elsarycat @28elsarycat - Tumblr Blog

we treat sobriety

like a newborn child

1 month down,

then the next you know

you’re 16 months grown

into a new person,

explaining the journey

as if you birthed

something worth remembering

the birthday of

#writing #excerpt from a book i'll never write #poetry #thinking #poem excerpt #original poem #poem #sober #sobriety

How Many Losses Does It Take

In adulthood, one cannot be abandoned.

Yet the wound bleeds the same with every discard. I question why. I obsess over the reasons, the deeper scars housed in my bones, why people continue to choose to stay for a season, and not a lifetime. Wilting away as the flower God chose for me to blossom into, unknowing if I'm a perennial or annual to life's burdens, or a weed that'll keep needing uprooted by frustrated hands. I don't need watering, for the sky gladly owns the responsibility, nourishing me lightly & other times quite harshly. I come out of some storms with my leaves shaken and frayed, my roots less grounded as before, yet the Sun bathes me in its life and I reach for Her desperately. I wonder if the Sun is the Mother I didn't get, if the rays of her beauty on my skin feel so inviting because She is me; I am Her. I search for my Mother in the trees, hills, the fog of the morning, the crisp air at night; in the humming of a bird's wings, or the gentleness of a hug from a friend I haven't seen in a while. I search for what and who created me in every experience, every memory, every lesson; encapsulating everything that has shaped me into the person I call Me. I search for meaning in God, the love He so selflessly offers, and give that Love to Myself. I have learned that selfishness and generosity go hand in hand; how ironic life becomes once you look through a more clear lens. You cannot be abandoned in adulthood by anyone other than your own self.

#writing #excerpt from a book i'll never write #thinking #poetry

i long for my mother some days,

but then i feel her genes burning through me,

her words cutting through me like knives

as i squeeze into my jeans,

feeling the heat rise to my cheeks,

my eyes swell with tears,

and my ears ring with the disapproval

from your lack of presence,

yet desire to speak on behalf of my character.

i can’t bleed your blood out of me,

no matter how deep i cut,

you’re always in the crevices of my mind,

or the hollowed parts of my skin,

reminding me of your existence

by simply looking at my own reflection.

i long to erase you sometimes,

to fog you out of my memories,

but remembrance is the way to healing,

the key to unlocking a lift to this curse.

i must remember the smell,

the taste,

the absolute bitterness of knowing that so many things

were simply forgotten,

because she didn’t want to remember.

i crave to remember my past,

my present,

and my future,

with sober hands,

and a wandering heart —

without you,

but wholly with myself.

i wish to understand

i miss our late night rendezvous --

how secretive it felt

to love you.

it felt like all of that love was hidden

only shown behind closed doors

and expressed

to everyone but me.

you’d talk about how good we were,

how caring i was,

yet would manipulate me

and make me feel so small.

i’ll never understand the secrets,

and the need

to lock our love away

in lies.

you’d use the ways i’d forgive you

and repeat the abuse,

as if another excuse

would be enough for me to heal.

i want to understand

why

you ever latched on to me

just to hurt me more.

why

you would listen

to my pain

then use it against me.

i want to understand.

excerpt #20: today

today, i’m taking a step in letting go. i’m deleting the messages. i’m freeing myself of ever looking back at things that used to be, because that’s only allowing myself to hurt. i can’t hold on to pain so heavily, yet still long for change in my life. i have to do what’s right.

something from a couple months ago

#writing #excerpt from a book i'll never write #poetry #thinking #handwriting #books

EXCERPT #19 - pain

i can feel myself slipping into a depressive episode. it’s been so difficult dealing with separation, and abandonment from people i love. i wish my mom would swallow her pride and call me. i wish she’d take my mental health more seriously, and give a fuck about whether i’m dead or alive. i wish my dad could get his head out of his ass and realize how much i’m hurting. all he does is make excuses for my pain, and act like it’s my fault that i feel this way. how the fuck would it be my fault? why would i want to feel this way? did i ask for people to use me, to leave me, to hurt me, and scar me? NO. i have fought way too damn hard to constantly have to explain WHY i’m feeling this way whenever it should be pretty self-explanatory to my parents of ALL PEOPLE. i am so tired of consistently carrying this weight on my shoulders. i’m tired of hating myself, and blaming myself for how i feel. i’m sick to my stomach just thinking about how these people treat me whenever i would do ANYTHING for them. i would lay down my life for people who can’t even give me the light of day. people might try to tell me that i should let these people go, rid my life of the toxicity, etc... but i can’t do that. i know how it feels to be left alone and it’s hard for me to be that person, especially to the people who created me. to the people who’ve hurt me, yet i can still see good in them. to my abusers, even though they’ve scarred me and treated me with so much disrespect. it’s engraved in my heart to always be there for people just because people were never there for me. i know that this mentality will be the death of me, but i can’t rewire my own chemistry. this is who i am, and it’s okay... right?