Here i am again, life has brought me back to you. In reality you never left i always see you in number 647, i really cant make why i still hold on. I recently took a step towards you because the number never left me. I have no idea what this means, i believe god speaks to us in different ways and i felt this was something said to me. For good or bad, i have no idea but i cant help to think how cruel life can be that it doesn’t let me let go of you. Is it because you never let go of your first love or is masochism on the thought of what could have been or what could be now. I have no idea if you are single or married but my mind doesn’t care it wonders in fantasy of us and what we can be.
Im guilty as im a hopeless romantic but you are the only woman i have been fully romantic and have ever had the urge to be fully romantic, from the details of create a space for us or making a meal, you are the only one that has made sense to give who i am and all of me.
You, you that doesn’t know me now, you that has lived a life without me, you that grows as i grow as an individual, you who lives life as best you can, you who is without me. (The reality if you having a life without me, without caring, without a thought of me hurts, it feels abnormal but its the norm).
The pain of having to accept the fact that god has a plan and it may be without you hurts and yet i can feel the hope of having you in my life by the grace of god but have no control over his plans as his plans are perfect and yet i see you as damn close to perfect to be part of my life but i have no control. I could do everything in my power to try to obtain you but it may not be gods plan so i stand back and let life be in hopes that god bring you closer to me. So close i can enjoy your company again, i can be blessed by your presence, enjoy your smile up and close, see your lips and crave them, be able to touch your hand and see how your hair is moved by the wind. See how your fangs stand put to me in your smile and how you calmly and gently lean over to embrace me with a kiss.
How can i forget you if your number keeps popping up? It is a sign? Is it meant to be ? Is my prayer being answered when i lost you to be able to gain you back with time? Its far from it you are in the USA and im home. You are the only one that makes me writ, is it a sign that its meant to be or just a figment of my very active imagination that keeps taunting me in not forgetting you and the feeling of the connection we had ?
And here we are again, far from each other, not saying you are feeling them same right now but even if you did we are far, Im willing to endure anything but at this age i would do it differently, I would make plans and change my current life if it meant a life with you, but this is young me thinking as the current me doesn’t know you, its been 14 years which is plenty of time for us to be different people. I don’t even know who you are, i may know who you are in the core but i have know idea who you are or what you have been through to become the persone you are today which i don’t know.
So in this predicament what am I suppose to do? Continue life without you ? Continue my life and see if there is someone else in my future? What am i suppose to do ? Forget you? Accept what it was and move on ? Continue without thinking of you and forgetting you ?
Im not living in the flesh, im celibate and searching for a wife, someone i can truly love and give my life if necessary for. So what do I do with all these feeling, all this things that come as second nature?