⭑*:༅｡ryan｡༅:*⭑

just a glimpse into my dark and twisted mind…

[0wwiez]

this just in — “67” is demonic via this man

[0wwiez]

67 is demonic but ******* **** *** *** isn’t #OhOkay

[0wwiez]

bf saying things like “who do i have to kill around here to *insert xyz*” multiple times today when ive been bingeing true crime docs

[0wwiez]

“everything you look for in a woman” but can’t say “i love you” first. ok. i know you do it’s okay

[0wwiez]

he didn’t know who tay k was ur so fkn old

[0wwiez]

& i had a mozzarella stick and was “***** ******” for the first time last night. the mozzarella stick was obviously better

[0wwiez]

i tried to lighten the mood in the therapy session by showing my therapist this post and still cannot bring myself to say the things i do aloud — she had me write it down on a piece of paper and i said don’t open it till i leave😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 i truly hope she gets a laugh out of it by how embarassed i am of admitting anything sexually as comfortable as i am doing it

[0wwiez]

this just in — “67” is demonic via this man

[0wwiez]

can never say “there’s nothing wrong with me” ever again

[0wwiez]

and after this week (hopefully) i won’t be seeing a technically married man anymore 😂😂😂😂 LOL!

[0wwiez]

actually no still isn’t finalized btw anyway going over tonight

[0wwiez]

worst pride month of my life

[0wwiez]

“at least i’m not pregnant” i say knowing im much worse than that 😂😂😂😂😂😂 #BrightSide

[0wwiez]

& i had a mozzarella stick and was “***** ******” for the first time last night. the mozzarella stick was obviously better

[0wwiez]

living positively despite knowing if anyone else i knew was grappling with the life changing things im going through would kill themselves 🙏 not dramatizing either

[0wwiez]

waking up to a pregnancy threat (essentially) jesus christ yeah i may love you (still have not said that) but the shit you’ve put me through in the past week (intentional or not) you clearly do not understand the gravity of this on my life. cannot even begin to think about that anymore after this to be so honest. it did change a lot. do i want to leave? still no. but my reasoning has changed.

[0wwiez]

hey so

fuck

[0wwiez]

genuinely so numb and i guess it’s denial but not really. i understand the gravity of the situation but i also don’t. i don’t feel angry or suicidal. i do feel mildly sad but can’t really focus on anything other than the present moment. i feel sorry for myself. but no feelings reach the surface right now. i’m just trying to do my best at still going on life as usual. because what else can i do?

[0wwiez]

i think i’m going to be religious now even though god did not answer my prayers. i have no idea how i am handling this. especially feeling so alone. if i was not still dating him it would be worse for me which i don’t think anyone understands. i’m going to therapy soon and im seriously considering becoming religious even though i don’t see much point.

i know i do not deserve this and that’s what hurts the most. i will probably have a hard life because of this. i want to be more dramatic about this but i screamed and cried yesterday morning and couldn’t get it all out even though i tried. mostly because i know there’s no point in it. it doesn’t change anything. leaving him doesn’t change anything. “i want to be mad and i want to be suicidal” i told him. nobody knows what this feels like other than other people like me. i don’t even think he fully grasps this. i don’t either.

i’ve never had a better reason to completely lose my mind and kill my self, yet i am somehow doing better than i would’ve expected. i know it’s going to get harder eventually. but right now knowing i’m not completely alone helps me a little.

it hurts because i have such a big giving heart and know what the rational things are to do. but i don’t want to be alone navigating this. that’s what my mom can’t understand. i get it from the outside looking in though. i’ll be okay with some time, i just need a lot of it.

[0wwiez]

can’t believe i’m 20 and my life is already over