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shawty had them 🍎 bottom 👖 (👖) 👢with the FUR (with the fur) the whole club was lookin at her she 👊💥 the floor (she 👊💥 the floor) next thing u know shawty got 👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇 them baggy sweat pants and the 👟 with the straps (with the straps) she turned and gave that big 🍑 a slap (hey) she 👊💥 the floor (she 👊💥 the floor) next thing u know shawty got 👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇

itsbrittanyswift

idk what I expected but it wasn’t the actual song and it certainly wasn’t that either

iraffiruse

rach-geller

toodrunktofindaurl

my brother is getting married and i’m so excited to fulfill my destiny as the embarrassing drunk gay sister who flirts with the bride for the entire ceremony

toodrunktofindaurl

i’m gonna yell “RUN AWAY WITH ME” to her during the vows

toodrunktofindaurl

there are people out there genuinely worried that I’m gonna steal my brother’s bride away the day of their wedding… i’m laughing. I’ve known her since I was born, we just love annoying the shit out of my brother and this “you picked the wrong sibling” joke has been going on for as long as I can remember. The whole family is in on it. The three of us are super close, she’s always been family. Also we are really bad at romantic weddings (my Mom wore jeans at my Dad’s and hers, signed a bunch of papers and then got blackout drunk), and my brother and his girlfriend probably won’t even have a “real” ceremony, just a celebration between friends and family. I love my brother and he already knows I’m gonna pull some stupid stunt, it’s what we do. His girlfriend is usually the one to initiate these shitty jokes, I wouldn’t be surprised if she was the one to stop the “ceremony” to say some shit like “WAIT THIS IS THE WRONG SIBLING”. please don’t take any of this seriously lmao

that said, i’m definitely showing up half naked to her bachelorette party as the “surprise stripper” with a sash that says “the sibling your should be marrying” and a shitty plastic tiara

toodrunktofindaurl

UPDATE:

1) for people confused about the “I’ve known her since I was born (…) she’s always been family”: She’s the granddaughter of our parents’ neighbors, we all grew up together and my brother and her have been in love since they were babies. He held her hand as she made her first steps, they even have a picture on their wall of the moment before she first tried to get up

2) IT’S OFFICIAL, I’M GONNA BE MY BROTHER’S BEST MAN. AND YOU KNOW WHAT THE BEST MAN DO? A SPEECH. Everything is going according to plan.

toodrunktofindaurl

I forgot to update this post. Probably because THESE TWO SNAKES GOT MARRIED BEHIND EVERYONE’S BACK, JUST THE TWO OF THEM, AND DIDN’T TELL ANYONE. Aka, there was no ceremony. They just went and signed a piece of paper on their own. Like I said, we aren’t big on Flashy And Romantic Weddings in this family. BUT STILL, I WAS ROBBED OF MY BIG MOMENT.

That said, they still hosted a gigantic party with friends and both families with like 100 people and a good 100 bottles of champagne & 100 more of wine (we’re French, don’t judge us). A lot of food, too. And a lot of food means a lot of napkins. And a lot of napkins means I could spend the entire night writing down my phone number on them and keep obnoxiously slipping them into the bride’s hands, pockets, plate, glass, collar etc while mouthing “call me” and doing the phone hand-motion. Which she obnoxiously answered with a fake-fanning hand motion and a wink every time, btw. My own Mother slipped her a napkin on my behalf at one point, too. My brother ripped every single napkins in half. After roughly 18 times of what was probably the most annoying running gag of all time, my brother finally decided to put me in a headlock.

Anyway, these two are still disgustingly, infuriatingly, madly in love, everyone was piss drunk and we all lived happily ever after,

The End.

toodrunktofindaurl

FINAL UPDATE, and then I’ll stop sharing my family’s private life with the entire world: THESE TWO ARE HAVING A BABY!

My idiot brother is gonna be a whole ass PARENT. AN ENTIRE DAD. And I’m gonna be an AUNT (again, for the millionth time. We have a very big family, don’t even ask)

I, of course, already love that peach-stone sized future human being more than I ever loved anything in my entire life, and I am ready to fulfill my new destiny: to be the best weird and fun gay aunt who’s always travelling and only comes home to get drunk at family gatherings.

The new and improved plan is to get that kid on the “you married the wrong sibling” family running joke. I want the kid to tell me “I wish you were my Dad” by the time they’re 15. Their Mom is already on board, as is my own Mother. My brother not so much, but who cares about him anyway.

In all seriousness, I’m absolutely thrilled for my Brother and my Sister-in-Law. They’ve loved each other so fiercely and for so long, I couldn’t be happier to see them expand their own little family by bringing a whole entirely new human being into it. I know my brother, he has always wanted a kid for as long as I can remember. His happiness is all that matters to me. And BOY, is he happy! I love my family with my entire heart and soul, and I can’t wait to watch this little nugget grow up.

The End (for real this time)