IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME

MY BRIGHT IS TOO SLIGHT TO HOLD BACK ALL MY DARK | Marié | 25 | Aberdeen |

[365daysofmarysa]

I fall in love again

I do it all the time

But I guess it’s all just in my head

I do that every time

But it all feels lighter now

Everything fades from blue

To the perfect 9 pm sunset

And chatting through the afternoon

With you

And I’ll tell all my secrets

If I’m asked in the right way

God I want to impress you

But don’t know which words to say

I feel powerful now, stronger

Than I’ve felt in quite a while

Because I feel all the affection

You try to hide behind your smile

And after all the time I spent in prison

The very one I built by hand

I’m taking hammers to the walls now

And breathing fresh air again

And after all

After all

After all this time spent hoping for you

Could it be that here you are?

After all

After all the heartbreak and the sorrow

Am I finally done now, moving on?

After all

[365daysofmarysa]

That endless love you’ve been wanting baby

It’ll always be there for you

Love from me is not contingent

But I deserve the very same

[365daysofmarysa]

I am walking around in a haze

I need to do something

I need to fight for myself

I need help I need help

I’m sinking

Please

[365daysofmarysa]

I never wanted anything more in my life

And I never even got it

And now all I want, with every fibre of my being, is to never have wanted this at all.

…

How does this still impact my whole life?

I don’t know if I will ever be the same again.

I don’t know how i can ever get myself back to good? Let alone normal.

And it’s always the worst times. My big moments, when I’m already down, it’s always when I see things I shouldn’t have.

…

Can’t I just be positive, let it all roll off my back

Can’t I just be happy???? Please please please

I don’t know how to figure this out

I’m afraid I’ll waste my whole life trying.

I love who I am so much

I love the people in my life

I love life

Why can’t I just be happy???????

[365daysofmarysa]

Let me tell you about on of the only slices of peace I’ve known for a while

The sun is setting, flirting with the buildings on the skyline

Rays twinkling up at the few clouds above it

The sky streams in colour, the vibrancy is breathtaking

And I know it’s God. Only god could catch my breath like this.

How can I be afraid when God is on my side? How can I be scared when God is on my side.

I sit and I pray, I face the window and I talk to God.

I do this every time I see a sunset here.

I am so thankful, I am so grateful.

This is real peace. Even if fleeting, this moment is peace.

[365daysofmarysa]

I’m so conflicted

I feel unstable

So hopeful, hopeless

I can never make up my own mind

This is what I mean when it doesn’t make sense

Can’t love just be enough????

[365daysofmarysa]

I don’t know how to do things without giving every part of me

I don’t know how to do anything at all

I don’t know how love is what left me feeling so heavy

My love for the world and all the people in it

I think right now I could sink all the way down tot he bottom of the sea

I don’t think it makes sense, because, logically, I’ve been doing better than I have been in a long time

And logically, I should have the time and space to finally figure myself out

But unfortunately, none of it is making sense to the reality of how I’m feeling

I just feel like I’m regressing

I tell my therapist that I’ve tried everything I can think of? But I’m stuck and I’m more sad than I’ve ever been

She tells me she believes me when I say I’m a happy person and she thinks I can try some things

But she can’t tell me what

All I want to do is figure out what’s wrong and throw it as far away from me as possible

My heart is too deep, my love is too vast

I don’t think I was made for this world

I think I spend more time in my own mind than anyone was ever meant to

I love life so much, I love people, I love the beauty in the everyday

I am so easy to please, the smallest things light me up with joy

I am so grateful to be in this beautiful world

That’s why the juxtaposition is so confusing

The smallest things set off my tears too

I don’t know what to do

I’m afraid I’ll never be the same

I’m afraid all the good that’s left in me is gone

I’m not the same person I was, for better or for worse

But I don’t care about that really

I just care if I’m happy? If I spread love? If I’m a good person

I talk to God so much, I used to just pray for everyone else

My heart was bigger than I think

Now I still pray for everyone, but myself too and it feels selfish

And it’s not even like I know what to say

I sit overwhelm and want God to sort through my thoughts for me

I guess that really selfish

But sometimes God is all I have, especially when I need someone desperately

I don’t know what I’ll do

I don’t know what I’ll do

I don’t know how to keep going without everyone

I don’t want to be sad anymore

But I’ve tried everything I can think of

I’ve talked to everyone I can think of

No one really wants anything to do with it

I don’t blame them, I don’t want that either

I just want to be happy, please

I want to go back before I met him. I’m not unhappy because of meeting him. But I don’t think my heart will ever be the same and it hurts so fucking much still. STILL? That shit pmo

And the fact that it means nothing hurts more than

I just don’t know what to do

I’ve prayed abt it so much

And prayed that when he moves on, he can heal and let the love in that he deserves

I want the best for him too

I want the best for me too

I don’t know what to do

The whole world is too much to think about

I just want to be happy

I just want to feel inspired

I just want to give love to everyone that needs it

I dont know what to do

I don’t want to waste all my time in my own head

I don’t want to waste my time being sad but I genuinely don’t know what to do anymore.

I’m so scared that I’ll always be like this. I don’t know how to be the person I think I am

Please understand.

I don’t know

[365daysofmarysa]

I thought I could get away without crying on this one

But this wounds too deep

I just want it to heal

I just want it to heal

And it’s not as potent of a punch anymore

But it will still knock me down, every time

I still love him too much

Worried it will always be too much

I wish it was enough

I wish love was enough

[365daysofmarysa]

I’ll always wish he could love me, I think

Probably until the end of time

I’ll always wish we could’ve gave it a go

Now it’s probably best I just let it go

But I don’t want to be sad anymore

And that makes me even more sad

Guess I’ll hold on to the lost hope until the end of time

[365daysofmarysa]

I have been taking time for myself

I still don’t feel like myself

I am happier than I’ve been in a while

I’m still sad

I just feel like something is always missing

I comeback to all the same things

I still miss him a lot

I don’t even think he could give the love I deserve, even if he wanted to.

I am scared abt the future

I wish I felt like I did before

I wish I didn’t know the hope of love so I didn’t need to feel its emptiness

And I hate that I say it

But I know that it’s true.

I am not someone who deals with the loss well.

I am someone who is always searching for someone to know me. I want to be known. I want to be valued. I want to be treasured. I don’t want to be easy to let go of. Because I am not. I love myself, I think I’m great. I can’t take being the one that’s always left behind anymore. I can’t take being unimportant. It’s almost comical sometimes how much it’s true.

And I’m scared that I don’t even have the time to figure it out anymore.

And I’m scared that I’ll be like this forever. I was thinking last week that I can’t raise a family like this. But then realizing I might not even have that option.

All I want more than anything is to be in love. And have a husband and raise a family, it would make me so happy. And it just feels so sad that it’s not happening to me. And the odds are that it’s not happening. And I try so hard but I don’t know what to do. and no one can give me advice.

Everyone tells me they don’t know anyone for me. I’m too good for the single guys they know. I’m so tired of hearing it.

And I also firmly believe if was skinnier I could’ve gotten a guy a long time ago.

I think my looks are a big hindrance on finding love. I’ve struggled with my weight forever. Couple it with beauty standards and aging women. I’m so tired.

I’m so exhausted by everything online. So I shut off my phone and go for a walk. All the songs are about love. Everyone walking by is in love. All my friends are I love. I am so happy for them, genuinely. I am so blessed to know them and to hear their genuine love stories. I want the world for them. I go home and cry.

I just feel like I’ll never figure it out.

I want to be enough for myself

I want to show up and be enough and make myself the happy girl I feel like someone else can make me.

But I don’t think it would be enough for me. Now I’ve tasted the hope of love, one I always wanted. Now I’ll always chase it, just like I always have. I don’t think I’ve ever felt chosen. I have always been the odd one out. I want to choose myself, I’m trying to every day. But it doesn’t fill that void, no matter how much work I do. It just feels like it’s all out of my hands. I don’t know what to do to bring love to myself. I don’t know what to do anymore.

I don’t want to be sad anymore, I want to be happy, it’s so easy for me to be happy. Just as easy for me

To cry.

I’m so worried I’ll never be truly happy again. I don’t know how to

Get there anymore. I know it can’t come from anywhere else, I don’t think think my own self is enough.

I pray all the time, it feels impossible,

Most of the time, I’m so overwhelmed I can’t even pray properly. I sit and it’s my turn to speak to god and my mind is blank, so overwhelmed. And it’s my life on repeat, overwhelmed, brief moments of happiness

I try to grow them, stretch them longer, one step forward, two back.

I’m always back where I begin.

I’ve come so far but I’m always back where I’ve been, it’s not cute, it’s not reasonable and it’s exhausting. I’m tired. I want out.

I want to be happy.

[365daysofmarysa]

But mama I love him (new)

I just wanna be the girl he loves too

[365daysofmarysa]

I think I’m in love again, with me

I think I love the way I am

What I represent

I think I’m so fucking cool

I think it’s awesome how deeply I love

I think it’s rad how smart I am

I think I’m funny, I think people who

Don’t know me, or don’t want to know me, are really missing out™️

I think it’s important how emotional I am

How I don’t let moments, or people, slip me by

I think it’s necessary to remember we are all together here

Like it or not, and it’s okay I sometimes don’t like it

I thank god for the journey He has brought me on

I thank god for the chances He grants me

I thank god that I never had to change who I was

I was always enough and enough and enough

I am in love

With me again

It didn’t feel right to be depressed

I know I’m

Good at it, but I’m much better at being happy

I love the way I care for people and I think everyone in the world deserves it

But I shouldn’t let opinions impact me

Because I know the truth

And I know the light, my god

And I know who I am, and I love her

Aren’t I lucky?

…

And it’s so sweet, bc my heart is so full

And I’m

Happy with that as it is, for now

And I can check in, without the world ripping me

apart

How lucky am I that I could get through it? How lucky am I that I could get back home?

How lucky am I? How lucky am I?

I praise god, I give thanks, I know He grants me happiness

I forgot I can go to bed smiling without someone else as the reason.

[365daysofmarysa]

It’s been breakthroughs

Feels much different

At least since the lunar new year

I feel so different

Lighter, happier, sunnier

Trying to be more optimistic

I feel like I can do anything with God on my side

I praise him Constantly

I feel like my prayers are being answered

Everything feels more natural and less anxious

I feel like I’m building the life I want

I also realized how afraid I am to let him go

Because I think he needs me, despite it all and how horrible it makes me feel

I know the feeling of being alone, I know the feeling of not believing a single person cares

And I’m afraid if I let go of him, he will be right and no one cares

But if I let go, it doesn’t mean I don’t care

I will always care and love for him

But I can’t keep holding on to people that don’t come back to me

He will be okay if I let go

I feel guilty for letting go

But I need to

I need to be free

Ill always love him and I’ll always care and letting go if this doesn’t change that

It doesn’t make him alone

It doesn’t make me alone either

I was already alone and it was just an illusion that I was not

I think this came when I was begging and asking and I think he was everything I prayed for

Except, the way he treated me was not everything I prayed for

For a long time, I was scared to let go, the other part is on my own behalf

Scared to be alone, scared that cutting off this situation would be symbolic of cutting off my last chance

But letting go doesn’t mean letting go of my dreams

It just means letting go of this weight on my shoulders

Letting go of crying in the dark

Letting go of the pain and the hurt

I need to let go.

He will be okay, I will be okay.

Love you forever, around if you need.

But out of my hands, and it’s freeing.

[365daysofmarysa]

Fade away, fade away

Fade away, stranger

And I feel better,

But I still feel bad for you

…

Run away, run away

Run away, coward

I hope you find a way

To know this type of love one day

…

I will wish you the best

until the end of time

Give me back my heart

That’s supposed to be mine

But you can have my love anytime

I don’t think you know how to take it

Because I don’t think you know how to care about anyone but yourself

Not in a derogatory way, I think it’s survivalism

I think it’s the way you were raised

But you wear it as a sense of pride, one thing I’m not sure you should be so prideful in

I’ll be your biggest cheerleader though, when you need it, I’ll still show you love

Because my love isn’t limited, it’s boundless, it’s plentiful

It’s sad you never saw that, it’s sad you let it dwarf you

It’s sad you never knew me, I’m afraid you’ll never know anyone

Because that takes a level of intimacy you hate to show

And I hope you can one day, because you deserve to know love.

Because I know you need attention, stranger

I know you need a listening ear, coward

And I’ll always give you my love, stranger

But from a distance, from a distance this time.

You’re too sharp to hold close anymore.

…

I always thought I could show you this love forever

I would stay, I would show you that you are worthy of this.

But my god, it hurts to wait around

And there’s no use standing out here if you don’t even want to see me

I’ll be here but not on your terms anymore

Still unconditional but not detrimental to me.

It hurts to love you, I still will

But I don’t hope for you to love me anymore, I just hope better for you and that’s all.

I’m ready for the chapter to end, long after you closed the book.

[365daysofmarysa]

But I think maybe,

All the love in the world wouldn’t be enough for you

[365daysofmarysa]

I don’t understand

I don’t know what to do

I can’t keep it together

I tried so hard

I don’t know where I went wrong

I don’t know how to get back on track

I don’t want to have any regrets

That’s all I can do right now

I can’t do anything

I’m not okay.

I’m not okay.

I’m scared.

[365daysofmarysa]

All I wanted was love

All I wanted was love

All I wanted was love

All I wanted was love

My whole life, that’s all I wanted

That’s all I wanted

That all I need

I can’t get it, I don’t know how

I’ll search forever

I must be broken

I’m so empty now

It hurts so much

All I wanted was love

All I wanted was love

All I wanted was love

All I wanted was love

I think it’s too much for me

This world

Too much, I can’t take it

My heart can’t take it anymore

I don’t know how I will ever go on.