[01-05-2001]

20 any pronouns

im calormen on ao3

@05112005 for more art

@bethlehemsam for supernatural stuff

not very active aside from asks/dms, inbox is always open.

not a tcc blog, not pro anything, i just like the movie

[01-05-2001]

photo of mikey way i used to chew on when i was angry

[01-05-2001]

i have to be forreal the only caldre ive actually written recently is a girl!cal fic but i dont even know if ill publish it

[01-05-2001]

when i was 14 i was so parasocially in love with nile red

[01-05-2001]

getting snake bites tomorrow to heal my inner child

[01-05-2001]

when i say this pho was lifechanging

[01-05-2001]

on “vacation”with my boyfriend aka getting wine drunk in an airbnb and forcing him to watch twilight

[ripdrhomo]

oops... you shouldn't have hit him

[01-05-2001]

the sheer comedy of opening a fic, seeing that it’s clearly AI written, going on the author’s profile and seeing that they “don’t consent to having their work plagiarised by ai”. do you think i’m stupid

[antlergrave]

[01-05-2001]

mini lino stamp i made

[01-05-2001]

i can’t find my elephant merch. i’m going to start screaming

[01-05-2001]

credits rolled on backrooms and multiple people in the crowd audibly went WHAT? IS THAT IT?

[01-05-2001]

are u still here ?

am i?

[01-05-2001]

plz plz plzzz write a follow up fic or chapter to “i go back, reliving” or like just tell me more about your thought process behind it…i was terrified, bricked, and literally brought to tears all at the same time… im obsessed with your fics and the way you write its just so like twistedly dark and romantic and beautifully so… idk if ive ever came across a work so hard hitting… i feel like jesus followers when they found the scriptures… i have soooo many questions about the little plot you made in that chapter like… what exactly happened to cal over the summer for his brain to be rewired so and for him and andre to have like an un spoken distance between the two… we see andres pov but what is cal thinking… probably something fucked but omg you dont even understand how much your fics… especially this one… means to me… its just so beautifully written and uncomforting and its so rare to come across a fic as well done as yours… i wanted more to the story i was so sad when i finished the fic… soo many questions… literally had me starting at my ceiling…im sorry this is long as hell… im also a non-tcc zero day fan and a spn fan as well and stumbling across your ao3 account feels like salvation…

first off, thank you for reading and taking the time to send in an ask! i’d like to warn everyone now that i’ll be talking quite frankly about SA and my personal experiences down below 👇

i go back reliving is one of my favourite fics, and most personal, and one of the ones i can rarely ever reread. it’s very much a vent fic lol.

i really wanted to explore the experience that comes following being violently assaulted. in my own experience, it destroyed my entire person and created a sense of detachment between body/mind. cal here is struggling to cope with what happened to him. i think what he tries to do is recreate/relive it but in a version where he’s in control and not completely powerless. there’s a really intense and sobering fear in realising that you, in that moment, have no power. you can’t fight back. maybe you don’t even try, you just submit to it. i think that powerlessness would be especially terrifying to someone like cal, whose entire life at that point in the movie is being guided by this idea that he’s godlike and enacting this higher agenda. being assaulted is very? humanising? to him.

andre is the safest person in cal’s life, so of course he’s the only person cal would trust enough to be so physically vulnerable with.

cal is so cruel to andre in this. re-enacting his own assault with andre, forcing him into the role of perpetrator but simultaneously making him a victim. and thinking it’ll fix something but in the end it just makes it worse for both of them in this uncrossable insurmountable way. i don’t think it did for cal what he hoped it would, and he’s driven this big wedge between himself and andre now, but he can’t blame anyone but himself. i think his own vulnerability and humanity disgusts him a little.

and andre is just.. used. i think at this point in the narrative he would have deeper romantic feelings for cal than vice versa, though subconscious. maybe cal knows, maybe he doesn’t. either way, cal takes advantage of it. at the end of it, andre’s done exactly what was asked of him, and it’s still ruined everything. he doesn’t *want* to hurt or brutalise cal (see: trying to find lube when cal wants it dry) but he wants to badly to be useful and to give cal what he wants.

[01-05-2001]

[01-05-2001]

i had a little thought today after reading a wolf at the door (i'll put a comment on that at some point because i enjoyed it a lot) about if andre would look up pictures of cal's body/car wreck after the accident. they seem like the type to watch gore/shock videos together. maybe it'd have been spread around and he'd have seen it unwittingly. i wonder what his reaction would be ^_^

SUNNY. i’m so crazy excited that you read it. your opinion matters more than you’d know!

the short answer is: yes.

the long answer is: ITS COMPLICATED. andre absolutely would search them out. i think it drives andre crazy that there are parts of cal’s life that andre will never get to see - and his death is one of them. i think it drives him even crazier that rachel got to see it and he didn’t. his jealousy over rachel in general is something really special to me in AWATD, he hates that rachel got the “ending” he was meant to have with cal. dying is very intimate. but i also don’t think he would have any success in finding anything. i also think this ‘unknown’ is what influences/feeds into his haunting about cal - he only has half of the story so he has to make up the other half in a way that makes sense to him and is palatable.

i’m so glad you asked this. there’s actually a fun little scene about this in the later parts :)