Tryin to keep it all together

[2327thoughts]

Nathan - do without my love

Werid sort of mood tonight 23:16 to be presise , early a month into my new job busy but I’m still swimming .... had a disappointing experience yesterday and I’m just like *huffs* none of these are what I want ( sometimes ) nor what I need but I still keep going back ... the attention perhaps ? Who knows but what can i say the one I want currently seems to be ignoring me of some sorts I think ? Meh part of me is just like I should just be focusing on my work but where is the fun in being 25 and alone I believe there is a learning lesson to come from all this not quite sure what yet but there is something ... perhaps self worth ? But I shall pray on it

[2327thoughts]

These are the friends I prayed for 💡

Just feeling an emotional I can’t even describe and the first thing one of my friends asks if I need to pray .. then sends me a verse honestly just can’t even express right now 😭

[2327thoughts]

Also

On another note perhaps some of this headache is because of my uncertainty I’ve beeen say at home literally doing nothing since I got back from holiday and career options seem to be dwindling ..... I’m a little well a lot anxious but my greater overall mood is unbothered and I don’t know if that is more concerning then anything ...

I know everyone makes a point about being care free and unbothered but I feel nothing completing my masters and getting an interview and I at least thought I would have had a little tear of joy but nope parents genuinely seemed more excited then me .

I don’t know if I’m in some type of funk or if some of the negativity that I’m constantly hearing is starting to bother me but let’s emrbrase resisliance and the ability to bounce back .

[2327thoughts]

Well feelings it’s been a while

I think the feeling right know is kind of guilt knowing I’ve done something slightly out of order that may have offended someone . Then there very well could be over reacting and the situation hasn’t changed to a person at all .

Either way I’ve got a little headache and i don’t want to feel bad . Praaaay about it and hopefully get a good nights sleep . But most importantly embrace honestly and hope for the best

[2327thoughts]

Would really love someone to vent to ☹️☹️

[2327thoughts]

June 30th 2018

So tomorrow is the 7th month of the year for the past 6 months I have been waiting for this day my 6th month placement is completed and my sister has completed her chemotherapy. I feel like I’m in a transition period and I can’t quite put my fingers on it but there is a sense of joy .

I’m leaving my job with no plan b and the uncertainty seems strange but i think it’s required for some growth

I hope July and forever more brings great things ... Great opportunities, happiness, success , love and so much much more .

Here’s to overcoming insecurities and all the great things to come 1st July be good to me ❤️

[2327thoughts]

And here were are

So ... how life comes at you in ways you didn’t expect ? Someone from my past a lovely lovely someone with ambition and lots of other positives I suppose has emerged and I’m sat here wondering where this will go if anywhere ?

[2327thoughts]

Wooo my head feels heavy tonight

Guess my this is one of the waves that comes with life , things are going good for the most placement has started and is going okay everyone seems nice and I’m progressing , passed all my uni assignments , sister is doing well health wise thank you god ! But this vitaligo has come back with a new spot well the spot came up nearly a year ago went away and has come back with a vengeance I think it’s the unpredictable change that is bothering me that fact that again I have no control and I’m feeling so self conscious and it’s becoming norm to have my hand over my mouth . Mum noticed it today and I think that got my back up a little because if she can see it the whole world can 🙂🙂 it’s hard and I’m a little all up in my feelings tonight , this along side realising how hard the profession I’ve chosen is ... not that I had one to begin with but the work life balance is non existent I literally go to placement come home 5 days straight then work on the weekends it’s not terrible but it’s a lot 7 days a week whelp it won’t last forever right . Having little time to talk to anyone because I’m feeling highly anti and spent most of my time in my room alone and then you start wondering about the future and If this is basically what the rest of my life will be like and it makes me sad . Today the thought came into my mind about disregarding having children which I really don’t want I love children and have always seen my self as being a mother married with family you know but I don’t know with the way I feel now could I bring a child into the world possible knowing they may end up with this same skin condition a little selfish ? I don’t know I really don’t know god help please 🤣 but I know nothing happens before it’s time and I really shouldn’t have this negative self image or be worrying about the future because as I worry there is already a plan ... I just pray for the self confidence that this vitaligo spot goes away because I’m struggling ... break through is needed

[2327thoughts]

So we’ve reached another mile stone today before I start my 6 month final placement I feel physically sick don’t know if I’ve eaten something or if it’s nerves manifesting but wooo I’m scared nervous and I just hope the 6 months fly by but I suppose regardless his is what real life in this career path will be like so I better get used to it or find an alternative very quickly . I continue to pray everyday that this placement will go well I pray for the health of my family , my health and healing from this vitaligo , success and so much more i feel like 2018 might just be a turning point I’m learning to detach and I’m so relieved hope that continues and I’m sure that I will encounter my husband soon well I hope so but it’s taught me a few valuable lessons and it’s only January so who knows what the rest of the year will bring so here’s to an amazing placement being able learn lots balance stress and enjoy life 24 next month and I pray it will be the best year yet !

[2327thoughts]

Another episode of the flu

Well it’s the 29th December 2017 nearly the end of the year and this year ha sheen , well I can’t quite think of a word to describe this year if I’m being honest there has been ups and downs emotionally physically mentally everything but right now I don’t know I think it’s a bit of a down however I find my self praying more than ever so things will get better

“ the battle is not yours it’s the lords “

I pray that 2018 is better point blank period , I pray for my sisters health and recovery I pray for my family , I hope we continue to get closer and love one another unconditionally .

For my self well ... I pray for my health too I feel like I’m experiencing a transition I probably say this often but things are changing with my health and this Vitaligo spreading I really need to change something so I hope that I can make a change and get things better I feel like this change will be diet wise so i started today with the green smoothies and juice and I pray I can be consistent and see change throughout this year , I pray that I can manage whatever stress may come my way and not take it on board this year has truly been the year that I’ve fully understood the worry about your self concept and at the end of the day I can only control my own actions .. just hope i remember that

I pray for my education , lately my grades have been fluctuating so I pray his last assignment will be my best yet I need to put in effort to ensure success I pray that I exceed my own an expectations and pass with flying colours ! An amazing second placement please god ! Graduation is not that far away and I hope 2018 blesses me with a job and many opportunities to travel and see more of this world while I’m young , hope to be fearless and venture regardless not letting the opinions of others scare me !

I pray that my faith only gets stronger this year , I pray for self love and relationships I hope this is the year my husband will come into my life if he is not present already I feel like I’m starting to realise my worth and how I should be treated and hopefully I’ll have the courage to act upon this and take a leap when I know that i deserve better

I’m sure 2018 will be a good year I pray and speak it into existence I fact it will be an amazing year all those meaningful friendships and relationships that are suppose to remain will stay strong and continue to evolve

To 2018 , to health , achievement beyond my wildest dreams , love , and so so much more greatness 🙌🏾

[2327thoughts]

Manifesting

So I tried this earlier and this is my second attempt , the thought process of manifesting and speaking things into existence aswell as praying about them do something for me ... I’m not quite sure what but it does something so it’s October now not long until the year is up where has the time gone 😭 but yes things that I would like to achieve and work towards

Excelling in my education beyond my wildest dreams , amazing second placement , great family bonds , Graduating with a high level masters , Love ; my self and others , official relationship , weight loss , recovering from vitaligo , great health , great solid friendships , more travel lots more perhaps even solo , being financially stable and having substantial savings , home of my own , happiness , stress free existence , get back to being a positive person !

[2327thoughts]

01:27

So after a long day at work where challenging is a nice way of putting it I have come home and I'm feeling so down and I don't know why ... I'm near the end of my course passed everything thus far and god willing i will contribute to excel ... I think my face and insecurities are starting to bother me things changing and being out of my control literally being unable to do nothing is getting hard being conscious about so many thing by the stressing is actually pointless being sick the past week was also another bummer I felt very relaxed and realised how tired I've been but I felt all fresh and rejuvenate but two days back at work and I think I've taken 10 steps back I think the work environment in general is starting to get to me and again causing me more worry so I need to find this balance because my health sanity and most importantly my sanity must come first honestly i could probaly cry right now ... the added addition of feeling like I don't have anyone to talk to i know who's name is like to pop up on this screen but I don't think I'll be the one to initiate I just hope I stick with that and won't give in like I usually do ah well hopefully i can pray then have a good nights sleep ready for work 😩 I really do wonder what little memories i am going to have of these years but again oh well let me be optimistic about tomorrow firstly and surly everything else will follow 🙌🏾

[2327thoughts]

19th match 2017

Two of my childhood friends have gotten married this month and I'm truly contemplating life the future what do I really want like 🙄😬 it's all a bit much you know ? It's over whelming to watch so I can't really imagine living it and I'm just here complaining about being too fat and what not when there are real life things going on in the world ... but I got called beautiful today so 😳

[2327thoughts]

Postive affirmations for the week

I will complete this placement application form tomorrow and send it off and I will have an amazing first placement I will also finish my law assignment before I got back to work on Friday and it will be great I will learn and do wonderful things .... I will welcome love and friendship but most of all happiness this week will be great I will get enough sleep and finish unpacking my room I will not worry about my finances and I will succeed in every positive thing I do ... lately I feel as though I have been losing that nice person that everyone knew and it's not a good thing god please help me hold on to that person ...

[2327thoughts]

4 days into the new year ..

so im sitting here attempting this assignment which is due in a few days and i keep checking my phone every so many minutes .. when did i become this person who wants or even needs the attention of others since when ??? i feel ashamed that a conversation can have me feeling like this perhaps its the attention that I'm not used to but really .. can i just continue working on my self and learn to love my self without depending on anyone else because the people being depended on are clearly not worthy so why am i bothered why am i distracted lol well perhaps its that yearly reflection that occurs near my birthday which is a month and two days away .. something which i can't quite believe and find slightly scary but yeah I've developed a whole lot in the past year done things i would never have imagined this time last year and achieved things that i know i should be proud about .. i just hope i can continue to develop and love my self continue to lose this weight and please god help me to gravitate towards good people who only have the best intentions for me and here it is the brain wave moment I've been praying about that for a while and is that why I'm getting aired ?hmm well this has left me with something to ponder perhaps this is good escape and a way for me to focus on what is important  my family  , my education , and self growth i will become the person who I've always wanted to be flat tummy beautiful smile vitaligo free and most importantly worthy and too much more positive things beyond my wildest dreams and expectations  ... this year learn to love your self 

amen .x 

[2327thoughts]

Spent yesterday motivating and telling people how much I appreciate them and a day later I'm feeling like shit ... perhaps it's just life or me throwing a tantrum because I'm not getting the response I require or I could just be having an internal tantrum meh

[thequotejournals]

Never apologize for burning too brightly or collapsing into yourself every night. That is how galaxies are made.

Tyler Kent White  (via thequotejournals)