I haven't done a long post in a while, and I feel like it’ll be important for me to remember what I've been feeling these last couple of weeks, in the future.
I met a guy who I started to really like. We had met twice (first time I went up to him, second time he invited me to come see him perform his music) and spoken a lot via messenger. He asked to meet up before I leave (in a week), I gave him a day when I was free and he said he'd have to confirm that day and get back to me. He never did, and I didn't expect it at all - not him not messaging, nor my reaction.
Together with the loneliness I've been feeling, I was put straight back into a state of depression for about a week. The house was virtually empty, and pretty much all of my friends (?) are fasting for Ramadan, meaning they're spending it with their families - while I'm neither religious, nor geographically close to my family (except my brother who's been staying with me for a month or so, but he's got a busy life). I invited some of them over last week and made them an Iftar, which was fun, but then I was incredibly bored again for the rest of the time,
Then I've been reading Assata Shakur’s (amazing) autobiography, and I watched the documentary on Nina Simone a couple of nights ago. I like the person who I'm (politically) becoming, but I feel like I'm not doing anything worthwhile (besides running the Palestine Society). They were/are such amazing women, and both went through so much, while I'm complaining, in my middle-class expat university-educated privileged existence.
I've also often gone with my brother to events, full of interesting people including academics, writers, artists (most being PoCs), and I've had to come to the conclusion that I'm not there to contribute anything meaningful to conversations, but instead I exist for comic relief. I feel intimidated, and I've no new/exciting inputs. I don't know how to come to terms with that yet.
I've sort of just been feeling very isolated, and extremely lonely. In a week I'll be back in Germany, where I will get to see my family again. I haven't told anyone I'm Germany that I'm coming back for the summer, except one childhood-best-friend who I reconnected with two summers ago. I'm going to be there for two months (with a break in Portugal with my parents for a week), working twice a week with my aunt, and I will have to make sure I've enough books to read for the possibility of sitting in parks and reading all day. Because that's my plan. And it'll be ok.