me the most about that is that in my household, if you want to be treated like an adult.. respect needs to go both ways. But when I start being treated like a child again.. hmm. Lets not go there. And then she decides to step in and have a word to him about it and start messing around and muddling with MY relationship.

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warning :)

Just a warning to anyone who will ever follow me, if anyone ever follows me.. i'll be posting A LOT. So here's a little pre-warning. Some of my post may be triggering to other people, and for that I'm sorry. But i would honestly rather get it out of my system and share it on here than keep it built up inside me. Cool? Cool.

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So, this is me. And there is absolutely nothing special about me. My many talents include being able to sit behind a computer screen for several hours of the day, or reading a book. And the only way that i think my family can tell that I'm alive is that I occasionally laugh at something I find amusing or emerge from my room like a gremlin to use the bathroom.  My many fears include; -making new friends. As i was that badly double crossed by my last ones that i'm scared it will happen again.  -Being left behind. Everyone i know moving on to bigger and greater things. Whether that be a career choice or starting a family, etc. And I'll just be stuck doing the same thing and being forever unhappy.