[1dentifie]

#1DENTIFIE. independent + private writing blog [headcanon─heavy] for deacon from the fallout series. scrutinized [lovingly] by lis. other blogs: unlament, maidmyth. ♡

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[maidmyth]

. . . 🫂

hi lovely mutuals . this is just a small post to let you all know that i’m probably going to be very quiet for a while. grief & loss have no timeline, i know, & there are no ‘rules’ but i think i just need time to focus on keeping myself healthy as it’s navigated. not a full hiatus because i’ll check in every now & then (& need distractions) but please know i love u all very much & please hug your pets for me . i didn’t get the chance to do so before what happened so please hug them & press a lil kiss to their head

[deathgasmic]

i'm like a stray dog in a lot of ways but i will not elaborate on that

[1dentifie]

do i keep the pitch-black icon or try something different …..

[1defense]

" there's no middle ground, deacon. " nate claws at his face, pulling at the sweating skin with dirty fingertips. " he's ordered your deaths under no uncertain terms. you die and the institute is safe. that's how they see it. " should the railroad be flattered that they're seen as such a threat? nate argued for their lives as best he could, but he wasn't a man heavy on speeches. he was to give one the day the bombs fell as his first, how could it be that two hundred years (and more) were between that and his second? nora was better at this.

nora was better at everything.

" yeah they have a board but shaun's the one in charge, really. he makes the overall decisions. it feels more like advisory than letting them have any real power. " it isn't the way to do it, according to nate. he has always valued the input of those around him. the worth of a genuine and well-intentioned friend cannot be overstated. " but if I can convince him the railroad is gone , then you live. you live and when i'm in charge, you get to live without the fear of coursers. "

[1dentifie]

pity stirs its way through heart. into expression, too. eyelids close, deep inhale held then released. " alright, " simple word, simply said. sunglasses are put back into rightful place, settling 'pon bridge of nose & reflecting nearby lantern's light. " going quiet. that, i can work with. not sure how well dez is gonna take it, let alone carrington, but... " shoulders rise & fall in shrug. " they owe me big time for finding you, y'know. or, at least, finding you before the institute got to you first. they both thought i was abandoning them 'cuz i kept going to that vault. " voice lowers into pitch resembling carrington's usual: " deacon's out chasing ghosts again! i don't know why we still have him involved! blah, blah, blah. buddy, don't y'think i ask myself that too? geez. "

...anyways. " look, " palm outstretches to land on other man's shoulder for a pat. it's awkward, but it's the best he can do right now. " i'm, uh, not the huggin' type. but i really am sorry for what you're goin' through. we'll figure somethin' out. " he remains quiet for couple moments, then: " we gotta. the railroad, nate... they're good people. all of 'em. " [he doesn't include himself in the line—up.]

[1dentifie]

dude ..... tumblr ........ that's just deacon

[1defense]

what point would their deaths make? shaun speaks as a leader of his people. he gives orders that are not lightly made. his views are clinical. shaun sees the world in the blacks and whites of a bygone era. nate finds comfort in the shades of gray that surround him. he knew it before the war - that people could not be categorized. he knew that love and passion could not be contained. and when people have a love for a cause , they cannot be stopped, and that with even death, the martyr still carries the highest flag.

" have i been that kind of man, deacon? " the kind of man that kills without reason? has nate been so cruel that deacon - someone nate trusts to at least tell him the truth in the moments that matter - sees him capable of slaughter?

deacon's life is a canvas painted by his own lies. nate is never sure of what is real or what is fiction but he knows deacon to be a man who protects the innocent and to speak his mind when he feels strongly enough to do it.

" he's my boy, deacon. " the boy nate broke the world to reach. " i can change the way the institute operates in the commonwealth. he ... he made me his successor. "

how many FATHERS can say the same of their sons?

" i am the next director of the institute. when shaun .... dies .... "

[1dentifie]

oh. throat clears, fingers fiddling with sunglasses in lap. " that's, uh, " rare as a blue moon [is that the right pre—war phrase?] is this occurrence: the great deacon rendered speechless. no dry quips, no joke spun 'round, no evidence of usual sharp wit. " that's... yeah. " nails scratch 'neath jawline, five o' clock shadow lingering since recent razor had broken. " i had a feelin' that's how it was gonna end up but i didn't think it would be so... quick. he's just appointing you? like that? surely he's got opposition. a board or somethin'. "

perhaps the institute did not rely on trust: only blind obedience. oof, what a thought that was. free will as unattainable to members as to very synths created. no room for opinions; no space for insubordination. another sigh escapes. " alright. let me ask you this, then. what can we do to find a middle ground right now? doesn't have to last, doesn't have to be set in stone. just somethin' that we can both steady our feet on. "

[1dentifie]

deacon's the kind of guy that will lay down next to you on the concrete if you pass out / get knocked unconscious just so people think you two are chilling like in that scrubs episode . i just know it

[1dentifie]

one of my favorite (?) things about deacon is the fact that he lies at least 70–80% of the time (some half-truths sprinkled in there) yet hates being lied to … ? it makes him feel out of control & left out & uncomfortable. because for him, being safe (or at least somewhat safe) means knowing all there is to know about a person / place / situation. without that information, how can he keep others safe & aware? how can he prepare for future problems? how can he stay ready????

[1defense]

@1dentifie liked for a nate starter <3

" that isn't my son! " he knows he should not be shouting , but his darling boy , the child who laughed at rocket ships that flew above his crib , had asked his father to go to slaughter. nate did not carry the same beliefs as the railroad's members , but he did not see the point in their deaths. it was needless pain and he was having a hard time having desdemona understand. "deacon , please. if you can just shut everything down , just... for now. "

nate would not put a time frame on his son's death.

[1dentifie]

shut everything down? other’s desperate plea plays on repeat ‘round mind like broken record. fingers lace together as body leans back into barely—intact chair, sigh escaping in such a way that entire frame slides downwards; as if nate’s words cast a physical weight. finally, sunglasses are removed, placed in lap so gaze is visible — vulnerability rarely allowed by no one’s rules but his own, yet given at this moment. poor guy deserves it.

thus, hues shaded icy—blue stare with some mixture of pity & grief. not for himself, no: for the near—breakdown father that looks at him, the liar, as if he [of all people] has answers. in the railroad, sure… he’s in the inner circle, so to speak. ruffling feathers, acting on own plans, he barely belongs. the one odd variable, the outlier. yet desdemona sees him as needed enough, useful enough, so he remains: ideas are taken into account, secrets & intel helpful. but changing entire trajectory of decade—long mission?

" geez, how ironic, " scoff & chuckle intertwine, more huff of breath than actual word. no amusement lingers, though. head falls back ‘gainst back of seat, eye contact unable to be continued. " you do know who you’re talkin’ to, right? you think dez is gonna listen to me? hardly anyone does now. " [despite truth he does give when situations call for it.] " she puts up with a lot of my shit; actually listens & works it in sometimes. but this? "

silence follows question, heavy & uncomfortable. in only act of mercy that can be devised, gaze moves from ceiling to meet nate’s. " listen. i can’t shut everything down — that’s way above my pay grade & i don’t even get paid. but i could… i dunno, tell her what’s going on. maybe we can pause, think of somethin’. just — just tell me you’re not going to do that to us. " [please.]

[1dentifie]

rewatching supernatural season one … dean winchester gives such deacon vibes i cannot get over it . holy moly

[1dentifie]

helloooo 🫶 i hope u all have a lovely weekend <3

[1dentifie]

me: what if i added a zombie apocalypse verse? i’ve been playing a lot of project zomboid lately..

deacon, who is already in an apocalyptic world:

[1defense]

ᴡʜᴀᴛ ɪꜱ ʙᴇᴛᴛᴇʀ ? ᴛᴏ ʙᴇ ʙᴏʀɴ ɢᴏᴏᴅ ᴏʀ ᴛᴏ ᴏᴠᴇʀᴄᴏᴍᴇ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴇᴠɪʟ ɴᴀᴛᴜʀᴇ ᴛʜʀᴏᴜɢʜ ɢʀᴇᴀᴛ ᴇꜰꜰᴏʀᴛ ? -> ⌈ a writing blog for hadvar & lydia from tes | skyrim by holly. ⌉

[blankfaerie]

SILENT HILL 3 (2003)

[twinkhole-destroyer]

someone is putting up pictures of me around town and they all say I’m ‘wanted’. which is nice

[lovesinistra]