Abnormally normal

Sometimes it's OK not to fit in...

[-twolostsouls-]

Self Hate.

Have you ever did something that was just really shitty and you hate yourself because of it? It only needs to be a few words but you instantly feel that you've let someone down and ruined everything. I just did that and I hate myself. I'm sorry.

[-twolostsouls-]

1

Morning hellos and no goodbyes. At weekends too.

Hi Dickface,

Remember last Saturday when I woke up and said you’re the best thing that has ever happened to me? Well I can’t wait to say that to you every morning.

It may not be with words all the time. It may be a snuz. A kiss on the forehead. A stroke on the arm. Fingers teasing the back of your neck. A hand round the throat with a pull towards my body. A smile and a glint of my blue eyes that you adore. Or it may just be passionate raw sex were you’ll grab my dick and I’ll spread your legs open, spit on my pulsating cock and force it into your pussy then fuck you until I’m done with you, leaving your pussy dripping with my cum with you feeling used and abused just the way you like it.

Either way I’ll let you know as much as I can. I woke up early last Saturday and just looked at you. I stared at you for sometime before I nodded off. I didn’t think much during that time to be honest. I just felt nothing. And it was delightful. It was when I then opened my eyes again after the short nap that those words just came out. Effortless and true.

Seeing you there again. The fact you were still there. It just made me want you so much. You hadn’t gone north yet. It felt perfect. It just did. It resonated in my head that symbolism. I want to wake up and sleep again knowing you’ll not be going anywhere. Soon I’ll have that. Soon.

We have our pasts. Some try linger on which is a pity and sad but we both are moving on from our past, mistakes and histories. Infact no. We HAVE moved on. Past tense. Old tensions gone. We are a new chapter in each of our lives. A fresh start. The final chapter. Somethings are hard to let go or forget about of course. I’ve taken longer I suppose in letting things go and believing I’m your one. But I think we’re both at the fuck the past and everyone else/It’s about us now. We have been for a while but I’ve never really said it. I mean it though. It’s only us I ever think of.

But the past is the past. In a short period of time we’ll be living in the future we’ve been dreaming of. I crave it. Almost as much as I crave you’re warm healing flesh so much. This time apart has made your flesh go soft and pink. I want to hurt it again. I want it red raw and bruised. I want to rip it apart and make you feel physically owned by me like I used to everyday. Your body will be bruised and pained but you’ll lap it up just like you lap up every last drop of cum from my cock. As I do your moist pussy as you suffocate me from above.

Uhhh. I’m excited to get back to being us. Filthy. Silly. Sick. Passionate. Abusive. Fucking. Ripping. Pain. Laughing. Disgusting. Crying. Choking. Suffocating. Natural. Effortless. Mutual.

You will always be the best thing that happened to me. And I’ll revel in the knowledge that I’m the worst thing that’ll ever happen to your body. Prepare to get abused again. I know you love it though. I’m the only one who’s ever given you what you desire and need. I’m not all talk. Your wounds prove that. You fucking know it. That’s why you’ve surrendered your body and soul to me. You’re mine.

You’re fucking mine you little slut. You always will be. My partner. My slave. My future wife.

This is our love. Beauty. Disgust. Understanding. Mutuality.

This is our love.

[-twolostsouls-]

2

2. Two. 1 plus 1. 10 minus 8. Only two go. Two lost souls about to find each other. Again. 

Only I can honestly say we were never really lost on this journey. Only really on Sunday’s I suppose. But for every Sunday there follows a Monday which begins a new countdown to see you again.

As the weeks have gone on we've both found it harder to find the time to sit down and delve into our deepest thoughts and emotions and spill them on a page. Or keyboard in this instance.

No blame can be apportioned to that. No it is more of a testament of how we are making this work. I don’t know how we are doing it. We are living in the moment yet dreaming of the future.

It’s a concept that seems odd from afar but when you stand in front of me it all makes sense. It’s only then I can shed my shadows and rinse myself of self pity with your soothing mist that drips healing dew upon my darkest wounds.

You patch them up just enough to stop me from pouring out onto the salted tarmac and being swept away by the water between us. I’m forever grateful for that.

As you pass from wall to glass from wall to glass with a wave or a finger I both laugh and crumble away a bit inside. It’s hurtful as you go and it’s getting worse the more it happens. That’s understandable though as it has been a long journey these past few months. Exhausting both mentally an physically.

I know what I've written isn't full of wit or raw emotion but this is the state of mind I am at right now. This is me. Honest as always. We've given everything to each other these past few months and I can’t wait to keep doing so but without the distance between. The distance is what causes friction and tiredness. 

As a side note, did you know that tiredness can kill apparently? I've seen that lit up in orange on black a hundred times these past 8-9 months but not once has it daunted me. I will always put my life at risk to be with you. My life is non-existent without you

We are almost there though Julie. The tiredness will soon be over. A handful of flights, boats and car journeys to go and we will be together again. Forever this time. 

And I can’t wait for that day. That day for the rest of our lives.

I love you Julie,

Gary

[-twolostsouls-]

3

Hi. Remember that time we were in London?

Time has been moving quicker than ever but I still feel like life is on hold. But that’s OK. For now I am patient.

As we meandered through the voiced passages and well trodden pavements I took note of the proud monolithic surroundings that captured your imagination. These lively inanimate structures have looked upon it’s people with a confidence and pride for many years whilst relying on its people to securely hand it over to the following generation.

As I write this just now I feel like one of these great giants created by men. Only my creator is not plural or a generic term used when we can’t quite remember who started and finished them. My creator is you.

I stand tall. You’ve created that.

I feel proud. You have given that.

I feel protective. You have given me reason to protect.

I feel protected. You keep me standing strong.

I feel confident. You ensure I do not need to blend in. You encourage me to scale the heights these structures reach.

I will never forget that you created me. Or to put it better, completed me.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that when we walked around that City of giants I felt like I had the right to stand shoulder to shoulder with them. You’re presence by my side gives me that confidence.

As we aimlessly strolled through the vast life around us, you held my hand. I felt like your guide but you were actually guiding me. You always do. I know where I’m going when you are in my palm. Even when I’m lost. You guide me through my darkness and my crowded mind.

As we stopped time whilst it continued frantically around us, we began the staring contest with the face of time.

As it bellowed on its hour, your face lit up as we arrived. Not late this time. You’re hand crossed mine and the beat of my heart matched that of the bell.

3.

3 echo’s of fate stopping our life in its track.

Perfect timing you said. I agreed. It’s seems fitting that by chance we arrived at 3 given the countdown milestone for which we are writing. But we tend to arrive when we need to most.

Like the night we met. By chance. By arriving at the wrong time. Or the right time. Perfect timing again we’d both agree.

3 chimes from the bell.

3 elongated beats from my heart.

3 months to go.

A lifetime of heartbeats to come. My chest against yours. Our time will be perfect. It always is.

I love you Julie.

[-twolostsouls-]

4

Please refer to reminiscing social media messages on the 01.03.16 for our current feelings. Mutually in love from the beginning. And to the end of the world. I love you Julie

[-twolostsouls-]

5

Hi Julie,

I’ve decided that for me the best with to get my internal thoughts and feelings out for this month is to write a kind of open letter to you. I feel that now we are at the half way stage it is a good and fitting way to summarise this past month and in a way visualise the next 840 months (Or 70 years) (Or the rest of my life) (Our life). Closed brackets. So here goes.

5. Already?

It’s went so fast. Only 5 to go. Half way to finishing. Half way to life.

We have struggled with getting around to writing this month. Through no fault of our own. 

Pressures. Workload. Uncertainty. Unnatural. Scary. Exciting. Weird. Sad. Crossroads. Opportunity. Unsure. Worried. Progress. Realising. Proud.

Just a small collection of words that have been used in some way or form for both of us this past month. It feels like the comfort of the festive break was a decade ago.

Life has got real again. It’s taken it’s toll even only 1 month into this year. We have stayed strong though. We have been as steady as ever. I think we’ve overcome the distance and the struggle. I miss you everyday but in the good ways that make my days go quicker. I long to touch your soul with my blue and watch you soak it  up with the catching strokes of those protective lashes defending your calming eyes.

It has been tough. No doubt about it. Leaving you. Picking you up. Dropping you off. Arriving at you. So much upheaval even though nothing really changes. It’s draining yes but for you I would do anything.

However a lot has changed. A lot is changing and we are changing with it. I have changed. I’m now complete. I have my path. It’s not mine. It’s ours. That completes me. You do.

In the noisy storm of distant losses, job offers, interviews and applications, pressures of home searching, saving, life planning all the while balancing the daily struggles of work and the desired time with each other we have handled it all. We have stayed strong.

It may be a smile from me that keeps you strong. It may be listening to my good news that makes you feel strong. It may be praise from your peers that make you strong (Your class does that great Miss Watt). It may be the kids who cause you such mayhem but give you so much pride that make you strong. Whatever it is it doesn’t matter. You are strong. You stay strong.That’s all that counts.

And for me? Well that’s what keeps me strong. Your strength and optimism. Your words of encouragement. Your honestly. Your trust. That’s what keeps me strong.

We can do that for each other. We do it everyday. And will do so for eternity.

I know you don’t feel at your strongest today. Maybe it’s been a bit longer but today you felt the loss of not knowing. Losing something you didn’t have before you could have it. It is something I can’t really understand because I have not been in that position. I am hear to listen though. Or just to breath with. You can stay in there.

I see you are taking a lot on and it’s starting to show. The pressures you have are chipping away at you and I can see that. You are still in control however. Never forget that. And when you are not in control? Remember me. Remember what you do for me. Don’t use my smiles to hide your own struggles. Show me. Let me take the weight from you.

I am here for you. Never forget that.

That’s the one thing I have realised this year and in particular this month. You are my constant. No matter what you are always there. Morning, Day and Night. You are there. 

You are the wall that I throw the ball of life at. Everytime it bounces back with the velocity and friction reduced to a walking pace so I can see it in slow motion and make sense of how it is spinning and moving. 

You are the bricks that make me feel like my home is secure. You are the concrete that forms my foundations. You are the pebbles that skip above the murky ocean and wash up at my feet with the shine of possibility. 

No matter where I look I find you. You are there. 

Constant.

I love you for that Julie. I am that for you. 

I love you Julie.

Yours sincerely

The man whose breath you would like to live in.

[-twolostsouls-]

6

Hey Futureface.

We had the luxury of time over the holidays so this was delayed but not forgotten.

I’m just stopping in to say that we are now half way through this adventure. It has gone so quick yet has felt like a lifetime. Now only 6 to go until we can start our real adventure together.

Flat hunting, decorating, selecting pointless furnishings that are blue and look cute, multiple trips to Tesco after midnight, movie nights music nights, lazy mornings in bed all day “sleeping”. All the things we do so badly and so well but in our home and on our terms.

A home for the guitars, violins and ukuleles. A home for the fluffy family. A home for all the memories we have gathered so far.

No more living from bags. No more flights, boars and buses. No more driving you to terminals to say goodbye.

Our life to do as we please. I’m craving it. Soon spoon.

I can’t wait. I can’t wait. I will wait though. You’re worth all the weight in the world as it’ll be lifted once you’re home.

We are going to make this count. My life is yours. My life is just beginning.

With you. Our life.

I love you.

[-twolostsouls-]

Hey Sleepyhead.

Hey. I know you're sleeping. I hope you are dreaming of all the little voices, lively classrooms, corridors and patchwork walls. And in there somewhere I hope you're dreaming of me. I'm proud of you. Everyday I am. You're at your best when you give your all to them. I should know. I know what that's like. You give your all to me every second of every day. I love you at your worst. And best. When the voices say goodbye Miss Watt, the corridors fall deathly silent and the light dims on the decorated walls I will be here to pick you up. I'll be here to listen to why you're day was so good. Or so bad. I'll be here. Even when I'm not so good. Or being weird. I'm still here. I promise. Keep telling me. I want your everything. Anyway. I came on this to write one thing but I got derailed. I just wanted to say that I can't wait to live with you. I'm scared I'll mess it up and I won't ever get to experience that. I'm scared we never live together.Please live with me. Please keep me strong like you have done because I'm weak just now. You're keeping us sane. Keeping us strong. You're helping me focus on the future. I'm grateful for that. I don't ever say it but I am. I'm sitting here unable to sleep and all I can think is that sleepless nights will be nonexistent once we have our own bed. Our own space. To sit quietly in. Or make all the noise in. Our own life. Together. Just us. Our own home that I can cook dinner for us in and I can sit eagerly listening to your stories about faceless children who I know so well. I'll sit sipping stories from your mind like a big kid myself. Playing in the palm of your hand with the feeling of content bristling through my soul. I love you Julie.

[-twolostsouls-]

7

I've not been feeling that great for a while. I'm tired and frustrated. I can't be bothered with ambiguity or metaphors in this one. As the months go on its not getting any easier. It just seems all the more pointless this whole thing. Why did we choose this? We could die next July and this year would have just been a waste. I don't feel any stronger for it. I don't think our relationship is either. It was already as strong as it could be. It's just up and down up and down. Travelling and emotions. It's just an inconvenience with no positives to it. I'm closing down Mon-Fri. If I'm happy during these days I end up sad because I can't share that happiness with you next to me. If I'm sad I get worse because you're not here to make me feel better. This sound awfully negative but love isn't all roses and gentle words all the time. Sometimes it's thorny and harsh tongued. This is still a declaration of my love to you with the difference being I'm shining a light on how I feel without you. I only feel right when you are here. I'm not myself otherwise. Without you I'm nothing. I'm a nobody. As sick as this is I hope you feel the same without me. I know my feelings towards you. I know I love you. I know you love me. I know our life together will be great. You are my soul mate. My best friend. I just want you home. I just want you home. That's all I want. Home. Hurry the fuck up life.

[-twolostsouls-]

Hurry up future!

Hey Julie.

I can’t wait for our life together. To live together. I fell in love with you all over again when you spoke to me last night. You were so emotional and raw. Beautifully exposed.

I don’t always listen to your words as clearly as I did last night. I sometimes let my own negative hearing take over and the message you send me gets lost because of it sometimes. I’m sorry for that.

But I really heard it last night. I stopped when I saw it on your face. That are emotion. Just like that time you sat on my bed and told me you loved me. For the first real time. Every word coated with surprise, truth, hurt, wanting, reality and pure love.

I felt it. It sparked me into life again.

I can’t wait for our future. I can’t wait for Tommy, Petey, Ralph, Rebekkah, Sylvia, Eliza, Maria and everything and everyone else we’ll gather to live in OUR home.

Home. Our home.

I can’t wait for that. I can’t wait to fill up that jar towards our future.

I love you always. You are home. My home. Your home. Our home.

[-twolostsouls-]

8

It’s been the most difficult last few days we’ve went through. I was hurt more than I could ever imagine.

I spoke of how I would use number 8 as a reminder to how close we came to losing it all. But that would be wrong.

I was hurt so bad for a reason. I felt like it was all gone. Just like that. The real reason I was hurt though? I felt guilty. We both did. We know its not easy right now but we don’t make it any easier sometimes.

I was hurt because that honesty and mutuality had been damaged. But we can salvage it. Like we have done with one another since that chance meeting a lifetime ago.

I can’t live without you. You’re in my veins. In my blood and heart. In my soul. The pain I felt was multiplied when I seen you break down. I didn’t want to see that. I was hurting for myself. The hurt I felt for you breaking down in front of me was 10 times worse.

My best friend looking lost and despaired. Without hope. Knowing I couldn’t help at that moment because I was hurting too.

My life stopped for a while. I needed to open my eyes again and see everything we dream of. I did. I went over every detail in my head and thought of our future. My future. The one and only detail though that was a certainty, a constant was you.

You’re in my everything. You are my everything. My life is yours. Yours to break or yours to treasure. You jolt me into life everyday. I’m in your hands.

You creep into the slumber of my soul at 7am every morning and wake me up. You gently touch my thoughts and say “Gary, wake up. You’ve got me to protect. I’ve got you to look after. Get up Gary. We’ve got a purpose now”.

I wake up and look for the message. If its there my heart skips a beat. I don’t always look at it straight away. I sometimes go shower first then come back to read it just to prolong the excitement of hearing you say “moooooorning!”

If the message is not there I feel content knowing I can give you that feeling. That energy kick in the morning. That assurance that we are there for each other to take on the day. Take on the world.

So yeah, this is a reminder.

A reminder that we are human. That we do and will make silly mistakes. That we need to try harder than ever for these next 8 months. That we can break. We can bend. But that we are resilient.

Most importantly though?

It’s a reminder that we are strong. We can get through problems. We are honest but need to maintain that more than ever these next 8 milestones. White lies happen but can’t right now.

I actually had the thought of how many white lies you told the others. How many black lies you told them. And how many of them that you finally confessed to.

I assume you didn’t confess many if any at all. I know all your black lies. Your white lies. I know everything. That means the world to me.

You confess them to me. You show your sins. As do I.

We can trust but can trust more. We will have to over the next 8 chapters. I know we will though.

So a reminder.

A reminder we love each other. A reminder you’re my life. A reminder my future is you. A reminder we are stronger than ever. A reminder that in 8 months time we’ll live together. A reminder that we will travel the world together. A reminder that we will have pets. A reminder that we will get married. A reminder that we will have children. A reminder that we will have grandchildren. A reminder that we will spend the rest of our lives together. A reminder we will die together.

A reminder that you are my best friend.

A reminder that I, Gary, love you, Julie, with everything I have. I always will.

A reminder that you are my soulmate.

My everything.

I love you.

[-twolostsouls-]

Title Us.

Scents. On pillows of light blue beginnings calming the disparity of dark blue in between. Offerings. Greeting notes in royal blue with scents for later. Wishes protected in white piercing blue with unearthed desires. Senseless Nostalgia is current. Filtering lungs breathing the air you left behind. Choking gleefully with pain long gone. Full. Decaying senses purged from poison and putrid memories filled with subtle smiles and leaky stares. Order. Planning for nothing. Nothing needs no planning. Nothing is needed. No next or when. Just yes. Rotting. Shipwrecks of pasts drifting away in the oceans no longer trialled. Waves crashing in silence. Accents. Tones scrawled across shipdecks, melodies of sea tales and sirens of future travels. Hindered present but content for soon Odours of stale failings fading away Mulchy soil under which its buried Endlessly bloom once watered to death It's only ours. Our souls are saved. Our oceans end at home.

[-twolostsouls-]

9

When you scratch your thumb and cut the skin when you are stressed and not feeling great. I feel strong when I grab your hand to prevent you from hurting yourself. I love how you let me stop you. 

As if you’re wanting me to. As if you’re wanting me to know something is up and you know I can help. It reinforces the fact that you’ll let me protect you. 

That you’re willing to let me help. For the first time you’re willing to let someone trulyhelp. And it is me.

It is a metaphor to me. I will defend you from yourself just like you do for me. 

[-twolostsouls-]

10

I love the way you look up at me as you wriggle and squeeze yourself into my chest as close as you possibly can. And then you squeeze a little more.

Your eyes just light up and fill me with the perfect feeling of being wanted and being loved. It lets me know I make you feel safe which give me the most secure feeling I’ve ever had. It makes me know I’m doing everything right. 

That will never change.

[-twolostsouls-]

Oceans Together.

Looking out onto what seems like the end of the world, I sit waiting for the moment I see her face and she's blows that warm wind into my sails.  It's far from the end of the world. My world is out there beyond the seagull calls. It's her. It's you.  Her siren call bellowing in my heart and reeling me towards her until I'm at her mercy. Safe in her net. She's my anchor. She stops me from drifting. If I was to drop a tear in the sea it would collide with her tear in the murky water. They wouldn't be lost amongst the mass body out there. They would flow together and create navy ripples that only we would surf. She's my ship and I'm her sea. She's my sea and I'm her ship. We'll manoeuvre the waves together and sail towards our future. To sail towards our great life.

[-twolostsouls-]

I love you Julie.

She's now away but not gone. It's "see you soon" rather than "goodbye". She's not on her own and neither am I. She's an extension of me. She's the same. Like 2 jigsaw pieces eased into the wrong puzzle. We work effortlessly. I love her more than life itself. And she loves me equally. The sands of time trickle through my choking throat and chest but bring our great life together closer with every grain. I love you. I love you Julie.

[-twolostsouls-]

Black and White but mostly Grey.

Magpies seem to follow me.

Maybe I’m not meant to have much luck. Or maybe they are just interested in seeing how I deal with it.

Ah well. I’ve grown accustomed to things not going my way fully, just getting by and doing what I think people want. It’s second nature to me. Just like its in their nature to group together and steal shiny objects

Biting my tongue just to make it easier on everyone else. Being the “good guy”. It’s what I do. Even in the face of disrespect I hold back my nastiness and tame my frustration. For who’s benefit? I don’t know anymore.

Oh well. Same old.