struggles of an overweight dick deprived student

 20 5'6 SW:191;CW:191;GW:120

[120ordie]

what my trip in Europe will be like

I’m going on a Europe trip next month and I can’t wait for it to absolutely change my life. I can't wait to meet all my new group of best friends and even a lover. I can’t wait to post on Instagram with all of my new European friends in boujee boats, restaurants, and chic outfits. I can’t wait for all the people to ask “omg where are u” or “I miss u” when I'm gone in Europe. I can’t wait for everyone to regret not seeing me or joining me in Europe. I can’t wait to be that BITCH who spends her entire semester traveling around Spain, Portugal, and Paris. I can’t wait to take the best instagram pictures looking rich and thin on my trip. I can’t wait to make the most memories in Spain, Portugal, and Paris. I can’t wait for my friends in Spain to love and hangout with me every second. I can’t wait for Paris, Spain, and Portugal to bring me endless love, adventure, friendships, and experiences. 

[120ordie]

I’m gonna be famous one day and all the people who’ve ditched me will try reaching out. I can’t wait to leave every single one of them on read or be completely dry in my response to them. it’s terrible because ppl would only wanna hangout with me when they saw me going out with other people. now that I dont go out as much and don’t post people think im just a nobody. I feel like actual shit guys

[120ordie]

journal entry #3 sept. 15 2021

hey guys or no one lol, 

after my long rant this weekend I thought it’d be best for me to once again start focusing on myself and shift all the energy onto what I love. well I have zero motivation now that I have no friends. I have motivation to do homework because I have time for it and wanna succeed, but none for cleaning, going to the gym ,etc. because what I think is that I'm not seeing anyone so it doesn't matter or no ones coming over so it doesn't matter. ive been tryna take this “no friends’ thing day by day, but each day it seems to get harder. can anybody tell me why that is? am I not focusing on myself enough by doing things? probably, but anyways ive still been asking people to hangout after I told myself I wouldn't and boy has it been still terrible. Im supposed to be hanging out with an old friend Friday, but I texted her today to double check just bc I got ditched 2 days in a row last weekend. she hasn't responded and now im starting to get worried that once again no one wants to be with me. luckily Saturday and Sunday I have some plans that I know will surely happen. im supposed to be seeing and going to a festival with a couple of my Arab friends that I just met. im hoping this will be fun and exciting. it’ll be during the day and I'll finally be out the house before 10pm. on Sunday my best friend who I've felt the loneliest without is coming back from sb. I feel like I might cry when I see her from the joy of finally having someone who I'd know see me everyday if they still could. I hope I dont break or cry bc I dont wanna be honest about how ive been feeling or what ive been going through. it’s embarrassing to me and I know she’s been living her best life in sb w a million ppl everyday when I’ve barely been able to see a few in the past month. idk just another one of my lonely days and nights, but today I feel extra lonely. I kinda projected onto my older sister and told her she had no friends bc she made me mad. I felt and still feel terrible about it, but I dont wanna apologize yet bc she started it. it was mean of me tho. 

[120ordie]

someone who's supposed to be my best friend & “wifey since 8th grade doesn't even care to give me the time of the day. ive told her I have no friends yet she never checks up on me or asks me to hangout. I try to make plans with her, give her her bday present which ive had for over a month now...but nada. she puts in no effort to try n be a good friend. she constantly flakes or makes up useless excuses to not hangout. she also recently got a new house and is completely home alone for weeks yet hasn't invited me over once. im so over give her chance after chance when she continues to make me feel like im begging then victimizes herself n tries emotionally manipulating me. she is NOT MY BESTFRIEND NOR WIFEY. I cant wait to treat her differently when the time comes but I genuinely dont ever wanna see her because I know I'll go off or end up crying. I can’t change someone, but what I can change is what I do for someone & how I treat someone. from now on she's just a friend and im not going out of my way for her, asking her to hang or make plans, sheesh I dont even wanna give her-her bday gift I just wanna throw it away. I hope I go to Spain, make a shit ton of friends, find a job, and never come back

[120ordie]

its Saturday night, I have Tana’s podcast playing in the back as I type this while emotionally eating because I have no one to hangout with. My best friend moved to college including most of everyone else I knew and I don’t until next year. I’ve never felt so lonely in my life for such a long period of time that its causing me to stress eat. I’ve been overindulging in anything I see and realized it because I've been at this same point in highschool. I’ve felt like I've gained a pound or two and it will only get worse unless I find a way to cope with how lonely I am. I feel like crying 70% of the time because I think about how many friends I had just a few months ago and now I have no one to talk to. I just feel like a burden asking every single person I know to hangout because not one has given me the time of day. I’ve gotten ditched two days in a row by two different people (currently crying while typing this out of shock). I can’t believe I've come to a point where I’m admitting all of this on Tumblr on a Saturday night while binge eating and shedding tears from the reality that has set in as I've typed this short entry. anyways I want my life to desperately go back to how it was & I wanna just say if ur struggling, the most happiest person you know..is too. if u read this far I just wanna say god bless u & I hope all your dreams come true <3

[120ordie]

SW:191 GW:120

IM GOING TO LOSE SO MUCH WEIGHT THIS YEAR, 120 POUNDS HERE I COME!!! GOODNIGHT SKINNY BITCHES

[120ordie]

CW:191;GW:120 TW:FOODLOG

Breakfast: 

-oatmeal

-1 banana

-tablespoon of peanut butter

-cold brew

-almond milk

Lunch:

-1 avocado

-2 slices of sourdough bread

Dinner:

-chicken 

-kale,spinach,and carrot salad mix

-cesar dressing

Snack:

-mug of special k cereal

-2 tablespoons of hummus (80 cals)

-wheat thins

Water:Gallon

Today I was super stressed about school and didn’t worry to much about eating. I wasn’t as hungry or snacky as I usually am because I drank a fuck ton of water. I’ve been sick for a week and my doctor recorded I drink at least a gallon of water a day to stay hydrated & its been helping me stay fuller/feel less likely to binge. It was until night time when my stomach got grumpy so I started snacking. I paced myself and counted calories which was awesome. I love healthy me, but I’m just always scared I’ll end up developing an ed from reading into calories and portions to much. Just me? Its 3 am and I’m half asleep typing so I didn’t have time to write the calories down. Pls forgive me!! Hope you had an amazing food day if ur seeing this :)

[120ordie]

CW:191 GW:120

I’m starting at a new school next week and I’ll be finally on my own out like an adult. I’m gonna have to possibly share a room, but who cares I’m in college and everyones having sex regardless of who's in the room. I wanna have guys over and ultimately a bf, but need my dream body in order to have the confidence. Every time a guy likes me I ghost them 2 days into talking because I’m afraid they’ll do it first. I hate rejection and I always blame it on my weight. I don’t want to be afraid anymore...

[120ordie]

Intro to 120

Hi, to whoever struggling to lose weight..you are far from alone (trust me). I started this page to hold myself accountable. For the first time at the age of 20 I’m taking charge and making sure I make my goal weight by next summer. I went on vacay to visit fam for a month and was body shamed as I am every year. I’ve been trying to hide from seeing them for the past 5 summers til I reached my goal weight but only ended up losing 15-20 pounds since 2016 :( Join me as we take on 70 pounds of fat and become the sexiest best Bella Hadid ass bitches we can be. Talk soon,Xoxo.