do i miss myself?

if i could choose my dream, i just wanna stay right next to you.

[wholeheartedsuggestions]

you can always start making a beautiful life for yourself even if you’ve lost some years to grief. your entire life does not need to be a perfect story, and it always doesn’t have to be only good or only bad. it’s gotta be a lot of both.

[1ovegf]

Also it's kind of fucking wack to come on here, where this was my escape and all I would do is fangirl and adore BTS and now I look at my last several posts, and they are just some of the most devastating things ever. I know I still have a considerable amount of followers, but i don't know who all is around anymore and I know many skip long posts - which i get and don't blame - it's just wild. Who would have known (not me!) That this would literally be my diary of grieving a life and person I once knew for a new and entirely different and twisted version of myself. Anyway, my daughter IS the best thing to happen to me. I've never loved anything more as i do as i do being a mom. She is my everything, and I hers.

[1ovegf]

I'm sat in our new-ish apartment, nice warm bed, my daughter is asleep after fighting naps all day, waiting on my husband to come home so I can cook breakfast for dinner. I'm currently sipping on a glass of wine and taste tested a bourbon i bought myself after wanting to try it for years. I'm 28 and things are, by all standards and on paper, good. It's my grandma's birthday; she would have been 83 today.

It's also coming up to tuesday and that will be a week exactly since I found out my husband, not physically, but emotionally stepped out on me. It started in November, specifically a week and some change before my birthday, and i told him not to do it because I just knew. Especially with whom it was and their history. Last week I got this impending doom feeling and couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong. No matter what, i knew. So I, when we had been drinking and he fell asleep and I was putting our daughter back to sleep (he helps always, I just wanted to do it alone this night specifically because i'm having the baby blues and crave the sweetness of those newborn nights) went through his phone. It wasn't anything explicit but it doesnt need to be lewd and explicit to be overstepping my boundaries and doing something that he knows is wrong and would hurt me. It's that he did it, yes. But more than anything, its that I told him, "you and I both know how you get with her, just dont let anything happen" and he said he wouldnt. Because it had only been a month since my dad died, and i couldn't handle another thing. But it happened and here I am.

I love this man so dearly. My chest and whole body ACHES because I love him so much. And this.. this hurts and I am defeated. I feel like a party balloon filled with helium thats been floating far past its expiration date and i'm finally, surly but slowly deflating. I should leave before I get hurt again, but the problem lies with the fact that I quite literally can't. So thats my hurt to carry and the actions of my own decisions if I stay and god forbid anything happens again. It's ridiculous, pathetic even. My grandma would be ashamed of me, my dad would want to murder him.

I can chalk it up to i'm not as interesting anymore, I've let myself go, I've been too depressing (which an ex told me years ago that i was to depressed to love, while taking care of my terminally ill grandma, so thats stuck with me) but the truth is; I am a stay at home mom who keeps the house in order and running, cooking, cleaning, making bottles and everything in between WHILE still grieving my dad who was my best friend and only stable parent growing up, who will be gone 4 months on February 9th.

And he, my husband, is a damn good dad. What he has done is purely from lust and boredom within our marriage. Maybe, honestly, even the burden of having ti have been the one to tell me about my dad. Whatever it may be, he has never flustered when it came to our daughter.

Oh, and my period is late. One app says a week, two others by a day. I'm waiting foe that 3rd shoe to drop.

[1ovegf]

I'm sat in our new-ish apartment, nice warm bed, my daughter is asleep after fighting naps all day, waiting on my husband to come home so I can cook breakfast for dinner. I'm currently sipping on a glass of wine and taste tested a bourbon i bought myself after wanting to try it for years. I'm 28 and things are, by all standards and on paper, good. It's my grandma's birthday; she would have been 83 today.

It's also coming up to tuesday and that will be a week exactly since I found out my husband, not physically, but emotionally stepped out on me. It started in November, specifically a week and some change before my birthday, and i told him not to do it because I just knew. Especially with whom it was and their history. Last week I got this impending doom feeling and couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong. No matter what, i knew. So I, when we had been drinking and he fell asleep and I was putting our daughter back to sleep (he helps always, I just wanted to do it alone this night specifically because i'm having the baby blues and crave the sweetness of those newborn nights) went through his phone. It wasn't anything explicit but it doesnt need to be lewd and explicit to be overstepping my boundaries and doing something that he knows is wrong and would hurt me. It's that he did it, yes. But more than anything, its that I told him, "you and I both know how you get with her, just dont let anything happen" and he said he wouldnt. Because it had only been a month since my dad died, and i couldn't handle another thing. But it happened and here I am.

I love this man so dearly. My chest and whole body ACHES because I love him so much. And this.. this hurts and I am defeated. I feel like a party balloon filled with helium thats been floating far past its expiration date and i'm finally, surly but slowly deflating. I should leave before I get hurt again, but the problem lies with the fact that I quite literally can't. So thats my hurt to carry and the actions of my own decisions if I stay and god forbid anything happens again. It's ridiculous, pathetic even. My grandma would be ashamed of me, my dad would want to murder him.

I can chalk it up to i'm not as interesting anymore, I've let myself go, I've been too depressing (which an ex told me years ago that i was to depressed to love, while taking care of my terminally ill grandma, so thats stuck with me) but the truth is; I am a stay at home mom who keeps the house in order and running, cooking, cleaning, making bottles and everything in between WHILE still grieving my dad who was my best friend and only stable parent growing up, who will be gone 4 months on February 9th.

And he, my husband, is a damn good dad. What he has done is purely from lust and boredom within our marriage. Maybe, honestly, even the burden of having to have been the one to tell me about my dad. Whatever it may be, he has never flaulterd when it came to our daughter.

Oh, and my period is late. One app says a week, two others by a day. I'm waiting for that 3rd shoe to drop.

[1ovegf]

It's my first birthday as a mom and my first birthday without my dad. I'm 28 today and I feel like I don't know who I am anymore or who I was this day last year. Days blur into nights, lots of diapers, bottles and tears (the latter from both my girl and I) and its both the worst and best time of my life. She's asleep now in my lap and I'm in an adult diaper because as life would have it, on my period. Funny enough, I was on my period for my birthday last year too. My husband got me a cake this morning and got my age wrong on the cake, which is fine and funny because things happen and it was very last minute before he had to leave for work. So, I'll just sit here and wait for 10:30 to come around so I'm not alone and can finally have a piece of cake with him.

[1ovegf]

April: our truck got stolen. May: My family had to get rid of my grandma's house that I was raised in. Jume; my husband's childhood dog had to be put down. September: my daughter was born (best thing to happen in my life / this year). October: my dad died. November: told we need to start looking for a new place by mid December.

I'm so exhausted with this year. I really really need something else good to happen. Hoping snd praying that come January we will be able to buy our own home so we can finally breathe and lay down without worrying. Cause I REALLY don't think I can handle more things going wrong.

9 days until my birthday and I need sleep.

[1ovegf]

I just don't understand how i saw my dad for the last time and not even 15 hours later he was dead. He met his first grandbaby for the first and last time. I told him I would see him later and that maybe next time we visit she will open her eyes for him. He sent me $25 for gas on the way home. My daughter won't get to experince how goofy her grandpa was. He'll miss all her firsts and the rest of her life. He'll miss a lot of my firsts as a first time mom. My younger sister and brother wont get that as well with their future children. And now he's just dead in some morgue. My younger siblings and I have to plan a funeral because he wasn't legally married to their mom. My husband went back to work tonight after taking yesterday off to be with me and i'm spiraling. I just want so badly for all of this to be a sick joke.

[1ovegf]

My dad died very unexpectedly and suddenly. We just saw him yesterday and took the baby for him to meet her. My husband came home from work early because he was told before me. He wont get to watch ny daughter grow up and she is only a week old. I dont know what to do.

[1ovegf]

I had my daughter last monday and my husband just left for work again since before having her and i am an absolute wreck. Don't get me wrong, I can handle her on my own, I just miss him and it feels too soon for him to have to go back. His job fucking sucks for not having paternity leave. He gets off at 4 am and ill likely be up but im a WRECK.

[1ovegf]

Tomorrow is my due date and i'm still VERY pregnant 😭 everything hurts and there's no sign of her deciding it's her time to shine. I've done everything to get this baby out; working out, curb walking, sex, relaxing - EVERYTHING. And I still had to schedule an induction date for Sunday & ill be 40 weeks and 4 days - that is if she doesnt decide to come on her own before then. And it doesnt help that ive had covid the last 5 days either, so my body is extra stressed out too. Im so ready to meet my girl lmao i'm so tired and sore

[1ovegf]

I miss my husband and I feel like he's gone off to a far away land and will never come home (he's at work and gets off in two and a half hours & my pregnancy hormones can't tell the difference between that and being abandoned)

[1ovegf]

I literally have 7 weeks left until I'm pushing a baby out. SEVEN WEEKS. I start my weekly appointments this Thursday and my baby shower is on the 23rd aka a month to the day exactly until my due date.

I haven't been paid yet for watching my besties son, and i'm watching him tomorrow on what should be my off day while she goes to a concert - which, don't get me wrong, i love him and would (and i have) watch him for free BUT I need to make extra money so I can start to buy things for myself that i need, since my fiancé literally pays for everything else. I just dont want to have to remind her of her end of the deal, because I feel like it's rude since we literally live together for the time being. But it ain't easy chasing a toddler around from 5am to 5pm while being 8 months pregnant in the dead heat of Texas summer 😭

Not the mention, i'm going to be watching him after I have my daughter. (Her fiance is still in school and stays on campus during the semester, and his parents are older so it makes sense someone like me watches him) idk I'm so overwhelmed. I know i can do it, I am doing it all, but ya girl just needs help. With what, I have no earthly idea 😭

[rjshope]

i think this is my favorite kind of aegyo now😈

[1ovegf]

I've always admired pregnant people who have toddlers bc you gotta be a super hero to survive the chaos, but now that *I'm* the pregnant one taking care of a toddler, i'm getting my ass beat by exhaustion 😭

[1ovegf]

you’re not gonna fail. just b3cause your struggling doesn’t mean your failing. Life gets hard but you’re already being a great mom thinking caring of her. you’re facing life’s challenges and you’re still here, doing the best you can one day at a time. and the best thing you can do for her now, is just continue to take care of yourself. that’s enough. you are enough ♡

Oh my goodness, here comes the tears again. I try to remind myself every chance I get throughout the day that I am doing my best, sometimes it just gets hard. But i'm very proud of myself for continuing to push through. Thank you for this, sincerely 🥺

[1ovegf]

I just need to vent bc ibhave no where to ramble where my family and boyfriend wont see.

I knew pregnancy wouldn't be easy, at least not mentally and emotionally. Physically, it has been smooth, baby girl is healthy and right on track; the due date is still September 23rd. I've had a few hiccups (my teeth) but other than that, it has gone swimmingly. But mentally? I am so drained.

In April, my boyfriend's truck got stolen. Two weeks after that, I was informed that my childhood home was being sold, so I was essentially homeless and staying with my sister. Then my sister, not making good choices with her money, needed my boyfriend and I to pay over a thousand dollars for rent. If it weren't for the fact he had just paid WELL over 3k to get his truck back and have it worked on, we would have been able to pay it. But, alas, we couldn't, and had to move AGAIN. Now, we are staying with my childhood best friend, and honestly, it works out better than what it would have if we stayed at my sisters. My best friend needed help watching her son while she works, and I'm going to be a stay at home mom anyway, so watching my god son is a cake walk and just makes sense.

I am with physically and mentally drained and I've spent the majority of my days and nights crying. And I feel so awful about it, because I don't want my baby girl to feel any of my stress and sadness. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love being pregnant and I'm so incredibly lucky that my pregnancy has been smooth sailing. I'm just a giant mess. And I know it'll only be more hectic when she gets here, but it'll be worth it. I have a great support system, too.

I just hope I don't fail as a mom.

[hobipowers]

3 years since...🥹