i lost myself

26 year old woman who's scattered. Trying to piece myself back together to the person I once knew. Work in progress. (rants/rambles and exploring my interests). cover photo and icon by bleu_capsicum on twitter

[the-evil-clergyman]

Walpurgis, from Jugend Magazine by Adolf Münzer (1909)

[oldpaintings]

The Wood Engraver, 1882 by Charles Frederick Ulrich (American, 1858–1908)

[1996glue]

I don’t want to time my replies around when you’ll be able to respond to me so I don’t feel ignored. I don’t want to feel like you respond to me so you are able to do what you want to do freely while being online. I want you to respond to me because you’re waiting for my reply. Because you’re so excited to talk to me. As I am to talk to you.. and only you. That just is never the case though.. you know what to do to keep me at bay. I don’t want to keep feeding into it anymore and taking your crumbs. Tired of doing that to myself.

[1996glue]

Why won't you do it for me? When all I do is for you?

I don’t like to feel annoying and ignored. Unfortunately, you make me feel that way. To be fair, I get in my own head and I overthink I know that. But it’s still a fact that you do ignore me.. 

I prioritize responding to you a bit too much. While you have made vast improvements in that regard, I still catch you ignoring me and prioritizing your own needs. I’m so upset that I can’t do the same with you. There are so many times that I respond to you when I didn’t want to and that’s on me. You respect your own needs and boundaries, I don’t. I will though.. till this dies. I need to be okay to be alone again. I get so weak with and around you. 

I ignore everyone but you. People who actually care so much for me. And while you do care for me as well, it will never be the same way they do.. Your love is never going to be enough. I know what I need to be stable and you are the complete opposite of that. You wreak havoc to my nervous system and emotional regulation. I want someone who loves me and only me.. You’re literally incapable of doing that. That may be the only the constant and true fact in our relationship. You’re not what I need.

Every time I set a boundary I destroy it for you. Because I love you and want to talk to you as much as I can. If you were close and I could, I’d spend all my time with you and only you.

I so badly want to feel your touch. Your chest hair against my face. Your fingers in my hair.. your kiss. Your breath that probably smells like shit from all the smoking. I’m so lucky that I don’t have any of these senses of you because I’d be way more fucked than I already am.

I love you and I want to stop. I’m too much of a pussy to walk away and face that emptiness though. It’d destroy me, I have nothing else (because of me). It’s not your fault, but you’re not good for me. I walk away from hard feelings. I don’t even want to think about what I’m writing right now.

[oldpaintings]

At the Window by Sir William Rothenstein (English, 1872–1945)

[1996glue]

I’ll say this here

because for once I don’t have anyone to tell this to.

I might be in love with you. I am. Not fully convinced but I know it. I had the craziest dreams about you when I woke up to check if you had replied and went back to sleep. Realizing I dreamt about you ruined my day. I don’t wanna need you like this.

[feral-ballad]

Grief is a cruel kind of education. You learn how ungentle mourning can be, how full of anger. You learn how glib condolences can feel. You learn how much grief is about language, the failure of language and the grasping for language.

Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, from Notes on Grief

[1996glue]

You make me feel annoying.

And the worst part is.. it’s not your fault. I hate facing that so much. You may be shitty at times but it is ultimately up to me.. my doing. My world comes crashing down when you become inconsistent or when it’s apparent you’re ignoring me.. I hate it. I’ve used you to numb myself entirely and when I can’t get a hit of you I crumble. I crash. The feelings are too much. I’m realizing that now and I can’t bear the possibility of feeling all those feelings after all this time.. facing the damage I’ve done to people around me. You didn’t cause that damage, it’s not your fault. It’s entirely up to me. And that thought sucks the life out of me. I know I should cut you out but I don’t know how.. it scares me so fucking much.

I haven’t felt this horrible in so long. The feeling that I don’t want to be here anymore and deal with all this. A fucking pussy. I don’t want life to get better. I just don’t want to feel like this.

I want my dad back.

[oldpaintings]

Charles Rollo Peters (American, 1862–1928)

[terminusantequem]

Cecily Brown (British, b. 1969), Black Painting I, 2003. Oil on linen, 203.2 x 228.6 cm

[1996glue]

flame twins? nah.

I know that there are things that he does only so I don’t become upset. And I know it’s things that he usually doesn’t know.. I know. As time went by I can see that this is the bare minimum and yes I’m grateful he does it for me because I asked for it but it’s not doing it for me anymore. I know exactly what I want and it’s much more than this.

I think he felt confident that when he does A & B I’m good to go. Tiny backup solutions and specific actions he knows to do to keep me around and satisfied. Now that I realize that, it makes me feel low maintenance. Which I am to a large degree yes but.. knowing I’m receiving the bare minimum because I expect it and not because he might want to actually talk to me sucks. I know for a fact he is not as excited to talk to me as much as I am excited to talk to him because I think he knows he has me under his wing regardless. I intend to show him I’m not guaranteed anymore and not as a lesson, regardless of how much I want it to be that way & to have it sting, but for me. I need peace.

I know backing away like this is just going to create more distance because he is an avoidant (funny enough me too but that’s another topic for another time) and will keep our conversations dead but I don’t mind. I intend on working on myself to be at peace with that.

[1996glue]

Detach

I don’t think he can stand me at the moment. I may have made him uncomfortable or I may have proved that I am not really worth being uncomfortable for. I also may be blowing things out of proportion (most likely case).

But this time last year, this would have lost me my appetite and my sleep, and now? I don’t care very much.. that’s just now though. Some time later I could be triggered and fall into that bit again. But I know and trust it’s never like it used to be any way and doesn’t last long. 

I have so much to say on this blog and I started it with him.. that’s okay though because I want to be as natural and true to myself as I could be. The truth is he has taken over my life and he’s really not to blame (entirely). 90% of the effort to undo this falls onto me. I’m excited for it right now because I’m not overwhelmed with dread when I think of a life without him. I’m looking forward to the peace and quiet.. even if they seem so dull. Because he truly did make life worth living the past year and a half.. for all the wrong reasons though.

I’m glad and lucky to be able to look back and reflect so objectively. I was truly unhinged and straight up delusional last year it’s hard to even remember myself like that. So proud that I am able to look back and know I need to change no matter how uncomfortable. 

Consider this a slow burn break up. Detach. Detach. Detach.

[reginaraishaun-deactivated20230]

Choose not to dwell on the unfortunate circumstances, but choose to look at the glass half full. You’ve been overcoming EVERY obstacle. You may not have it all now, but you’ll always figure out a way to get everything you need & anything your heart desires. Keep going.💕