* & ARCELI / astraseason !
try as you might, words – any words – catch in your throat and die. you can hardly take your eyes off her, scared that you might blink and before you know it she’ll be gone, gone, gone; resting beneath the earth and forever beyond your reach like you had assumed she would be. ( you do not know what’s different this time around, but you pray that it is not simply you imagining things after gods know how long. )
“…yes, mo– lady mikoto,” your cheeks flush in shame and you find yourself twisting blue strands of hair in your fingers awkwardly, knowing you have no right to call the queen of hoshido your mother. not after all the times you have failed her. not after all you have said and done to the others. “it would be an honour to have your help. but… promise me: if you are ever in over your head or in– in danger… please retreat. i… after such a close call before…”
i can’t lose you again goes unspoken. you’re certain she understands what you’re trying to say, despite your voice failing you.
“i missed you.” you want to hug her. you want to throw your arms around your mother, bury your face in her shoulder, and sob like a little girl about how scared you were and how sorry you are for everything, but you do not. you swallow thickly, willing yourself to remain calm in her presence.
you have gone through worse. death was once a daily thing you faced- and even after coming to hoshido- the ever looming specter of death did not fade so easily. just this once, perhaps the gods have chosen to smile favoribly upon you. ( you will not hold your breath, because you do not think it will last. )
“ there is no need for formality- you may call me mikoto, if you wish. ” you almost smile. there is a twisting pain in your chest- just like the day you learned of your sister’s death. ( did you even deserve to be called ‘ mother ’ ; the sneering voice in the back of your head taunts. it sounds eerily like arete. ) “ if that is what you want, then i will do my best to follow through on that. you have my promise. ”
you understand. you understand all too well, you’ve been the person on the other side far too many times- the one afraid to loose, the one who has lost and almost lost.
you extend your hand outwards to arceli. there is a wall between the two of you. one built from years of time and distance. it is not pleasant or easy, but you must take the painful first steps towards tearing it down. “ i have missed you very terribly. ”
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