Sometimes Shit Really Does Happen
Sometimes we fuck up. I can think of no better way to say it. Even the most experienced Dominants sometimes encounter the unforeseen or make mistakes and something really goes wrong. All at once the scene, so carefully planned and executed, comes to a screeching halt, a safe word might be used, and the entire aura and atmosphere evaporates in an instant leaving everyone involved suddenly feeling lost. The dream ends and reality strikes. Hard. And when it does, wow do the feelings flood in.
When something we as Dominants have so carefully planned does not work, does not achieve the desired outcome, results in unintended pain or heaven forbid injury, the whole facade of the perceived invincibility and omnipotence of the Dom comes crashing down. No longer large and in charge, suddenly we are just vulnerable people trying to pick up the pieces and glue them back together as best we can. It doesn’t feel dominant at all. Not even a little bit.
Clearly in such instances the first thing to do is to remove any hazard, mitigate any further harm, and care for whatever infirmary has been produced. The restraints that only moments before were a source of pleasure suddenly become an emotional irritant and possible source of additional pain. Release the bonds, provide physical comfort, medical care if necessary and emotional reassurance. Now. Right now.
But there is more than just physical care that must be provided. For the submissive, who may already be suffering physically, there is an additional emotional toll. With one mistake by a Dominant, the atmosphere of dominance and all of the attention, devotion and stimulation a submissive most longs for is suddenly and violently ripped away. An emotional bubble is literally burst. There is an immediate sense of loss, of disappointment, of having been cheated out of something great and important. But more than that, there is a sense of having let their Dominant down in some way. Even when physically hurt, the first response of a submissive if often pleading to keep going, to somehow rekindle the magic of moments before, turn back the clock and carry on. But this is at times neither possible nor practical. Sometimes the scene just has to stop, physical care given, and emotional and mental comfort provided. Sometimes all you can do is be there for one another and work through the feelings and reassure each other that you will try again another time, in a different way. For now it is just time to cuddle, care for and reassure.
As a Dominant, I have a deeply seated need to care for, protect, and nurture my submissive. I hold her with the same care I would my own child…perhaps even more. The mere thought of harming her physically or emotionally in some way is anathema to me. While the full energies of a Dominant should always go to the care and comfort of their submissive, it is also important to acknowledge that when things go wrong and a submissive is hurt in some way, the Dominant suffers too, often in silence.
Short of abandonment, inadvertently or unintentionally harming a submissive, be it through ignorance, oversight, arrogance or loss of control, is about the worst thing a Dominant can do. To a genuine loving and caring Dominant it is a crushing blow to the ego and to all the values that we hold important and dear. In instances of real injury, the emotional impact on a Dominant can be so great that they never get back on the dominance horse again out of fear of causing further harm. This is especially true when the injury or harm is the result of a loss of control on the part of the Dominant, where they no longer trust themselves to remain safe, sane and consensual at all times. In these instances it might indeed be best not to ride again.
The best protection I know against shit happening is knowledge and experience. Dominants should never undertake activities on a submissive that they are not fully knowledgeable of, have never tried before, had done to them, or do not fully understand and appreciate the risks involved and the means of mitigating them. A knowledgeable, experienced and conscientious Dominant is a good Dominant. But even the best among us encounter the unforeseen or make mistakes. It happens to all of us eventually and when it does it really does not feel good at all. Indeed it feels really, really bad. Ultimately the key is to be prepared for all eventualities at all times so that when something bad or unforeseen happens we are prepared to cope with the aftermath responsibly and effectively.
This may sound extreme but a Dominant should have an effective working knowledge of first aid, CPR, and possess a good bedside manner. They should know how to engage in bondage in such a way that any bond, regardless of type or material, can be instantaneously released in the event of emergency. And of course a submissive should never be left in any helpless state unattended.
I take my role as a Dominant very seriously. I am a state licensed emergency medical responder and I am also a sailor and I put that training and skill to good use in my BDSM practices. I never tie a knot that cannot be released with a single pull of a bitter end, much like unlacing a pair of shoes. You will not see me fumbling to loosen or untie a knot. If you do not possess these skills then a heavy pair of surgical scissors or rope/leather/seat belt cutter should be always within reach. My cuffs and collars do not lock mechanically, they are effective and strong but can be removed instantaneously. In most cases they could, with some effort, be removed by the submissive in a dire emergency. These are elements of the safety and sanity implied by the credo of safe, sane and consensual. It is a matter of planning ahead and executing with knowledge and experience. But even at that, shit happens and it is important to be prepared to deal with it when it does.
Safe, sane and consensual means more than playing carefully and nice. It means being knowledgeable, experienced, thoughtful, conscientious, and prepared for any and all eventualities. Have fun, be careful, and at all times expect that some day you too will make a most regrettable mistake and it will be no fun when you do. Just be prepared to cope with it in the best and most caring possible manner when it does.
Originally posted on May 13, 2013
Caption © For The Love of a Submissive, 2013
Image: “Intersection of Intentions” © Felilly
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