IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME

MY BRIGHT IS TOO SLIGHT TO HOLD BACK ALL MY DARK | Marié | 25 | Aberdeen |

[365daysofmarysa]

i’ve been not eating

and, i’ve been not sleeping

and, i don’t know how to get myself right again

i’ve been overthinking

and, teetering on the brink of

and, i am scared to finish my own thoughts again

i’ve been falling into

and, then falling out of love

and, i can’t decide by the second which one i am in

i’ve been keeping quiet

and, minding my business

and, nobody notices, that’s the part that kills me the most

i’ve kept my cards close

and, decided to let them know

and, now i regret it because i only feel more alone

…

if i’m honest

i’ve always thought of myself

as the one who is laughing in the background reel

the one whose surrounded by friends and by love

the one who no one ever would suspect

check on your happy friends

your smilie friends, the givers of good advice

and i’m not sure what to do

we’re hurting too, it’s painful

i’m not sure what to do

hah

[365daysofmarysa]

damn that’s over too

but i feel something new

i feel fine

i feel relief

i can rid myself of living life for other people

i am happy how this turned out

because now i can focus on finding my person

and i can have help with doing that

[365daysofmarysa]

Damn I’m so attached

Too late to turn back now

Spent the evening crying

But I’ll go to bed smiling now

[365daysofmarysa]

Maybe I need to take it easy

Maybe I need a little break

I’m starting feel a little crazy

It hurts a bit to feel the way my heart aches

I need to put myself in time out

I need to grab my hopes down from the moon

I’m lovesick I feel it, I’m love hungover

I’m losing my mind just thinking of you

Ya I don’t wanna talk to nobody but you

Ya I don’t wanna be with nobody but you

[365daysofmarysa]

I love it when he falls asleep on my couch

Sun setting on his face, breathe at a peaceful pace

And we spend our days yapping away about love

Force myself to look away, tongue tied with so much to say

I call you a catch and I say it again so I know that you heard me

Then under your breath, say my old guy must have been something to be so worthy

And I’ve never felt anything quite this pure bliss before

Laying next to you, I’ve never wanted to touch someone more

My heads sinks down as I curl up

You move in close to me, so close we almost touch

My hand flirts with yours and I wish you would make a move

These days all I want to do is talk to you

Come undone and melt into you

These days all I want is you

Come over

[365daysofmarysa]

I spill my guts and I regret it

I think I over shared again

Didn’t even say what I really wanted to

Already you ran and hid

…

I think it’s my purpose, to care too much

To show up for everyone, give all my love

And on the reverse, I think it’s my curse

To never be understood, to never be loved like that

It’s all I want, all I long for

Something I need, something I’m not sure

I can ever received, I can ever achieve

I love you I love everyone

But the way I see you is different

[365daysofmarysa]

On the phone till 4 am with someone new

It’s so refreshing to let it go

I tell him about myself, I can’t undo it

I trust him and I tell him that, in so many words

…

Yesterday I didn’t feel the pull towards him

But I also didn’t pull away

I told him that I’d talk to him about anything

And then I had so much to say

I told him I feel like he understands

Whatever I might think about

If four what I’m trying to say

Now sunlight spills into my bedroom

And I’m still lying awake

Because I’m thinking that it’s special

Ya I’m thinking that it’s fate

And at the least a soul connection, a friendship for all times

I don’t wanna lose him so I’ll take what I can get

[365daysofmarysa]

First time being at my sister’s house with my mind on someone new

I love it I love it I love it I love it

I’m happy I’m free I’m alive

I’m alive again

[365daysofmarysa]

Touch me again please

Idk if it’s all in my head

I look up at you and I think you see it in my eyes

Sit closer to me, let our thighs touch

I feel electric when you’re with me

Stand next to me, so close I can’t breathe

In a room with all this space

Surely we need to be this close together

I answer questions away from you

And you lean in so your eyes can find mine

It gets me every time, legitimately every time

[365daysofmarysa]

Can you come closer to me?

He touches me and I melt

I never know if it’s on purpose

But I expect to some extent it is

Today it was extra electric

I felt a spark for the first time, used to just be butterflies before

The two of us so close on one long couch

I wanted to kiss him so bad

I actually turned my brain off from the moment for a second and imagined her face if we just started making out

Idk what came over me

Ugh am I cooked

I just want to talk to him

Be with him, walk with him

Ugh i just want him now

I was never sure before this

I don’t wanna go home now

I just wanna know him now

[365daysofmarysa]

I take the long way home to spend more time with you

Guarding your thoughts so I don’t know but somehow still I do

…

You watched me in the glass when he came to talk to me

He tapped my arm and you file that as information that you keep

You let me know

You let me know when you’re ready

[365daysofmarysa]

I fall in love again

I do it all the time

But I guess it’s all just in my head

I do that every time

But it all feels lighter now

Everything fades from blue

To the perfect 9 pm sunset

And chatting through the afternoon

With you

And I’ll tell all my secrets

If I’m asked in the right way

God I want to impress you

But don’t know which words to say

I feel powerful now, stronger

Than I’ve felt in quite a while

Because I feel all the affection

You try to hide behind your smile

And after all the time I spent in prison

The very one I built by hand

I’m taking hammers to the walls now

And breathing fresh air again

And after all

After all

After all this time spent hoping for you

Could it be that here you are?

After all

After all the heartbreak and the sorrow

Am I finally done now, moving on?

After all

[365daysofmarysa]

That endless love you’ve been wanting baby

It’ll always be there for you

Love from me is not contingent

But I deserve the very same

[365daysofmarysa]

I am walking around in a haze

I need to do something

I need to fight for myself

I need help I need help

I’m sinking

Please

[365daysofmarysa]

I never wanted anything more in my life

And I never even got it

And now all I want, with every fibre of my being, is to never have wanted this at all.

…

How does this still impact my whole life?

I don’t know if I will ever be the same again.

I don’t know how i can ever get myself back to good? Let alone normal.

And it’s always the worst times. My big moments, when I’m already down, it’s always when I see things I shouldn’t have.

…

Can’t I just be positive, let it all roll off my back

Can’t I just be happy???? Please please please

I don’t know how to figure this out

I’m afraid I’ll waste my whole life trying.

I love who I am so much

I love the people in my life

I love life

Why can’t I just be happy???????

[365daysofmarysa]

Let me tell you about on of the only slices of peace I’ve known for a while

The sun is setting, flirting with the buildings on the skyline

Rays twinkling up at the few clouds above it

The sky streams in colour, the vibrancy is breathtaking

And I know it’s God. Only god could catch my breath like this.

How can I be afraid when God is on my side? How can I be scared when God is on my side.

I sit and I pray, I face the window and I talk to God.

I do this every time I see a sunset here.

I am so thankful, I am so grateful.

This is real peace. Even if fleeting, this moment is peace.

[365daysofmarysa]

I’m so conflicted

I feel unstable

So hopeful, hopeless

I can never make up my own mind

This is what I mean when it doesn’t make sense

Can’t love just be enough????