[01-05-2001]

20 any pronouns

im calormen on ao3

@05112005 for more art

@bethlehemsam for supernatural stuff

not very active aside from asks/dms, inbox is always open.

not a tcc blog, not pro anything, i just like the movie

[01-05-2001]

mini lino stamp i made

[01-05-2001]

i can’t find my elephant merch. i’m going to start screaming

[01-05-2001]

credits rolled on backrooms and multiple people in the crowd audibly went WHAT? IS THAT IT?

[01-05-2001]

are u still here ?

am i?

[01-05-2001]

plz plz plzzz write a follow up fic or chapter to “i go back, reliving” or like just tell me more about your thought process behind it…i was terrified, bricked, and literally brought to tears all at the same time… im obsessed with your fics and the way you write its just so like twistedly dark and romantic and beautifully so… idk if ive ever came across a work so hard hitting… i feel like jesus followers when they found the scriptures… i have soooo many questions about the little plot you made in that chapter like… what exactly happened to cal over the summer for his brain to be rewired so and for him and andre to have like an un spoken distance between the two… we see andres pov but what is cal thinking… probably something fucked but omg you dont even understand how much your fics… especially this one… means to me… its just so beautifully written and uncomforting and its so rare to come across a fic as well done as yours… i wanted more to the story i was so sad when i finished the fic… soo many questions… literally had me starting at my ceiling…im sorry this is long as hell… im also a non-tcc zero day fan and a spn fan as well and stumbling across your ao3 account feels like salvation…

first off, thank you for reading and taking the time to send in an ask! i’d like to warn everyone now that i’ll be talking quite frankly about SA and my personal experiences down below 👇

i go back reliving is one of my favourite fics, and most personal, and one of the ones i can rarely ever reread. it’s very much a vent fic lol.

i really wanted to explore the experience that comes following being violently assaulted. in my own experience, it destroyed my entire person and created a sense of detachment between body/mind. cal here is struggling to cope with what happened to him. i think what he tries to do is recreate/relive it but in a version where he’s in control and not completely powerless. there’s a really intense and sobering fear in realising that you, in that moment, have no power. you can’t fight back. maybe you don’t even try, you just submit to it. i think that powerlessness would be especially terrifying to someone like cal, whose entire life at that point in the movie is being guided by this idea that he’s godlike and enacting this higher agenda. being assaulted is very? humanising? to him.

andre is the safest person in cal’s life, so of course he’s the only person cal would trust enough to be so physically vulnerable with.

cal is so cruel to andre in this. re-enacting his own assault with andre, forcing him into the role of perpetrator but simultaneously making him a victim. and thinking it’ll fix something but in the end it just makes it worse for both of them in this uncrossable insurmountable way. i don’t think it did for cal what he hoped it would, and he’s driven this big wedge between himself and andre now, but he can’t blame anyone but himself. i think his own vulnerability and humanity disgusts him a little.

and andre is just.. used. i think at this point in the narrative he would have deeper romantic feelings for cal than vice versa, though subconscious. maybe cal knows, maybe he doesn’t. either way, cal takes advantage of it. at the end of it, andre’s done exactly what was asked of him, and it’s still ruined everything. he doesn’t *want* to hurt or brutalise cal (see: trying to find lube when cal wants it dry) but he wants to badly to be useful and to give cal what he wants.

[01-05-2001]

[01-05-2001]

i had a little thought today after reading a wolf at the door (i'll put a comment on that at some point because i enjoyed it a lot) about if andre would look up pictures of cal's body/car wreck after the accident. they seem like the type to watch gore/shock videos together. maybe it'd have been spread around and he'd have seen it unwittingly. i wonder what his reaction would be ^_^

SUNNY. i’m so crazy excited that you read it. your opinion matters more than you’d know!

the short answer is: yes.

the long answer is: ITS COMPLICATED. andre absolutely would search them out. i think it drives andre crazy that there are parts of cal’s life that andre will never get to see - and his death is one of them. i think it drives him even crazier that rachel got to see it and he didn’t. his jealousy over rachel in general is something really special to me in AWATD, he hates that rachel got the “ending” he was meant to have with cal. dying is very intimate. but i also don’t think he would have any success in finding anything. i also think this ‘unknown’ is what influences/feeds into his haunting about cal - he only has half of the story so he has to make up the other half in a way that makes sense to him and is palatable.

i’m so glad you asked this. there’s actually a fun little scene about this in the later parts :)

[01-05-2001]

[01-05-2001]

Hi anon frm previous message dude that fic was fucking beautiful writing that at 16 is an insane flex 😭😭 just wanted to compliment you on it i hope this wasn't creepy

LOLLL thank you. not creepy at all. i do think the fic has aged and there are things i would change in retrospect but i’m still crazy proud of it. it’s really special to me and it makes me feel really really happy that people are still reading it. !!!!

[01-05-2001]

i hope this isn't a strange question but did you write a certain frikey fic in 2022

HAHA yes i did

[01-05-2001]

a wolf at the door chapter 1 is so fucking good oh my god. i read it last night and i find myself coming back to certain bits of prose that have lodged themself into my mind in the less than 24 hours i have had with this beautiful thing. i Love chuck i am so scared something will happen to her. the entire "dream" sequence at the end made me so nauseated by wrongcal that i felt like i was dying. i love rachel?? you've expanded so wonderfully on her character and it feels completely natural as an extension of what we know of her. and sera.. the mark of a very special awesome author is when they can add in original characters that fit so well into the world that it feels like theyve always been there. and holy shit you've done it excellently. i'm so curious about what still happened in this universe in regards to zero day. given the mention of the burnt note and cal dying in april im guessing they got very close? im very excited to see where this story goes. andre thinking about how young cal looks in photos from high school is soo heartbreaking. i like how you can tell andre has matured as a person somewhat but hes still a freak. speaking of freaks i love what youve added to cal in terms of making him offputting. ok fuck this ask is already so long i probably shouldve made this an ao3 comment. rest assured you will be hearing from me again. either here or there. :)

ANON. this was such a lovely message to wake up to. thank you forever and ever.

i really love this fic and i’m excited for the story to develop further. cal is soooo evil and offputting and weird and wrong. my favourite thing about him here is that he isn’t any weirder or more sinister really than he is in canon, or back when he was still alive, it’s more that the environment and people have changed so much that he no longer fits comfortably in it.

chuck is my baby. my darling girl. i love her. i was honestly pretty worried about how she’d be received (given rachel, the only prominent woman in canon lol, is pretty widely hated. but honestly the canon cast is so limited that i needed to introduce new people in at some point 🤷‍♀️ to me chuck is the ultimate symbol of andre’s “new life”. she never met or knew cal. but that also means there’s a whole other half of andre that she doesn’t know. versus rachel, who only knows andre through the lens of his friendship to cal.

with zero day itself the timeline is admittedly a little loose and fast here. mostly because i forgot what date prom was on so it gets a little tight at the end there. assume prom was like, mid april. but yeah - AWATD diverges from ZD canon right after those final tapes and before May 1.

ao3 comments, asks, messages, emails — they’re all very welcome! i love getting feedback and hearing people’s opinions.

[01-05-2001]

hello..

[01-05-2001]

sometimes i see 15 year olds on twitter and think they’re cringe and then i remember when i was 15 i wrote a 70,000 word fanfiction where vic fuentes rescued me from my neglectful parents and hugged me a lot and also i got a hot emo boyfriend. of all of the people to choose as a pseudo father figure to project onto

[01-05-2001]

please post again i miss ur fics so much </3

i’m trying… i’m trying!! hard to balance work life mental health etc etc with writing. but i try. i still have my caldre long fic that is getting slowly chipped away at. much love

[01-05-2001]

Do you take doc requests/commissions? I am absolutely in love with your writing and have an idea I don’t think I’d be able to put justice too

hi anon! thank you for your interest. i don’t take commissions (as you can tell im either not writing for months or manically writing nonstop for weeks) but i do (kind of) take requests. if you have anything you’d like me to write about, you can always send an ask or a message. i can’t guarantee if or when i’ll get to it, but i will try!

[01-05-2001]

i really really wanna say i love your fics sm they're the only thing i use ao3 for. i admire your work and you're so talented 😁

thank you! this is wonderful to hear. i’ve been writing a lot recently and excited to share with everyone :)