The tough thing about boundaries is that itās not enough to state them, you have to enforce them.
I think some folks see āsetting boundariesā as a kind of magic talisman to influence other peopleās behavior. āIāll tell you what I need or canāt accept, and you will act accordingly.ā And sometimes thatās what happens, and thatās great! But if the other person disregards your stated boundaries, it doesnāt mean setting boundaries didnāt work.
Because boundaries arenāt about othersā behavior, theyāre about your own. If the other personās behavior doesnāt change, then yours has to. āPlease donāt discuss [x topic] with meā is a request. āIf you continue to talk about [x topic] then I will end this conversation/hang up/leaveā is a boundary, which you must then enact. The point is less about stopping the other person (although thatās ideal) and more about protecting yourself. And you have to be committed to protecting yourself, because no one else will be.
You have to be so committed that youāre willing to tolerate other people being hurt or angry or uncomfortable. You have to accept that some relationships might change. You have to hold onto the idea that itās all right for them to change, because the way they were before was hurting you, and you deserve to not be hurt. You gave them a choice: maintain a relationship or keep doing the thing that hurts you, and they chose to keep hurting you, so if the situation is now awkward or unpleasant that was because of their choice. Enforcing boundaries means deciding that if someone is going to feel bad here, it need not be always and only you.
There is no magic formula that will make other people treat you kindly and respectfully. But you can learn to treat yourself with kindness and respect. Thatās what enforcing a boundary is.
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