Half Past Too Much; Self Para
▸▸ — It’s two in the morning and the only thing Taeyong can think to do at the moment is weep. For the past three hours his mind had decided to settle on thoughts of his past, an unforgiving hell he often replayed in his mind for the last handful of years. But nothing ever calmed him the way he needed to be. In fact, nothing ever seemed to resolve the dialogue that played recurringly in his mind night after night as his thoughts began to unravel. ‘These are thoughts you keep to yourself’ and ‘As a leader, you are meant to show undeniable strength, don’t be pathetic’ were things he often heard from his superiors. Even as times changed, the help he was given was never truly helpful. He often felt alone, and more so than that, he often felt like letting go.
▸▸ — Many times he’d seek help only to be given the same routine response; ‘Things will get better, you’ll see’ but they never did. In fact, he was better at pretending things had gotten better than knowing what it truly felt like for them to therein be better. But even then, pretending was evidently tiring. As days passed, Taeyong did all he could to fight the negative thoughts that clouded his mind, but that unnerving voice that remained silent at his greatest moments always spoke quietly, in the end, destroying any progress he’d make.
▸▸ — “You’re pathetic. A fucking joke.” He’d tell himself, finding it hard to ever look at himself without seeing the boy from his past that haunted him. He wasn’t the same, certainly, this was true but it didn’t change that he’d once been as terrible to others as he advocated others not to be. He felt like a hypocrite, shamelessly walking through his newfound success as a leader when he was once unworthy of such responsibility. But even as he had changed, as he had grown to be someone worth leading others, he couldn’t help but feel a sense of guilt. ‘There are people better for this than me’.
▸▸ — And there, within the mess of his mind and the words that seemed to trap him in an unending loop of self-destruction lies the most obvious solution - Just stop. Stop thinking. Stop dwelling. It was the only solution he could find to better himself. ‘If I don’t dwell, I won’t fall’. But sometimes, trying isn’t enough. Finding it hard to distract himself from the negativity that surrounded him, he decided to take solace in writing out his feelings. His therapist had suggested a diary, but Taeyong felt it wouldn’t be enough. Yes, he loved to write and create lyrics for songs, but he needed more. So he instead chose to scrapbook with written entries.
▸▸ — Every entry had its own photo and detailed every thought he had along with how his day went. But tonight, he chose against taking a photo and writing down what crossed his mind. He was too tired. Too exhausted to try. He needed sleep, trying his best to distract himself in order to calm his mind by pressing the flat of his fingers against his eyes and count the “stars” that formed in the unending darkness.
“Tonight I win. Tonight I win..”
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