Daryl Mico

I swear, I'll be okay. Maybe not today, but someday

[2am-brain-farts]

From the notes app.

[2am-brain-farts]

May 25, 2026

Pinapalaya na kita.

[2am-brain-farts]

December 19, 2024

Last night I dreamt of my late nanay. We were in her family home in Bulacan. I am casually lying in the ottoman when she approached me in a green home dress (daster kung kanyang tawagin). I asked her "Pwede kita yakapin?" And she answered "Sige." When I hugged her it felt real. I felt her body. And I just couldn't help but burst into tears.

Nanay, I know that I was not able to fulfill some of my promises to you. Now that I have the resources, I still feel incomplete because I am not able to provide those promises. Miss na miss na kita and I hope you'll still visit me in my dreams. I love you.

[2am-brain-farts]

June 25, 2024

After many years, we're still here. It feels like visiting your childhood home when you feel like drowning from your city life.

[landsccape]

[2am-brain-farts]

May 20, 2024

They say that most of us experience childhood amnesia, where we lose big chunks of memories from our childhood. But for some reason, I am the type of person who remembers a lot from my childhood. I can even remember glimpses from when I am still 2 years old. Mind you, I already know how to write my name then (as confirmed by my mom) and started school at just 3 because I keep on insisting to go to school then.

I am writing this because today, while riding a motorcycle home, I had a random memory of my Nanay and Tatay, my father's parents. You might be wondering why my story will revolve around them. It's because I grew up under their care. I am their first apo. Not to mention I am a male. In short, I am their favorite. I even grew up thinking they were my parents.

When I am still a toddler until my 4th grade, Tatay used to have a business where he cultivates bangus fingerlings and sells them once they mature. It's a family business. My dad and uncle (who I call Kuya) used to work there as Tatay's helpers. It was a fun part of my childhood. I even remember being scolded by Tatay because I am somewhat causing their business to fail because I always play with the fingerlings temporarily stored in our house causing them to die early (sorry, Tatay, hehe).

Every start of growing season, our sala transforms into a fingerling counting area. Our furnitures are moved in our dining area and inside our bed rooms. The living room is then filled with towers of white palangganas used to temporarily house the fingerlings before they are transferred to the palaisdaan or fish pens. This is usually done to count how many fingerlings are alive from the start of propagation and will serve as a baseline so they can count the mortality rate during harvest season. I learned how to count in Tagalog. Isang yuta, isang angaw.

My Nanay is a housewife, but she also helps in the business when she can. Tatay uses rejected apa (broken ice cream cones) as feeds. I fondly remember that buying the sacks of apa is a task for Nanay. Sometimes Nanay will pick me up at school (my classes are in the morning) and bring me with her somewhere in Quezon City to buy apa. Mind you, travelling from Malabon City to Quezon City was a long ride for me back then. We will rent one L300 truck to get there and when we return, we have already filled the L300 with sacks of broken apa. The next morning, we will deliver the sacks of apa via a small boat to Tatay's palaisdaan in Taliptip, Bulacan.

I am happy I can still remember these details. Because it reminded me of how fun my childhood is. That I grew up in a loving environment. Tatay died in 2015 while Nanay left us just last year. But I know they're still beside me. Guiding me and cheering me for every step I make. Nanay even still visits me in my dreams. I miss you both.

[2am-brain-farts]

October 16, 2023

Trigger warning: suicide.

If my 21 year old self could see me right now, I think he'll be proud.

October is mental health month so let me be vulnerable and share a dark secret I've been keeping to myself for eight long years. Eight years ago I almost did the unthinkable. Back then, you wouldn't think I am struggling mentally. I am your typical college boy. I am lively. I have above average grades. I am active on some extra curricular activities, and I have a close-knit group of college friends who until now are still in my core circle.

But to share you a story, on the eve of my college graduation I almost did it. During that time, I didn't think I have depression. I just know that the pressure inside me is already building up. As the eldest child, I cannot handle the pressure anymore. I was about to write my final letter. The only thing that prevented me? The lack of option/choice to do it. I thought back then that it was a sign. That I still should give life another try. And I did.

Two years later, I found myself on a similar situation. I was used to do illegal transactions at work by the person I thought was my first mentor. I trusted him and yet I was left with his liabilities. And on top of it, I lost an important document at work. I am on the brink of losing my job as my integrity has been tarnished. And it also didn't help that earlier that year I lost my friends because of misunderstandings. I have never felt more alone. I am at my lowest and yet I have no one to talk to. I thought to myself that maybe I deserved this. That this is also my doing. I considered jumping off the rooftop of our office. Yet again, I decided not to.

Two years later, I was able to redeem myself in my first job, to the point that my boss said that he considers me as his success story. We parted ways in good terms and I transferred to another company. I have learned my lessons and I became wary of who to trust. In my second job, I met a lot of people who I can say that I trust. This time, I found myself struggling with mental health for the third time. The pressure of delivering at work brought me to the brink of being burnt out.

Last year I found myself freezing in front of my laptop. I am losing nights of sleep. I am also finding myself cleaning the apartment every night. I cannot function properly. And I am always lost in thought to the point that I sometimes find myself almost missing the station I need to get off.

But because I already found the right people they pushed me to seek help. And I did. Today, I am celebrating my choice to seek professional help. Today is the day I was diagnosed with symptoms of depression. But most importantly, today, I am celebrating the anniversary of me choosing to continue. Today is a celebration of life.

[2am-brain-farts]

October 01, 2023

[2am-brain-farts]

May 28, 2023 3:56 AM

Finally finished a novel after a long while. The Midnight Library by Matt Haig was a good read. It reminded me to learn to live the life I chose and not the regrets of what could have been. And that our decisions are ours alone and we must own and live by them.

I must admit I have my own list of regrets and that I sometimes wished I could live a life as another version of myself. Pero sabi nga ng isang kaibigan. Mabuhay sa ngayon. Hindi sa kahapon. Hindi sa bukas. Mabuhay tayo ngayon.

"The sky goes dark

The black over blue

Yet the stars still dare

To shine for you"

— Matt Haig

[2am-brain-farts]

February 23, 2023

Exactly a month since the last day I saw nanay alive and conscious, she finally visited me in my dreams. 

In my dream, I am so annoyed because my siblings did not leave me any food so I went to nanay’s house and see if they had any. Instead, she cooked food for me to eat. Then the setting suddenly shifted to their ancestral house in Paombong, Bulacan. We were sitting in the balcony overlooking their garden and I am trying to reach for something under the table. I know she’s trying to help me because I can see her hand reaching under too. I just told her “Ako na ang kukuha at baka mahirapan ka pa,” Then I looked directly in her eyes and added, “Just promise me one thing. Huwag ka na magkakasakit please?” Her response was a smile and a laugh.

Then I woke up to my alarm realizing what just happened, what I said and requested, and why she responded like that. I went to the shower and cried.

[2am-brain-farts]

February 19, 2023 (Sunday)

I probably had one of my worst breakdowns last Friday. Two weeks before, my feelings were already boiling. I probably also had one of my worst mood swings. Going to work has been a heavy chore (going to work around 10AM instead of 8AM). Miscommunications has been a normal occurence with my boyfriend (we fought on Valentines' Day and our 16th monthsary 👀). And I also skipped my doctor's appointment and a job interview with a famous urban planning firm.

Then Friday came. My boyfriend and I fought (my fault). I cancelled our Saturday plans. Then, asked my work friends to drink. I drank 8 or 9 glasses of mixed tequila. Was laughing my ass off with work friends. Got home safe. And then, when I entered my room. I broke down. I called for nanay. I called for her to get me. Before, all I ask if for her to visit me in my dreams. But last Friday, I asked her to take me with her. I was ready to die. I was ready to leave this world. All I did was cry. I cried and cried and cried.

Then my boyfriend came. He held me in his arms. Asked me to stay with him. He took care of me. I am not proud of what I did and happened. But I am thankful for him. The following morning, my mom visited me (cause my roommate told my mom I was having a breakdown). My mom and I had a talk and we both cried. Not a normal thing because we did not grow up like that. We used to hide feelings with each other. Expressing our love is also not our love language. But we hugged regardless. Bonys is my mom also got to know my boyfriend better.

Yesterday, I was reminded to slow down. I was reminded that I am loved and there are people willing to support me. And all I have is my endless gratitude. Thank you, @themoderndavid. Thank you for doing the things you did for the past two nights. I love you. Always. All ways.

[2am-brain-farts]

February 15, 2023

Kumusta? Ang sabi nila. Kapag napapagod ka, tumigil na muna sandali. Hingang malalim. Ipikit ang mga mata. At damhin ang nasa paligid

Pero paano kung ang pahingang gusto ay yung pahingang hindi ka na mapapagod muli? Yung pahingang kapag ikaw ay pumikit, hindi ka na muling didilat. Sa paghinga mo nang malalim, hindi ka na makakaihip pa muli ng hangin? At sa iyong pagtigil, hindi ka na muling kikilos.

[thelifeoftyran]

👋 Send Me Emojis 👀👌

☝ - How tall are you? ✔ - Sexual Orientation 🚬 - Do you Smoke? 🍷 - Do you Drink? ♒ - Do you Take Drugs? 😳 - Age you get mistaken for? 💉 - Have Tattoos? ✏️ - Want any tattoos? ✂️ - Got any Piercings? ✌ - Want any piercings? 👌 - Best friend? ♥ - Do you like anyone? 🎤 - Top 5 favorite bands? 🎶 - Top 5 favorite songs? 😒 - Biggest pet peeve? 📝 - Story from your childhood. 💬 - I wish… ‼️ - Something you’ll change? 💦 - What makes you horny? 🌟 - A wish you’ll wish for? 🔥 - Something spicy you like? 👃 You hate the smell of …. 👊 - Something you hate? 🚶 - Are you single? 💬 - Can we text? 💌 - Fan mail me? 💍 - Marry me? 💘 - Be my tumblr crush? 💭 - Favorite foods? ☀ - Story about your day. 💘 - Top 5 celebrity crushes? 🎥 - Top 5 favorite movies? 📺 - Top 5 favorite TV shows? ✏ - Random fact about yourself. ✈️ - Where are you from? 🚀 - Where do you wanna visit? 😍 - Do you have a crush? 😷 - Something you hate eating? 🙈 - What makes you shy? 💃 - Can you dance? 💏 - Do you love anyone? 👟 - Favorite shoe(s) to wear? 🌴 - A island you would visit? 🌎 - A country you would visit? 🌀 - Favorite type of weather? 🔮 - Do you believe in luck? 📱 - What kinda phone do you have? 📅 - Favorite time of the year? 📚 - Career goal you want? 🍴 - Favorite food(s) to eat? 🍭 - Favorite Candy? 🍇 - Favorite fruits? 🚘 - Dream car(s)? 🚔 - Have you ever been arrested? 🚑 - Have you ever driven in an ambulance before? 🎫 - Do you have a license? 🚼 - Do you have or want kids? 🔞 - Are you under 18? 🐶 - Do you own a pet? 😔 - Something that makes you sad? 😡 - What pisses you off? 😏 - What turns you on? 😈 - Are you a freak? 💪 - Do you work out?

[2am-brain-farts]

I learned something from my boyfriend.

[2am-brain-farts]

February 07, 2023

When I found out that I have depression I called my mom and told her immediately. Her response what not I expected.

Growing up, we have a rocky relationship. I grew up thinking she never really cared about me. Why? Because as a baby, right after I was discharged from the hospital, my paternal grandparents sort of adopted and took care of me. They were the ones who fed, dressed, put roof over my head, and paid for my education. My parents, on the other hand, never attended any school events with me (i.e., PTA meetings, school recitals and performances, etc.). My mom only attended during recognition days and graduations when she will put my medals on my neck. When I am assured already of recognition.

So her response when she found out that I have depression is the reason why I officially forgave them of all the things that they did and never did. So what was the response? My mom said that I should resign from work, go home, and she will take care of me. She’s even willing to accept me as a freeloader. From time to time she checks on me and even visited my apartment earlier this year to cook for me.

I know some of us doesn’t have the best relationship with our parents. And I am not saying all parents are the same. And I am writing this to appreciate what they did. Not all parents are perfect. Mine are not. But I want to appreciate that at least right now they are trying to make amends. They even accepted my boyfriend (but that’s for another story).

[2am-brain-farts]

🌻

[2am-brain-farts]

February 03, 2023

What cosmic event are we having now? Are there retrogrades I should be aware of? Because the want and need to push the reset button is stronger than usual.