two thousand eighteen: a memoir

an ever-developing story.

[2018memoir-blog]

song of the day: fare thee well by rob benedict

[2018memoir-blog]

friday, march 23rd

today was a lot of fun. i had breakfast with my cousins and my siblings and we were all laughing the whole time. we went bowling at this super cool bowling alley and had lunch there. after that, we went to the park and played for hours. it was nice to let them get some energy out. when we came home, we all helped make dinner and my uncle got home in time to eat dinner with us. he doesn't get to eat dinner with his girls much because he's a surgeon, but when he does it's really exciting for everyone involved.

emotionally, today has been rough. i mean this month has been rough. it feels like i can't recharge or be generally happy anymore like no matter what i do. i mean sure, there are moments where i'm happy but i always revert back to being sad. i mean not even sad, just empty. like i'm nothing. it sucks when everything is working for you to help you get better and you aren't. i feel like i'm making everyone around me worse. i'm tempted to stop communicating with all of my friends right now but i can't do that. what if one of them needs me and i'm not there for them?

i think it's bad to not care about your improvement. like, at this point, i don't care if i get better or not. i want people to stop worrying about me or putting effort into helping me. i just don't want to inconvenience anybody anymore.

i'm mostly worried about my directors and my teachers. (i know that's dumb) i mean at least some of them are worried about me and i hate that. i just wish i could convince them everything is okay even if it's not. i mean, same with my friends.

best,

me.

[2018memoir-blog]

song of the day: like real people do by hozier

[2018memoir-blog]

thursday, march 22nd

today was rough. it was exciting because of the things i got to do. i came to dallas, i got a new book, i helped pick out a dog, and so much else. but god the emotional strain wad awful today. i mean i'm anxious about my chemistry grade, i'm nervous about state contest, i miss my friends, and i lowkey miss my ex even though it was an abusive relationship and i know that.

i'm having a lot of memories come back from last year. during the musical i met some of my best friends but also had some of the worst days. on the choir trip i literally reoriented my whole life plans but also got a rumor started that i had sex on the elevator at great wolf lodge.

i have a lot of thoughts but i know trying to articulate them would end badly.

best,

me.

[2018memoir-blog]

song of the day: everybody wants to rule the world by tears for fears

[2018memoir-blog]

wednesday, march 21st

today i got my final wires for my braces. they hurt like hell but i'm excited. it took three people to get my lower wire in though because it was such a big change and is stainless steel.

tomorrow morning we're going to dallas! i haven't packed at all but i'm so excited! my little cousins are so excited to see me and i've been missing them since december.

i still have a ton to clean on my room but i don't have time to do it before we leave, which is disappointing. it's mostly just going through stuff now though.

i have so many books i want to read this weekend. i also have to start war and peace for english. (disgusting) i used to be able to read in cars but now it makes me motion sick. oh well. i'm hoping for the best.

along with this journal thing, i've decided to have a memory box too! it's full of choir programs, playbills, tickets from museums, etc. i love remembering the past so much and the thought that there will be periods of time that i won't remember but other people remember is terrifying to me. i'm just trying to keep everything in my brain for as long as possible.

that's proving to be harder than expected.

best,

me.

[2018memoir-blog]

song of the day: holding to the ground by stephanie j. block

[2018memoir-blog]

tuesday, march 20th

do you ever have days where you feel like you're not doing enough? i am spending most of the day cleaning and organizing but it still feels like i should be doing something more productive.

i actually got a lot of my room done. i did a lot of laundry and got all of my non-clothes things together to go through. it doesn't look like a lot but it takes so much effort for me to tidy and organize that i'm exhausted.

this evening, some of my best friends and i are getting together to play board games and i'm honestly too excited about it. because my parents are so strict, it's hard for them to let me go to school-affiliated activities, much less hanging out with my friends not doing school work. little victories.

tonight was great. we played a bunch of games and it was so much fun. honestly i wish i could be around them all the time. the only sad thing is that it's my friend's birthday and i have no idea what to do for him. i'm so stressed because i just want him to know how great he is. UGH

best,

me.

[2018memoir-blog]

song of the day: everything will be alright by the killers

[2018memoir-blog]

monday, march 19th

today I took my written test for my permit. it was much easier than I expected. my best friend also took her driving test for her license today and passed, which makes me happy.

other than that, today has been a mess. i was a wreck this afternoon when my dad tried to get me to drive (at the cemetery of all places), it's too windy to ride my bike, and it's spring break, meaning my boredom isn't even stressed boredom. it's empty boredom. obviously i miss my classes, but it's nice to get a break. mostly i miss choir and theatre. choir is my passion and the thing i love doing most, and it's always rough when we don't have it.

i'm looking forward to this weekend, though. i'm going to dallas to see my cousins and my aunt and uncle. i haven't seen them since christmas, so this is really exciting.

next week i have two choir events that i'm excited about. monday we have an event where our high school and middle school choirs perform for each other and then at the end we sight read together. it's always wonderful to see the middle schoolers get so excited to be a part of this program. we also have state contest next wednesday, which i'm worried about. we've worked on this literature so long it's almost pathetic how many errors we still have, but i'm anxious to exhibit such an emotional product. i'm honestly really proud despite all of the mistakes.

this evening, my dad told my five year old brother that he couldn't paint his nails because that was a "girl" thing to do and that it was bad enough he's in dance classes. i almost went crazy about why it's okay for my sister to play soccer but not okay for my brother to love ballet. i'm honestly so angry but he wouldn't change his opinion anyways.

oh well. i don't really have anything else to say.

farewell.

best,

me.