a meditation
i had a best friend whom i loved very much. but now i’m filled with a terrible apathy about him. i can’t understand how it happened—any of it. i don’t understand how we were friends at all. i don’t understand how i loved him so much. in the space of one year our relationship dawned, peaked, and bled out. we loved each other. he was the only person i knew who knew me too.
i can’t help but believe that other people did this to us.
why did they tell us we couldn’t have each other? what did they stand to gain, where we stood everything to lose? why did they hate us? were they jealous? why wasn’t i allowed to have my best friend?
i guess it doesn’t matter now. they got what they wanted. i’m gone and i’m different and i’m apathetic. we are never going to go back. he is never in my dreams anymore. i can’t recall the smell of his cologne anymore. but i do remember the sound of his laugh, his wholehearted laugh. i remember when he clung to me for fear of getting lost. i remember tears shining in his eyes and my face on his neck and the stuffy air we breathed hiding beneath his winter coat. i remember that—i just don’t feel any particular way about it anymore. and i loved him so much. i did. it’s nice not to feel the pain anymore, but moving on, i’ve discovered, is its own sort of torture. i don’t feel very strongly about my best friend anymore, but i will never forgive what they did to him.
