korina was an actress. one that was able to control her emotions in every sense of the statement, who was able to cry on command, who was able to feign emotion in the front of an audience without second thought. so why, in this exact moment, was she so unable to morph her own emotions to her wills? why couldn’t she tell her body to stop this, to stop doing things like this to people like this, to stop just being korina so blatantly. but even when she internally yelled at herself, she couldn’t stop just, talking. just talking and crying and talking more.
but it made sense, at least when she tried to reason it out. it made sense that at some point she had to break down, for she had been bottling it all up, every hospital visit since, every side comment, every heartbreak and missed chance, and she had been trying to keep it all to the side. she was korina, the funny one, the one that was always there for a laugh and a smile, not the one that was falling apart at the seams behind the curtains. so she just kept it in a bottle.
she could guess that the bottle was smashed.
the hopelessness, it was something she had felt deep inside her soul. she felt hopeless lying on a hospital bed puking on herself because she could not move in any direction. she felt hopeless when they said that they could only do another round of chemo. she felt hopeless when they shaved her head for the first time. but somehow, she never lost hope. maybe it was her mother by her side, maybe it was to prove to whoever that was up there that they could not fuck with her anymore, but she kept that hope in her back pocket for bad times. “hope isn’t very easy to keep anymore.” she paused to cough into her elbow, trying to clear the rasp out of her tone. “i still try to hold it with me, through family and friends, but it isn’t easy to carry it alone.” she took a deep, shaky breath, and exhaled it slowly as to calm herself down.
“i still do feel sorry. i shouldn’t be putting my years of emotional stress on you. i can handle it, i guess. or find a therapist or something, that would probably be helpful.” she bit her bottom lip, tongue darting out to moisten her lips for a moment, dry and cracked from heavy breathing. “really jihoon, i’m allowed to be sorry for sobbing to you about my years of slow imminent death. it isn’t really a topic that i tend to talk about.” of course it wasn’t, mainly because it made her do this if she didn’t joke about it, say the typical joke about where her mass formed, answer the question on if she can have kids.
the movement of him towards her, his hand rubbing at her shoulder, did soothe her in some sorts. she was a human that relied on others to tame her, and when she truly felt the presence of another person rather than just a voice, it brought her down a level. one step closer to reality. she stifled a laugh at his last statement, however, shaking her head slowly, hair just brushing her shoulders. “trust me, you’re not the worst person. one time i told someone and they told me to stop lying, and then said that i need to man up and just cut the ovary off. it was terrible.” she frowned remembering it, but she had recovered from it just the same as she would recover from this. with time and breathing.
Jihoon's lips pursed into a fine line just slightly at the other's words, but he could understand that; he decided to listen to her speak and make his comments afterwards, but at her words, he finally spoke up and he found himself chuckling soft and light-heartedly. "I mean, Well," he hesitated since she was pushing it on him and he shrugged loosely at it, "Alright, Then I'll let you apologise for it, but only on the circumstance that you know that I'm always ready to listen." Offering this words, his eyebrow quirked with a sort of curiosity as if the other was possibly going to turn him down.
"Really, I don't mind." reassurance. He made sure to repeat these things and make sure that she knew that the two of them were friends and that's what he was there for, albeit his lack of a proper handle on the topics. "I mean-- I know I'm. . . not the best at this but I'm a great listener if anything . . . but if I'm the one you come to--?" he pauses for a moment as if he was searching for the proper way to word what he was speaking of. "Then you have to be prepared for maybe not hearing everything that you wanna hear, maybe sometimes things you need to hear and that are gonna be maybe the last thing you wanna hear." Jihoon's voice was soft but there was a kind of firmness that accompanied it as he did like this decision was unwavering; As if he hadn't shown her this prior.
"I. . ." he paused, struggling to say what he was meaning and let out another sigh with difficult, "I really Do care about you? I know I may not be as close friends to you as everyone else because my schedules can get hectic and such-- But you're an important person in my life and If I feel like-- Me saying what you want to hear isn't going to help you, then I won't do it." Jihoon further explained a bit better than before, "Not that I don't mind catering to that need every once in a while." He added in with soft laughter collecting now because of course, it sounded crazy for him to say something like this, but he was lightening the mood as much as he could and he couldn't deny that sometimes he did adhere to what people needed when he could on the offhand chance that he could fulfill it without hindering the other as well.
Jihoon's eyebrows furrowed and curved down into an incredulous look, "Wow, People really are assholes." He muttered to himself before sighing softly, retracting his odd hand that was placed on her shoulder moments before and burying it into his pockets as if he was trying to hide the fact that he had done anything. This whole situation was putting him slightly out of his comfort zone but that was alright for him because he was at least helping his friend (or at least he hoped so.) Jihoon took a slow deep breath inwards through his nostrils before slowly letting it out as he shook his head quietly.
"I guess that makes me feel a bit better, but hearing that makes me sort of wanna go punch those people, If I'm being completely honest." Jihoon muttered to himself as he frowned quietly and looked elsewhere, nose wrinkling with a sort of disdain before he ever so slightly, let the bottom of his shoe kick up a little to graze across the flooring as he thought to himself. Wondering what it is that he could do to make her feel better. It seemed like maybe there was little else that he could do despite the factors that he had already done.
"Honestly, I want to make you smile and think about something else than this since it seems like you've cried for so long and got out how much you needed-- Unless-- you need more. . . then i'll wait--" he was stuttering almost and he was mentally hitting himself at how awkward he got when his friends were in such a vulnerable place and he was clueless on how to handle it. "But, Once you find you've had enough and want to smile, Think of something that you like to do that makes you smile, or many things? -- And we can go do them." he offered with a tight grin as his lips pursed once more and nodded to his own wording. "Just kinda stop thinking about all the reality of things for now and just think about what makes you happy; Cause reality is great-- but sometimes too much of it can be overbearing for you."
titsay
stormborns
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