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Splurge! #books #Iamrich
Not only did the US Supreme Court ruled for marriage equality but it also set an example for other countries. It’s a huge step for human kind. Love always wins! <3
Feelin' bald now... #puppy #lifewithtoto #sadpuppy
When you start rooting for two anime characters to end up together and you giggle by yourself everytime the ‘cool anime guy’ says something stupid you know you have reached the peak of loneliness.
Adulthood is ok, they said. Being in your twenties is fun, they said.
They lied.
When you live in a small community and you’re a woman
o if you wear bold lipstick people think you’re a whore;
o if you wear high heels people think you’re a luxurious whore;
o if you had more than three boyfriends people think you’re a whore;
o if you’ve been single for more than six months people think you’re a lesbian;
o if you’ve been single for more than one year people think you’re close to becoming a nun;
o if you don’t dress accordingly people think you’re a freak;
NB: accordingly = just like everybody else.
o freaks stand out and that’s not good for a `good` girl like yourself;
o if you wear your headphones on the street people say you feel superior;
o if you’re reading a book in public people think you’re either a nerd or one of those people who think they’re better than anyone else;
o if you stand up for yourself you’re being rude;
NB: Don’t read in public and don’t speak up.
o and people don’t know who you are than you are most likely an antisocial weirdo;
o if you tell someone you’re suffering from anxiety, depression and panic attacks they stare through you as if the information did not make its way into their brains;
NB: Mental disorders are not a recognized disability.
o people judge you for not attending church;
o and you happen to go to church the old ladies will stare at you as if you’ve committed an unforgivable sin;
o people can’t accept the fact your beliefs are different than theirs;
o you should start a family and raise children;
o people will judge you if you’re being successful;
o people will judge you if you’re being a failure;
NB: failure = a 20 something woman who is not married and doesn’t have any children.
So basically if you’re a woman and you’re living in a small community you should be invisible. However, I am not that easily intimidated and this is probably the reason why I don’t have that many friends here. Small city girls are more big city girls than big city girls, if that makes any sense. Why? Because their need to escape scrutiny is bigger than everyone else’s.
Some types of friends
The best friend. Description not needed. You live in the same universe and speak the same language. Intruders not accepted!
The forever friend. This friend you used to call your best friend. She still is your best friend. You don’t talk on a daily basis with this friend, sometimes even for whole years but every time you see each other it’s like time has stopped. You probably grew up with this friend, you probably went to school together and you most likely were deskmates. This friend was there when you had your first period, your first kiss and you used to stress over tiny pimples. This is the friend you always had, you’ll always have and never lose.
The let’s-share-the-last-piece-of-chocolate friend. This friend/s you met in college. You were roommates in a crappy dorm, you shared passions and dreams, drunken nights, boy crushes and late night McDonalds’ Happy Meals. You fantasized over pretty boys and you watched chick-flick movies on Friday nights. This friend knows you when you’re mad, happy, sad, bored, anxious. This is the friend you’d go on adventures with.
The we-can-talk-about-poop friend. This is the friend who is comfortable talking about bodily fluids and gross stuff like it’s the most normal thing in the world. And it is. This friend is probably very similar to you in a not-so-similar way.
The freak friends. This is the group where you probably meet your best friend. These friends were there when you got drunk for the first time and they share your passion for music, book, films, anime and other geeky stuff. You were freaks together, you still are, but that doesn’t bother you one bit.
The soulmate friend. Not everybody has this friend. You consider yourself very lucky if you found it. You could marry this friend if only you were gay.
The boy friend. This friend is your best friend and you’re his best friend, is that simple. This friend you’ve known your whole life and making fun of each other, saying things straight to each other’s faces and judging one another is the charm of the relationship. There is no such thing as fighting with this friend.
The distant friend. This is the friend who is not really your friend anymore. This friend has probably changed his/her priorities and you fell apart. There’s nobody’s fault and there are no hard feeling.
Not in Kansas
The crappy thing about having cute neighbours is that they see you at your worst. They see you when you walk the dog in the morning, they see you when you go buy tampons, they see you with your guards down, they see you with your hair up, they see the dark circles under your eyes, they see that pimple on your chin, they see your ripped t-shirt, they see you in your pyjamas when you go buy snacks in the middle of the night, they see you arguing with your dog like the old lady with 15 cats.
And yet they never see you when you're feeling beautiful, when you have a good hair day or when you are finally bothered to put on some make-up. They smile all the time when they say „hi” and always stop for a polite chit-chat making you feel like they might actually be interested in more than just a neighbourly chat. You obviously know they probably don’t give a rat’s ass about you but your subconscious can’t stop working on its own. You feel stupid after each encounter and you make a mental note to act cool next time you see him. You fail miserably! You never look him in the eyes because you know you’ll blabber like an idiot and stupid words will come out of your mouth. Your inner self screams inside ‘You’re a smart educated woman, act like one!’ but you always fail to listen.
Your heart skips a beat and you feel like a teenager all over again, dreaming about the cool guy next door that could never pay attention to the weird girl who wears glasses, ties her hair in a bun, wear loose jeans and has a dog named Toto. But dreaming never hurt anybody and while Oz may not exist, Toto is real and so is the neighbour from the 8th floor. Hooray!
Things I learned from my mom.
Never eat with my mouth opened. Never point people with my index finger. Show’em your middle one when they really deserve it. Stay with my legs crossed when sitting down. Never stare. Not to talk out loud when in public. Be curious. Be brave. Stand up to myself. Not to care what other people think about me. Be my own person. Get my shit together. Be responsible. Be polite. Be unique. Trust my gut. Have faith in myself. I have nice legs even if I have thick thighs. Be confident. My body is my own. It’s ok to say no. It’s ok to say yes. It’s ok not to know. It’s ok to fail sometimes. Be myself. Be natural. Wear make-up only if I want to. Always remove it before going to bed. Leave my eyebrows be. Tuck my shirt in. Wear comfy shoes. Wear heels only if I want to. Trust my sister. Sister’s bond is unconditional. Wear lipstick. Wear RED lipstick. Have clean nails. Be naive. Be a child. Be suspicious. Be an adult. Mondays aren’t terrible. Fridays are amazing. Sundays are sacred. It’s ok if I’m anxious. Think about happy places when having a panic attack. Depression is not something I should be embarrassed about. Cramps are awful but I can keep them under control. Be afraid. Love. Hate. Care. Study. Be great. Be weird. Be whatever you want. Dream. Never stop dreaming. Never stop loving. Never stop caring. Never stop being weird. Suffer. Feel pain. Feel joy. Be happy. Be unsatisfied. Always to want more. Never settle. Be sorry. Yell. Apologize. Scream. Family is home. Endure. I’ll never be rich. Struggle. Be powerful. Be strong! I don’t need too many friends to be happy. It’s ok to get drunk. It’s ok to fuck up. It’s ok to get into a fight. Be in love. Always look for something more. And ultimately, respect myself because I’m the person I will be spending the rest of my life with.
How I Escaped the Force of Facebook.
I've been on facebook long before it was a thing in Romania. As a matter of fact, I've been on facebook before its big bada-boom, precisely since the beginning of 2008. At first, my peers had no idea what facebook was and I had approximately 5 friends who were actually my internet buddies I had previously met of different forums or on MySpace. Naturally at the time I wasn't wasting time on facebook, but I would be reminded by random emails that I have an account. It would take me another 2 years to really start getting in the game, so to say. Throughout my college and masters years facebook was teh shit. You couldn't go places without checking in on facebook and you couldn't have a trip without posting pictures on facebook and you couldn't even skip a class without telling facebook all about it. Heck, if you had to poop you would post on facebook. Everything and everybody was on facebook. Now, I was never the type of person who would post all of her life online and even if I choose to do it at some point, it wouldn't be on facebook. I would much rather make a blog and share my shit therehere. Facebook always gave me the creeps even when I was using it 24/7. I liked the idea of being in touch with people I haven’t seen for ages or were living across the ocean or seeing what my old crushes are up to these days, but it all seemed dull, cold and impersonal to me. Nevertheless, like any other curious human out there, I did waste a heck of a lot of time refreshing my news feed and stalking people I hated or people I secretly wanted to be friends with. Like my friends weren't a handful already. So how did I escape it? Here’s how.
First and foremost, I didn't particularly like facebook very much to begin with. So you should start there.
Graduating from college and having a Masters Degree with no job or future prospects helped.
Also, moving back to my hometown, in my old room, with parents nagging me 24/7 helped a lot as well.
This one is easy. I stared for hours at my news feed and watch the people I know become real adults in the real world (according to society’s standards anyway). Then I compared my pathetic life with theirs and quietly wished to live their lives.
I had a nervous breakdown. I was depressed and felt like a loser, like I was left behind.
I was ashamed of who I was and I forgot what made me ME.
I talked shit about people with my best friend. We were both in the same situation anyway.
I stopped saying `Happy Birthday` to people I only met once and deactivated my birthday on facebook. It certainly did not help me receive `best wishes` from people who otherwise wouldn't even pay attention to me.
I watched TV shows, read books, read blogs, didn't step outside my home for a whole month. I then realized this is not helping anyone, certainly not me.
I decided it’s time for a change.
I started by swearing facebook off for a while and tried to reconnect with the people that do matter.
I found inspiring people and I am still looking up to them.
If people ask `Have you seen that thing on facebook?` I reply with a simple `No. I don’t really do facebook anymore.`
I started a journal, I started a blog, I made plans even if I know they’ll fail. I looked forward to what life threw my way (still am) and I stopped being a whiny bitch.
I reconnected with myself and found out what is it that I want from live. Even if you don’t you, aspire to be someone you would look up to.
I rediscovered who I was without having other people’s success shoved into my face. I then was able to be happy for the people I used to envy
One year and a half since graduating I found a shitty job but I get by. And I realized that nobody like their job, not even those `real adults from the real world`.
I eventually returned to facebook but I barely check it once a day, not unless my best friend send me a message. It seems easier to use the facebook texting app to communicate.
So yeah, up yours facebook!
A Glimpse into the Past - The One When Mangalia was a Country and Her Parents Where the Only People in the World
- “How much do you love mommy?” - “From earth to sky and back.”
- “Why are you crying little one?” - “I miss my daddy. He left me here all alone. I miss my daddy! My daddy!” - “He left me all alone. I want my daddy!” - “Lord, how she’s crying for Dan!” - “She just loves him very much.” - “He’ll come back for you. He went to work and he’ll come back at the end of the week.”
- “We’ll need to run some test to see if there is something else. Otherwise is just a cold.” - “You come with mommy to get the test done and I’ll buy a Kiss candy-bar.”
- “Please be more gentle. She’s only 3 years old, of course she’ll kick and cry.” - “She’s alright, it doesn’t hurt. She’s just a fussy child.” - “Awww it hurts!!! Mommy!! I’ll tell daddy you hurt me!” - “You’ll tell your dad? Now let’s see if it hurts.” - “You’re stupid! I’ll tell my dad and he’ll hurt you back!” - “Shhhht baby girl. You tell daddy! Mommy is here!”
- “Adi!!!” - “Daaaad! You came back? Did you bring me something good?” - “Even better! I have a surprise for you. Look, who’s there!” - “I missed you too my baby sister! I’ll never let go!” - “Calm down girls or you’ll make you daddy cry too!” - “Alinaaa! My sister, I missed you so much. Never go away again! I missed you so much!”
- “Adina, when you feel like you want to pee wake me up and mommy will take you to the bathroom! Stop peeing all over the bed. You’re already 5 years old!” - “Mommy, but I can’t help it!” - “Of course you can! Just try harder!”
- “As it turns out she has a pee infection mam. It will all go away if yo give her the pills I gave. After the treatment she should have no problems of this sort ever again.” - “And here I was blaming her for peeing every single night. I feel so guilty now!” - “It’s ok mam. You didn’t know.”
-”Adina, tell me a poem! Come on, tell me a poem!” - “But Mr. Victor, I want to go play!” - “You can play after you tell me a poem. Tell your old uncle a poem like only you can tell!” - “Fine!
Drowsy birds at even gliding, Round about their nests alight, In among the branches hiding . . . Dear, good night!
Silence through the forest creeping, Lullaby the river sighs; In the garden flowers sleeping. . . Shut your eyes!
- “Now can I go play with my sister?” - “Very good! You’re a natural when it comes to poems. You can go!” - “Thank you!”
- “Give grandma a kiss! Grandma loves you both very much!” - “I don’t want to kiss you. Let’s go mom, it’s so cold!” - “I’ll kiss you grandma. Alina, you are bad!” - “Take care of my girls Coca!” - “Oh and grandma, take care of our tiny snowman. Don’t let it melt!”
- “Mommy, why are you crying?! Why is grandma sitting in that box?” - “Granny is gone sweetie!” - “But if she’s gone then why is she crying?” - “Yes mommy, Alina is right! Look!”
- “And I didn’t want to kiss her last time. Granny will hate me forever!” - “She won’t hate you sweetie! She loves you, she always loved you so much!” - “Yes Alina, she loves you. Granny loves!” - “But now she will never know I love her too!” - “Yes she does sweetie. Think of her from time to time and she will know!”
- “Mommy, who was at the door?” - “He’ll meet us there.” - “That was your uncle. I’ll get you and your sister ready because we need to go see your grandmother.” - “Where is daddy?”
- “Stay in the hallway. Mommy will be right back.” - “But I want to see grandpa!” - “You can’t see grandpa now. Just wait here!” - ”Grandpa, are you sleeping? Why are these people looking at you and crying?! Wake up grandpa! Wake up and draw me something!” - ”His heart stopped mam! I’m so sorry!”
- “Mangalia is not a country! Romania is a country! You’re stupid!” - “I’m not stupid! Of course Mangalia is a country. It’s where mommy and daddy and me and Alina live. Mangalia is a country right grandma?! - “Who made you so stupid?! Mangalia is a town! Take example from your cousin Andreea. She’s the smart one!”
- “Mommy where are you taking Alina?! Why won’t you come to school with me? It’s my first day!” - “Alina will have surgery today to remove her appendix!” - “Will she be alright?” - “Yes she will. Just go with grandma Nuta to school. Mommy and daddy are sorry for not being able to be with you on your first day at school!” - “It’s ok mommy! I’ll be fine! Take care of my sister!” - “Mommy will see you later ok? Good luck!” - “Ok.”
Update
It’s been almost a month since my last post and far too long since I have neglected this blog. I wish I could say I did something worth sharing, or at least I’ve written something worth posting, but the truth is I haven’t been doing any of that. The only thing that changed is that I’m not exactly unemployed anymore, at least not at the moment. I accepted a crappy job that pays shit and does shit but at least I’m working from home and I might be able to save some money to, at least, buy a new computer. I am in desperate need of one as my old laptop is dying of slow death right before my eyes and the job is related to writing and media, so I guess that’s ok.
I have had some ups and downs these past few months and I came to accept my fate as a failed twenty something that keeps struggling and keeps failing. But at the end of the day I guess I am quite satisfied to where I am now because at least I got to know myself better and to really work towards doing the things I like. And I guess life really has its way of putting things together, or at least to give some meaning to some of our actions. I can’t even stress enough how good the timing of me living at my parents’ home was. I am not saying is a good thing because obviously I am still eager to get out of this situation, but what happened in the past month made me appreciate this time I have with them even more.
I also decided to not rush things anymore. Taking everything step by step and aiming towards small, achievable goals is my new motto. So I am really sorry blog, for neglecting you. I promise to post at least once a week because that IS realistic. I also promised to myself I will make more time to write; about life, my boring existence, about everything that comes to mind. I will write until my fingers fall off and my eyes disappear in the back of my head.
I am not really sure how to end this, so bye!
Just Let Me Whine Goddammit
I neglected my blog and I feel bad about it. I haven’t written something in so long and I feel terrible about it. I hate that I haven’t written a How to August post and I hate that I have so many ideas jotted down on pieces of paper and of which I can’t bring myself to write about.
I hate that I can’t handle alcohol anymore and I hate that I hate heat. I hate summer or, I hate the summer heat and I hate that I hate that. I hate that I became so uptight and anxious and I hate I become overly excited with people I haven’t seen for a long time.
I hate that I fall in love easily and I absolutely hate that I have a crush on a boy who has a girlfriend. I hate that I find myself staring at him or thinking about him and I really hate I am aware that nothing will ever happen between us. I hate that I’m infatuated with him and I hate my life is not a fantasy. I hate him so much!
I hate that I’m stuck in this stupid home town and I hate that I only have a part-time freelance job. I hate I’m not where I’m supposed to be and I hate that my best friend is hundreds of miles away.
I hate that I don’t wear as much lipstick as I used to and I hate I am not taking care of my hair. I hate to be called a woman by children because heck, I’m still a girl.
I hate I’m an adult with adult problems and I hate I became such a lazy bum. I hate I’m having such a hard time finding a job when others have it so easy.
I hate that I’m writing this but I certainly don’t regret posting it. I hate I’m going to take a nap now and I am not bothered by anything. I hate how I became so passive and I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I hate how people don’t pronounce the “t” in “often” and I hate I can’t talk in English accent. I don’t really like my randomness and I hate I talk too much.
To hell with everything, I love my life!
Everybody Has a Little Obsession. Here's Mine
I don't think I've ever written about how much I enjoy Asian television dramas, especially the Korean and Japanese ones. And I don't think I can't stress enough how much they took over my life and how much I love them. You see, usually people binge-watch American/British TV shows, or they obsess over anime, or cartoons, or comic books, or watching youtubers on youtube, or making blogs on tumblr about their fandom, or simply waste time on social media. That's how most of the people I know go through life, because let's face it, the era of going crazy over music stars is over because, let's face it, rock stars don't exist anymore, or if they do they're buried deep down under the mass of teen fans obsessing over One Direction and Justin Bieber. But they're not rock stars. I wouldn't even dare to call them pop stars. They're just not so talented boys who happened to come across famous music producers who happened to introduce them to the right music composers who happened to write lyrics that happened to make the millions of teenage girls go insane, even though at a quick view, the lyrics are not even that good. And don't get me wrong, I like me some 1D when I'm bored even though I will never admit it to my friends. But hey, that's a different topic for a different other shitty kind of day.
Back to Asian TV dramas. If you don't know what those are, they're basically soap operas, with 16 to 20 episodes (usually), with either a rich woman or a poor man, or a rich man and a poor woman as the main characters, some funny sidekicks, an evil but funny grandma who rules the family, or an evil and not so funny grandpa who makes the weirdest and creepiest requests/decisions (ok, sometimes he is funny too), an ex-girlfriend who has the most perfect timing you will ever see on television, and a man, usually rich who helps and falls in love with the main female character, and who also has a perfect timing. Oh, and if the plot involves a very very rich family, expect the grandpa or the father to have a mistress, who will also live in the main house. Yes, it's fucked up.
This was quite a journey! I spent the better part of a day going back and forth with a guy that I was not entirely sure was for real at first, then I absolutely got fooled, and then I realized I got fooled. It was fun. The guy said some LEGITIMATELY funny stuff when he was “in character.” And it all ended in a way that I felt good about.
It’s pretty much all laid out in the screencaps, But let me elaborate here:
HEY YOUNG MEN! I know it seems like women complain a lot about how they are represented in media, including fiction, and how it seems like they want entertainment tailored specifically to them, and how they seem to want ALL of pop culture to be politically correct or feminist-ized or whatever it is you think they want, but really, what’s happening is that women are tired of seeing garbage women characters in most of our entertainment. And they’re wondering, Would it really be so much trouble to make more realized female characters? You could still have all your CGI and action and science fiction and drama and swords and stuff, but the female characters could be a little more fleshed out and interesting. And the entertainment would still be good and would, in fact, be better.
Guys, instead of thinking, “Hey, not everything has to be politicized,” try thinking, “I wonder what it would be like for me if the situation were reversed, and how I’d feel if in the vast majority of the entertainment I consumed, the male characters were few and far between and then mostly used as talking props & plot devices. I wonder if I’d get kinda tired of that and occasionally I’d say something, even a little joke, just to ease the annoyance a little.”
Fellows. Listen to the women in your lives. Ask them questions. It will change your perspective for the better. Years ago, I got into a brief argument with two female friends of mine about a movie— it does not even matter which movie— that they viewed as sexist and I did not. I couldn;t even fathom how they could see it that way. I tried to argue that it was not sexist. In recounting our discussion to another party, it was pointed out to me that they might have a different viewpoint based on their life experiences, and that it was not for me to tell them that their interpretation was incorrect. And that I was probably getting defensive about it because if the movie was sexist, it followed that my liking it would make me appear sexist. And that’s when I realized that none of this was about me, and maybe I should shut up and listen and try to understand. And also to be more aware of things like this and develop not just my sympathy, but my empathy.
I will only ever be able to empathize so much with women, because my experience as a white male in America is vastly different from that of anyone who is not that. But I can relate to:
not being taken seriously
not being listened to
being dismissed
being condescended to
having something explained to me that I already understand
And I having had those experiences, I am now more inclined to TRY to understand where someone is coming from if they are telling me they are having a similar experience with our culture.
So guys: just try. You don’t even really have to dig that deep. Think about your own experiences as a person, then apply that to someone else. It gets easier the more you do it, and it makes your life better.
Anyway, I hear Dawn of The Planet of The Apes is pretty good!