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Where I come to meet Me

[puppun]

UNTETHERED

Inspired by a dream that took me on a flight through our Solar System – leaving me entirely unimpressed by its beauty.

[1stmeetingme]

I want to think someone is hot

[1stmeetingme]

I spent 7 years thinking about what I did wrong, how I could have changed things. 7 years to blame myself. How long will it take to fully accept that it was not my fault?

[1stmeetingme]

I try to forgive

To let go

But you dont see how hard it is

Because I know you arent sorry

I know you have no remorse

Because I still have nightmares

Of the phone calls and messages

And interviews 

And disappointment

That continue to this day

Though the years have passed

My body remembers

What my mind has forced out

to stop the fear

to sleep at night

I have been able to sleep

No longer on high alert

not fearing every phone call

Not looking around every corner

I still don't want to see you

I still will never speak to you

I still believe that you are cruel beyond humanity

Yet I am learning to let go

Learning to heal

Not for you, but for myeslf.

[1stmeetingme]

Therapy

it wasn't my fault

I've started working with my therapist to form a better self image. We started by reframing the self-blame that has been my go-to in every conflict for the last 20+ years. With less than 5 minutes left in the session, I finally realized that the actions of an ex-friend from high school were not my fault.

I was 15. I agreed to one date. I chose not to pursue it further. I was honest about it. Because I was honest, because I did not reciprocate the feelings, My high school social life became obliterated. My friends, manipulated into not speaking to me. I let myself be the villian in her story because it was not worth it to fight. She did not handle rejection well and lashed out, but her retaliation to my honesty was not an appropriate reaction and it was not my fault.

[1stmeetingme]

I just want to fall in love with my life

[inaloversquarrel]

!

[softytothecore]

[jairus666]

[1stmeetingme]

This is how my brain feels every day

[1stmeetingme]

God I just want to be so openly desired and attractive and lusted over

[1stmeetingme]

Realized today that one day- in the closer-than-I-want future, I will have to call my boss crying that I can’t come in because my dog dies. 😭

[ink-and-oceans]

“Are we just friends if it’s your breath on my neck late at night or if it’s our laced fingers beneath your covers? How tightly do we need to be pressed against each other before you admit that you aren’t doing this for warmth? How many times does your thumb need to brush my lips before we realize that we’ve gone too far?”

— tara love / this. this is too far.

[1stmeetingme]

Someone who would play crib with me while camping

[1stmeetingme]

Currently wondering if someone will ever tear up looking at my bones, dissecting my life through the unseen supports (as it happens in bones by dr temperance Brennan)

Will they notice the break in my middle finger from playing flag football in high school?

Will they see the joints that pop in and out, sometimes forced as a party trick, sometimes so excruciating and constant I can’t sleep?

Will they see the break on my arm from when I was a little girl and fell off the playground?

Will they see the bones the creaked and cracked, and the little girl Attatched to them?

Or will they see cold, sterile. Would they see ‘just another day in the office’?

When I am human no more, will I still be awarded my humanity?

[1stmeetingme]

Had a dram about my ex-

We ran into each other in a store, said an awkward hello, talked a little bit, agreed to hang out.

After a day of hanging out I cried because I wanted to badly to tell her I loved her but I knew I couldn’t

[1stmeetingme]

I love the idea that broadway actors are just adult theatre nerds

[1stmeetingme]

Rating songs while st0ned

Feels like a bright, warm film montage of you and your lover prancing through hilly meadows and ending with you both in the grass staring at each other and smiling with how in love you are