Dear Office Bully

[27lilith-blog]

What changed my life

Most of my entries will be about a real life bully that I have been dealing with in my workplace. I am currently trying to make steps towards making sure this doesn't happen anymore. I know it will be a long process, but I am hopeful that something will be done. I am not planning on leaving my job because I actually like it but it's difficult to enjoy a job when you're the target of bullying. Bullying isn't just something that happens in school. Bullying happens in the workplace, on the streets, basically everywhere. It's unfortunate, i know. I, just as much as anyone else, wishes people like this didn't exist or that people were kinder to each other. It's a big dream, I am aware; but I believe if you show kindness to someone they, in return, will show someone else kindness. Kind of like that movie Pay It Forward. Which by the way, is a fantastic movie. I highly recommend watching it. There is one thing that I keep referring back to when things aren't going my way in life or I find myself being down for a few days. The first time I heard about this, it changed my life and I look at the world a lot differently now. I heard of it before but it wasn't ever something I was interested in because I knew nothing about it. One day I was just sitting at home looking for something to watch on Netflix and it popped up "The Secret". It caught my attention because who doesn't like secrets, am I right? I turned it on and immediately I was intrigued. It spoke of your thoughts becoming things and if you think you have already have achieved something that it will become a reality. I remember one part of the movie where it says to picture yourself in the front seat of your brand new vehicle, with your hands on the steering wheel. So I sat there on my couch pretending to hold the steering wheel of my brand new vehicle and i was at ease. At the time I had watched this I was out of a job for about a week or so and I was worried about being able to pay my bills at the end of the month. I had sent out so many resumes and I had not received any call backs for interviews, I was frustrated. After I finished watching the secret I started to relax. I knew I was going to be okay and I would find a job and be able to pay my bills with no issues. A few days later I received a call from my former boss who told me that he knew someone who was looking to hire someone in the same type of field I was previously working in, all he was waiting for was him to return home from a trip him and his wife went on, which he has returned from that day. He told me he had ranted and raved about what a model employee I was and gave me his information. About a hour later I received a text message from this person to set up an interview. Once I arrived, I walked in and he introduced himself and his wife and they brought me into his office where he proceeded to tell me about the job they were hiring for and to ask me some basic questions. About half hour goes by and he looks at me and asks me if I can start right then and there. I was thrilled! I remember what day it was because I wanted to go and vote. So I responded, Sure! Can I go vote first and come back? Of course, he said. So I went to vote and came back. After a few days of working I decided to give what I learned a try. I pictured my first pay cheque from the company I was now working for and I was convinced it was going to be exactly this much. When I got my pay cheque I was pleasantly surprised that my pay cheque was about $500 more than I thought! I was so incredibly happy! I was not only going to be able to pay my bills, but have money left over for groceries and more! After a couple months working for this company I get a text from my brother and a picture of a vehicle telling me I should check it out. I wasn't even looking for a vehicle. There was nothing wrong with mine but I thought alright, why not? My brother had just bought a vehicle from this dealership and he was very happy with it. I should probably add that if my brother recommends something to me 99% of the time I will check it out because I trust my brother. So I call my dad up and tell him there is a vehicle that I want to check out and I want him to come with me to test drive it. Long story short, I bought it. A brand new vehicle! After only 2 months of working my new job! I was so used to not being able to afford anything and living pay cheque to pay cheque with my last job of 4 years! Now I know what you're thinking. If you are someone I know personally and you're reading this you're probably laughing at me. For those of you who don't know me, I always said I never trusted dealerships (because I worked in a really shady one) and that I would never buy from them. Well, call me a hypocrite because I am so happy! I believe that I got this new vehicle because of the secret. The part where I sat on my couch pretending to driving my brand new vehicle. I had no idea what kind of vehicle I was pretending to drive, I just know it was a new one! I not only watch "The Secret" from time to time, I also ended buying the book. Just in case Netflix decides to remove it. If you haven't watched it yet, do it! It will absolutely change your life, it changed mine. After the day I had yesterday, I'm referring back to watching it, listening to the playlist of the secret on my Spotify, and reading the book. I WILL change how I let people affect me and I WILL keep my head up no matter what!

[27lilith-blog]

Dear office bully,

Everytime you hurt me with your rude comments, belittling, or talking down to me, I always ask myself.. I wonder if you even realize how you are making me feel? Do you even care how you affecting me? You probably don't and it probably doesn't effect you in any way. But you know what? I'm going to tell you how you make me feel.

I dred coming into work everyday that you are here because it's so up and down with you. Is it going to be a good day where we barely speak but when we do, it's all about work? Is it going to be one of those days where you're having a bad day and can snap at any minute? Are you going to cause me to have another emotional breakdown to the point where I'm literally sobbing and trying to catch my breath?

One of the things that bothers me the most is that when I talk to our boss about it, they do nothing. Like the fact that you make them a lot of money is an excuse for you to be "a little difficult at times." That is NOT okay. I shouldn't have to step on egg shells anytime I talk to you about work incase you snap on me.

I could write a book on all the things you've said or done to me in the short period of time that I've worked here. I haven't even been here a year yet! To be honest, I wouldn't even know where to start. Maybe I would start with how you treated me today. Even I feel like I'm over reaccting but isn't that normal with someone with anxiety? I swear you're giving me PTSD!!

Earlier today a rep asked me if i could get a product out of the stock room for them. You know why they ask me? Because you're not a nice person and you're rude. Even to customers. She was scared to ask you because you were typing on your computer and she was afraid if she asked you, you'd snap on her. I'm not the only one who doesn't like you because of your attitude and how you treat people.

Instead of going right ahead and helping her, I asked you to. To which your ignorant response it "she doesn't do any of that and if you want something, you need to ask me." So I said, she seen you were busy so she asked me. Again, your response was "Always ask me because you don't do that".. Okay so I said.. well that's why I was given a code to the stock room incase someone needed something.. you could have just left it at that but you had to have the last say.. "yeah, I think not" you said under your breath, but definetly loud enough for everyone to hear... HOW RUDE! I am so sick of how you treat me. THEN I was talking to our boss about bonuses in a different room and you had to come barging in and include yourself in a conversation you had nothing to do with! And then you stormed of swearing! Was that necessary?? If I wanted to talk to you about it, I would have went to you and not our boss!!

I was already depressed and down today and just as I was begining to be in a great mood (because a dog came in and I got to pet it) You had to go and ruin it! You went outside for a smoke and my boss tried asking me what I meant.. at that point I started to cry and told him not to worry about it so he went outside.. I quickly started off to the washroom because I was now starting to hysterically cry and I couldn't catch my breath.

I don't know how to deal with your bipolar personality. I shouldn't have to. You need to be properly medicated.

As I'm in my office typing this you just came in and started acting super nice. Nicer than you EVER are. My instant response is to answer your questions with very short one word responses and to not look at you at all when you speak. Do you think you'll get the hint? Probably not. Am I being rude? Unfortunately, yes I am. I don't want you to see the hurt in my eyes. I don't want you to see that you are winning by making me feel depressed or feel like I'm nothing. I suppose it's my pride preventing me from letting you see how much stress, anxiety and hurt you're causing me. But am I wrong for doing this? A part of me is diappointed in myself because I was not raised this way. I was raised to not let bullies bother me because they're most likely so miserable with their own lives that they have to try and make everyone around feel just are miserable as you. But you ARE winning. You ARE making me feel just as miserable, if not more than you are. The only difference between you and I is that I am not going to take it out on anyone but myself. I will not making anyone feel the way you're making me feel.

For anyone that has anxiety, you know that you dwell on EVERYTHING. I wish I wasn't this way, I wish that i didn't have such bad anxiety, and I wish these things didn't bother me as much as it does. Unfortunately for someone like me, with anxiety, you can't help it. I used to be able to just let these things go and not let them bother me because I didn't care what people thought of me. The older I get, the more I care. How does that make sense? It should be the opposite! I used to speak my mind regardless of the consequences and now I watch what I say more often. If i was still that way I probably would have been fired by now because I would have told you EXACTLY how I feel about you. I'm not longer in that "I don't give a f*ck" mindset. Most of the time I am grateful and happy that I am not that way. Sometimes though, I wish I could pull that woman out of me and tell her to go hard! Thinking about that makes me giggle. I would get myself into so much trouble!

I'm sure I'm not the only one in this world going through something like this. In fact, I read somewhere that 65 million people in the US deal with a work bully. There should be a zero tollerance for workplace bullying and it should be dealt with better. My mother bought me this cool little gadget. It's a pen, and it records. I can't seem to figure out how it works, but once I do, I'm going to bring it everywhere with me! That way maybe I could get some of this stuff recorded for proof and eventually something will be done about it. I'm somewhat hopeful.

I have so many things running through my head that I want to say but I can't get them out. Lots of them are negative thoughts about you but at the same time I just feel sorry for you and that makes me angry. Why should I feel sorry for such a horrible, manipulative person? One thing that keeps running through my head is one story you told me about your personal life that kind of makes me sad for you but at the same time kind of makes sense. You told me that the only time you hear from your children is if they want something from you. Other than that, you never hear from them. No random "I love you" or "I miss you" text messages or phone calls. I wonder what kind of mother you were for your children to only want to speak with you when they want something. I couldn't imagine not having a relationship with either of my parents where I would only speak to them if I needed something. For this, I feel sorry for you.

In ending my first entry to you I feel a bit better. I also feel a little weight lifted off me because I started writing this as I was crying and still hurt from the incident earlier and now in closing I am kind of feeling sympathetic and sad for you. I can somewhat see why you're so bitter and miserable. Although, I do think you need to be properly medicated still and need help working on your anger. I also, don't think anything that is going on in your life is an excuse for how you treat people. Now more anything I kind of want to help you but I'm not sure that is possible. I'll figure it out somehow. Maybe I should relearn how to "turn the other cheek" like I used to when I was younger. Feeling more hopeful than I was before! So that's my goal. I'm going to turn the other cheek (or try to) and smile and make it look like I'm still happy and that you don't bother me. You're not going to win anymore. It may be hard to handle but I can do this!

Sincerley,

You're Coworker.