11-3mo

[11-3mo-blog]

I want to eat.

I really do.

But there is no hunger

no craving

just disgust

repulsion

so how will I convince my body to eat something

[11-3mo-blog]

I want to make a plan and stick to it.

Just stick to it for once.

But my mental health won’t allow it.

But is it my mental health that is not allowing it,

or

do I allow my mental health to not allow me anything?

Is my mental health taking over

Am I guided not by what I want but...

by something else?

And if yes, by what?

What has the control in my head if it is not my mind?

Or is my mind against the body it lives in?

[11-3mo-blog]

Writing. It was my escape. I loved it. But now the words stopped flowing. I did not take the time to write and suddenly I am empty. No words left.

[11-3mo-blog]

Well hello anxiety, I can’t say I missed you...

I really would like to go home. It’s late already and I want to go home and sleep especially as I did not get any sleep last night and I have an exam tomorrow. I really shouldn't stay up another full night, not like today were I was once again afraid of oversleeping a meeting so to avoid it I did not sleep at all. I don’t want to be that tired that I can’t help but fall asleep in a place that might not seem as secure... I can’t let this vulnerability show, I have to get home for some hours.

But...

That would mean that I have to leave this a bit hidden meeting room on university campus. And I just heard some people talking in the hallway, so I could possibly run into someone on my way home.

I... I can’t interact with anyone right now. I already had enough human interaction for today...

I waited for a few minutes and it got quiet. I almost had enough courage to leave but now I can hear footsteps again. And voices, multiple ones. I CAN’T leave right now. What if someone of them knows me and wants to talk to me!?

[11-3mo-blog]

Anxiety and self-hate let me just tell you one thing.

I don’t like you.

[11-3mo-blog]

WHAT DID I DO

I am stupid.

I am not thinking straight.

I am so stupid, that I took on extra tasks while not being able to handle the basic ones that I can’t skip.

It is not even the middle of January and I regret taking on a position that I have to uphold for the WHOLE YEAR.

I have no idea how I will manage. How I can manage.

I will fail.

I will destroy things that are important to me.

I will destroy things that are important to others.

I am going to fail and will make it worse.

Why the hell did I do this!?

On the one hand I really want to take the easy way out.

End it.

All.

But... That would be unfair.

I took the decisions that got me into this. It is my own fault.

So I deserve to see the walls around me crumble.

To see my world get worse and worse.

Me slowly but surely loosing grip.

I do not deserve the easy way out.

I deserve this whole year of pain.

I hope there will be a lot of pain.

I hope it will torture me.

I hope it will completely destroy me.

Because maybe,

then in 2020 I can start new.

Be better.

But first... lets survive 2019.

Give me the pain I deserve!

[11-3mo-blog]

I think I figured it out.

My mind, my anxiety, basically my “internal enemy” wants to hurt me as bad as they can. So now, after they figured out what is really important to me, what I value so much, what I always tried to be, they attack exactly that aspects of myself. They play mind tricks on myself focusing exactly on those aspects as it works best in hurting and destroying me.

I understand.

Which is great. Now I know better what they are doing...now I just need to figure out how to stop them, how to counteract. Because as they know have that way, it hurts so much. The last weeks make sense now, but I am still so scared and so deep within their grasp.

I will manage to get through.

At some point I will. Even if right now I have no clue about how, at some point I will. Even if right now I think like I deserve this. There will be a day on which I am stronger than this. Where I am stronger than my anxiety infiltrated mind. I will get there. Someday I will.

[11-3mo-blog]

Struggling

I can’t take it anymore.

I thought it was getting better.

I thought, finally I am not on the downwards leading road anymore.

But.

There is still a deeper place.

I did not yet hit rock bottom.

And in the last weeks it was just getting worse and worse.

The signs are so obvious by now.

At least to me, I am still really good at pretending.

I will get help.

I will.

Just... as for everything right now... I am not sure when I’ll be able to do so.

I don’t trust myself to achieve anything anymore.

I don’t know if I will be able to drag myself to the health center tomorrow. Or next week. Or the week after.

Because in that moment I will have to convince myself that I am worth saving.

That I am worth getting better.

[11-3mo-blog]

I am not okay.

I am not okay and right now it is getting worse with every single day. I know that my current environment is one of the reasons, but I am not able to leave, not yet. Just a few more weeks and I might can start feeling okay again. Can start being me again. At least this is what I keep telling myself, but maybe... it’s not getting better? But... I won’t manage like this for long anymore...I am just so lost, so scared, so defeated. I don’t feel safe here anymore. It is hurting. It is hurting and I can’t talk about it to anybody - I am just not able because of myself. Tomorrow will be hard. The day after tomorrow will be harder and this will go on for the next weeks. I can’t see it getting better. And it is destroing me. I can not say it out loud, but please anybody can you here me? Do not trust my “I’m fine”’s, they are lies. I AM NOT OKAY. HELP

[11-3mo-blog]

I am sorry.

Whoever considers themselves as my friend, I am sorry. I know I should have called. Sent a text. Congratualte you to your birthday. Sent you a card. Skype with you. Answer your messages. But I didn’t.

It’s not that I’m not thinking of you, that I don’t care about you, believe me, I do! I just... can’t. I don’t find the energy. I am sorry that I am unable to stay in contact and that that’s the reason why some of our friendships broke. I could promise that it will get better, that I will take the time to do it... ...but that is a lie. And I don’t want to lie to you. I care for you. So I better stay silent. It’s better you think I  stoped caring and somehow stop thinking about me, than you realising how broken I am. It could break you. It could make you feel disgusted. It could make you worry. But I don’t want that. You have your own problems to deal with, I don’t want you to even think about mine.

You are such a wonderful person. You deserve better than my silence. But most of the time I can’t give you more. Yes, two years ago it might have been better, but my life was also different back then.

I am struggling to keep up with my life. I am trying to enjoy the moment somehow. And while it seems to work at times, in the back of my mind I know it just works because I don’t use my energy in keeping in contact with you. So having fun in the present makes me feel bad afterwards. But I can’t spread my energy equaly. Or at least I did not find a way yet. I am sorry it is that way. This is me. I appreachiate your tries to save our relationship but... it might not work out. And this is not because of you.

People say that they grew appart. We might have done that. I am sorry, but I will always remember the good times we had.

Thank you for befriending me.

[11-3mo-blog]

not me

This body. This is not me. It's not who I am. So why am I inside it!?

Why does my body not represent me? Around me all people seem to be fine with what their body is telling, sure there are all those insecurities, but they still feel that it's them.

But for me... Why do others say that I'm female? Why do they just assign me to a gender? Because my body looks like it?

But that's not me. Why is my body making it such a hard time for me? Why does it look like that? Work like that?

Why do people say that this is female? Am I in a wrong body? Or is their opinion about female just wrong?

And if I am in a wrong body, how can this be? How can it feel so wrong, while it should feel like 'me'?

Is 'me' just my brain? Just my thoughts? And I am in this prison, that represents a person? A person, that is not me?

How can others see me, if they always first see this body? How can I show who is 'me', if you can't see?

Why is my body working against me, shouldn't it help? Why is it reminding me all the time, that for others I am not me?

If not within my own body, where should I feel safe? How can I know who am I, if even I can't see?

I know that this looks wrong, but...

...who is me?