rambler

a diary

[1800disaster98]

I once told him that he's gonna be my last one, and its true. Im not gonna go out and search for someone else anymore, im just tired of falling for the wrong person, being attached to someone that don't give a fuck about me. I hurt myself enough, and i think it's best if i just stopped looking.

Some said that people who are depressed understands well about life. The more truth abot life you know, the more sadder you got.

One thing i understand about life is that people only love you because they had to. True love shit is ain't real. People who are in love either used to love their partner but the love is gone once you're in the relationship for more than few months, or they just had to force themselves to love their partner.

No one love someone else because they truly felt the love - its a lie.

Now i feel like i just wanna settle down, get married and have kids, even if i don't like that person. Because that's what people do. They settle down and get married. And i don't mind not being able to fall in love with my partner, because i know how love works. It sucks

[watch-me-disappear-into-thesun]

[ultrahopelessinsomniac29]

Clicking with a person. Non stop chatting. Sharing of memes. Laughing at lame shit. Slowly drifting away. Being forgotten.

[1800disaster98]

just got back from having dinner with my family. i was quiet the whole night. idk, i just dont feel like talking. next thing i know, im already in the car with my brother. well u see, my brother drives like a drunk guy. i used to be scared when he drive the car like shit. but not tonight. i was just hopping that maybe my brother can accidently made a mistake and we’ll be in a car crash? maybe. i was praying for it the whole night. wishing for something to happen.

but it didn’t. i arrived safely, and went straight to my room. i close the door and just sat in the dark for few good minutes before i open the notes to write this. i feel so unwanted for the past few days. everything is making me sad and lonely. i can’t stop thinking about the days where i let people ruin my life. permanently. am i gonna be like this for the rest of my life? one second i was okay, and the next thing i know im having a meltdown. its tiring. to be in a rollercoaster of emotions. im trying my best and pushing myself to fight this thoughts and all. but there are days where i feel like it’s nit worth fighting for.

[valentina-poem]

“She realized that she has stopped living life. She’s literally just trying to get to the next day, just living in the thought of tomorrow. She’s not living, she’s waiting. And the trouble is, she doesn’t know what she’s exactly waiting for. She’s kinda scared for what it might be.”

— The Poetic Boy

[musicisallofus-deactivated20221]

People don’t fall in love with me. They don’t fall in love with my smile, or my laugh, or my eyes. They just look at me and occasionally one person will come by and have fun kissing me. But that is all. No one falls in love with me. And that’s the way it will always be.

[ptsd-tiger]

“you can’t love anyone until you love yourself” ok but i literally cannot love myself until someone else loves me first and proves that i am lovable at all lmao

[mocha-latte]

What's the point of living if no one's ever going to love me?

[1800disaster98]

its not like im giving up on life. no, i never gibe up om anything. its just that sometimes, things got overwhelmed and i just needed a break. no no, not a vacation. more like a coma, a week at psych ward. something like that.

i dont think i hate this earth, i just hate those whonxreate this world because clearly that person wants me to suffer ao much in my life. people ask me, have u pray? have u talk to Him? have u open up the quran?

the answer is yes. yes i did. i believed in him for so many years- and i still am. but sometimes i have my own doubts, because clearly he never listens to my prayers. he never listen to me. and even if he does listen to it, why didn't he do something? he has the power to change me. but he never did.

am i just an experiment? am i just a doll living in his toy world? i don't know. but it feels like it.

[1800disaster98]

from a bright blue skies,

to a dark pitch black skies.

but between them, theres this one period of time where colors of the skies would change, a splash of the sun's color would dance around the skies, making the skies look orange, or sometimes red or even purple! the bright skies tries to blend in with the sun and the dark skies, before everything went black again. everyday, the color and the texture of the skies would change. and evey sunsets is beautiful. there’s no such thing as an ugly sunset — at the same time, there’s no such as an ugly life.

I could see the sun, tucked away behind those fluffy clouds, getting ready for bed. i could see that the sun is getting comfortable with the darkness around him, as for maybe he has the mindset of "tomorrow, the skies is gonna be bright again"

as the sun disappears, so do our problems of the day , and  as it reappears a brand new ,  it’s a new opportunity to become a better version of us.

And at the end of the day ,  we’re always given the chance to start over again.

To live for another sunset

[1800disaster98]

hidup tak teratur. makan tak kenyang. tidur tak lena. mandi hanya bila teringat. mata melekat di skrin phone selalu.

tak, bukan dilamun cinta. -- tapi sedang hanyut, terkapar sendirian dalam laut depressi.

aku penat. aku dah tak kuat macam dulu, macam 2 3 tahun lepas. aku dah penat hadap benda sama, aku penat melawan kata kata dalam otak sendiri. aku penat merayu agar badan boleh berfungsi seperti orang lain.

badan dah sakit. satu badan rasa macam dicucuk pisau. sengal sana sini. duduk salah baring salah. semuanya tak kena. otak celaru banyak sangat benda tengah fikir. banyak sangat benda nak kena fikir. nak kena selesaikan sorang sorang. aku penat. tenat dengan dunia yang seakan tlah melupakan aku.

apa aku tak penting? apa fungsi hidup aku kalau aku tak mampu nak lakukan apa apa.

aku penat ya rabb. sudah tiba masa untuk aku rehat. tolonglah aku merayu, bagi aku rehat.

[1800disaster98]

larilah sejauh mana pun

sesatlah jauh mana pun

tuhan tetap tunggu dibelakang kau

menunggu hari kau berlari

menuju dalam dakapanNya

[1800disaster98]

i just want the pain to stop. i just want to live, to be okay again. to not have thing to be worried about. but i couldn't stop thinking about how im gonna ended up killing myself one day. i know im gonna end my life on my own. i just don't know when.

[1800disaster98]

there's not a day pass by without me crying over things that's happening in my head.

last year, there's this one guy asked me "did u really cry everynight before going to bed?"

yes. yes i did. and for some reasons, i thought that i was normal. well, clearly im not.

i wish i could change myself, be a better version of me. but idk, it feels so impossible. im helpless. nothing can be changed at this point and the only way is to get out from this is by calling for the death. it's the only way i can use to escape from everything.

[tkpoet16]

[creatingnikki]

It's been a year. Did you know? A year since you saw me and I saw you. I don't mean literally. I mean in a way that matters. Why is being friends so hard? Why do I always want more? Why are you never enough? And there I have to stop myself. All three statements are false. We were friends and it was smooth and comfortable and lovely. I don't want more, I want the truth. It's not that you're not enough. It's just that I need to understand you in ways other than words. A no name relationship. Seems like I've only ever had those in my life. But when it comes to you and I, I know it's not a bad thing. It's just how we are. Us. Oori. Three languages. One heart. Not because you don't have one. But because in the moments I speak and you listen and understand and in moments you speak and I listen and understand...we are not separate. If I wanted to fictionalise this I would say...whatever souls are made of yours and mine are the same. But that's not true. And I think that's why we like each other. We like the parts in each other that we don't have. The similarities connect us on a superficial level. The differences connect us on a soulful level. I can already hear your voice in my mind saying, 'ney bajayo'. That means 'yes, that's right.' But of course you know that. You've known that and more for a year now. Time to learn new things? Time to continue being Oori in our own way?

[1800disaster98]

I still let myself get played by others. Why? because I know how it feels like to be alone, having no one by your side. So I let them use me for their own benefit, hoping that one day, maybe someone would do the same thing to me too. But i was wrong. Life is a competition, you let others used you, you lose. It’s just a simple math.