365days Of Realness @365daysofrealness - Tumblr Blog

Day 34

Dec 17th

Mr. Positive and Mr. Negative

Today we watched a horror movie that got me in the mood to write again. I’ve seen so many horror movies, studied them and wrote countless essays on them… why have I never thought to write one? I want it t be a project that we can both do. I have an idea, I’m going to write it and pitch it to him and see how it goes. Today he had to write and perform a song to me. It was pretty good. I chuckled.

I’ve been feeling weird for most of the day. Something is off with us and I can’t work out what it is. He pissed me off beyond belief today when he called me frustrating when all I do is try to do is keep positive and upbeat to distract the fact that we’re still unemployed and broke for the holidays. Whether its downloading shit for us to watch, coming up with these games like the advent tasks to make every day different, or just day to day banter. There’s a lot of energy coming from me to keep things positive. And today when he called me frustrating it just made me feel like all my efforts aren’t appreciated and I gave up. I give up always being in a good mood and coming up with stuff for us to do. I’m just exhausted. I feel drained. I need someone that I can throw positive vibes at and have it bounced back on to me rather than just have them sucked away. I get that it can be annoying being in a good mood all the time especially when things aren’t going our way. But I feel like complaining and being negative all the time is worse.

Day 33 Dec 16th

Who’s the needy one now?!

The bar we had a trial day for didn’t end up calling us back even though they guaranteed us a job when we were there. Not having a job is getting me frustrated and I don’t feel like we’re being as proactive about it as we can be. This morning I had enough of feeling crap and just grabbed my stuff, printed resumes and just walked aimlessly dropping them at all the bars I could find. I was gone for like 3 hours tops when I got back Ryan was in a mood that I left without him. I’m just so sick of sitting around and not doing much. Applying for a bunch of stuff online and not hearing back is really frustrating too. I really just needed to do stuff personally and to be honest I needed to be alone for a bit. Ryan wasn’t doing anything to piss me off, I was just pissed off at the situation and rather than taking it out on him I became proactive instead. My advent task was to download the latest 3 episodes of Revenge for him to watch. I did that and I left him to watch it. I left the house to get wifi and just leave him to watch his show. I’m not up to the part he is at of the show and I’m crazy about spoilers. When I got back he was in a mood again because I left him alone again. The only reason I didn’t have a go at hime because it was actually quite refreshing that he’s being the needy one for a change. I don’t think I’m needy at all but he does. But after today’s antics I hope he rethinks what he says about me. His advent task was for me was to have sex at night. The point of this was that I like having sex before going to sleep. It takes me such a long time to fall asleep because I can never switch my mind off and sex helps me relax and tires me out to fall into a deeper sleep. We had sex at night but it wasn’t before falling asleep. He wanted to do it before his shows came on at night. Whatever… I wasn’t going to be picky about the time of sex… as long as I got some.

Day 32

Dec 15th

What is my life?

My advent task today was do a photo shoot. Ryan want to do a Christmas card to send home to his family so I thought to combine the two. This cringetastic picture is the result of that. The picture is pretty surreal for me. I'm wearing a Christmas hat and shades... Sydney is my backdrop and my boyfriend is by my side. What is my life?!

His task was to download a Marvel movie and sit through a super hero movie with me. I'm always the one that sits in McDonald's mooching off their free wifi for hours to download stuff for us to watch in the evenings. This was the only time he had to do this. He couldn't do it. So we watched Everybody Loves Raymond on TV instead. To be fair it was a pretty funny episode.

Day 31

Dec 14th

A slob and a picky eater

Our advent tasks today was for me to clean the house and for him to try new food. I not the tidiest of people and I hoped being gay and living with a guy that would never be a problem. I'm not saying Ryan is a compulsive cleaner but sometimes I has these moods where he can't be surrounded my clothes and he needs to stop the world from spinning and it can only continue when the place is tidy. It's the perfect deal for me. He's not on my ass about being tidy because he can be just as much as a slob. But when things get out of hand his Wife'o'metre goes on overdrive and he starts cleaning up and I just sit there and maybe fold a t shirt to make it look like I'm helping... but most of the time he has it under control and I'll do my part and life my legs while the vacuum swiftly cleans under and around me.

Ryan is the pickiest easter I have ever met. It's a combination of him turning is nose up to anything foreign to him and nothing being able to be compared to his dad's cooking which I'm so sick of hearing. He'll only eat certain things if his dad cooks it. I get really annoyed when he tells me he doesn't like certain things when he has never tried it. If he tried it and then told me he didn't like it I would be off his back. So this was the reason for this advent task. In the end he tried gnocchi that I was having. Not the most adventurous risk someone could take with food but it was start and it was nice to see him actually making an effort and trying it. Shocker... he didn't like it but I think that decision was made before the fork was anywhere near his face.

My issue with this has never been that he's a picker eater. Yes it sucks I can't go to nice Indian place with him or Thai. But no its not a cause for argument or even for me to be on the hunt for the next ex. I just want him to get used to or comfortable with trying new things beyond food. It's a big part of travelling and growing up.

Day 30

Dec 13th

Ever felt like you wanted to jump off a cliff mid date?

Pretty down in the dumps yesterday because it was the first time I wasn’t there for my sister’s birthday so I asked Ryan if we could do something different tomorrow just to get out the house. He really stepped up and planned a really nice walk along a couple beaches from Bondi to Coogeee. It was a beautiful walk but I could sense Ryan was on edge. And I think he was just expecting me to complain about something because every time he does something nice for me I always have something to complain about. I don’t complain… I just give constructive feedback that so next time it can be prefect. Ok I demand perfection a lot… I’m an ass I get it. But is it better for me to go along on these dates and settle for what I get or let him know how it can be better for next time. And I’m not a total dick about it all the time. I tell him I appreciate the effort he makes and I enjoy myself as much as I can.

It’s a difficult situation because I’m pretty good at coming up with date ideas and how to act on dates. If I try I can make the dullest situation bearable or even fun at times. I have also been lucky enough to be taken on a lot of really good dates and treated really well. It’s the benefits of dating a lot and playing hard to get. Where on the other hand I’m assuming Ryan’s past level of romance was showering before a grindr hook up.

From my understanding Ryan has never had any interest in maintaining anything past 1 night so I get the lack of dating experience. If things go south with us and we don’t work out… I’m hoping I’ve shown him enough how to treat his next boyfriend. I’ve heard so many times that it’s never good to spend the rest of your life with the first person you have a serious relationship with and from my experience it’s very true. My ex boyfriend was great to me. He was extremely thoughtful and really new how to show me a good time. But I didn’t appreciate any of it at the time. I took a lot of it for granted. I learnt a lot coming out of that relationship. If he knew a fraction of the stuff that I have done for Ryan he would never believe it. And only now I’m starting to experience and understand the relationship from his point of view. Karma’s a cunt.

Anyway… someone’s name was written on the sand from their boyfriend and a I made a stupid joke how I wish someone would do that for me because I thought it was really romantic. I said it in a light and jokey way. But apparently it came across in a bitchy way due to Ryan being on a edge. He was barely talking throughout the walk, may have been due to the fact that he was always a few steps ahead of me. Which I could have been annoyed at but I wasn’t. My idea of a date on a walk like that is walking side by side, maybe some cheeky hold handing once in a while and some light chit chat. I don’t think I stand alone thinking like that because all the other couples on that walk clearly had the same thought process I had and they were executing it effortlessly. I was really trying hard not to be a downer on this walk so I didn’t mention it. But that one comment that I should have kept to myself was enough to set him off… and set off a headache on him.

The walk was ruined. I could have easily walked home and just left him there and just call it a day. Mid walk I stopped and forced myself to make it better. Things have been so tense lately it was worth just sucking this one up and just try salvage the day. I went back near to where he was sitting. Climbed down a few rocks and wrote a message for him on the sand.

While I was writing the message on the sand I started smiling. Writing this on the sand so big for everyone to see is so cringe and hilarious to me. And I know it would make him smile too. And its all I want, and its all that is important. These fights we have are over nothing. I rather be spending my time doing shit like this. He saw the message. I didn’t want to argue anymore so I forced him to restart the day. We were doing the walk again as if it were the first time. I chit chatted the whole way about absolute bullshit just to keep the conversation flowing and the good vibes. And there…. the day was salvaged. I had a good time. I no longer felt the need to jump off a rock.

Day 29

Dec 12th

Beggars can’t be choosers

We had a bath today. It’s the easiest way to get off nowadays. It was actually a really nice bath. It was intimate and pretty hot. I know that if we have a bath together there's 90% probability stuff will happen. And if we shower together its a 75% chance stuff will happen. It’s not my favourite way of doing it. I think it’s pretty sad that sometimes it’s the only way it can happen… but beggars can’t be chooser.

Day 28

Dec 11th

Sex addict… or 20something year old male?

Woke up the most sexually frustrated today. Last night I was pretty sure spooning was going to lead to forking but he just kept pushing my hand away from his crotch. This morning the exact same thing happened again. I thought since last night he gave up on sloppy drunk sex again he’d make it up to me this morning with morning sex… after all I saw him set an alarm which I have never seen him do. The alarm went off... he held me tight… and nothing. I tried to initiate but again he was restricting my hand and pelvic movements. I’ve never experienced such sexual frustration that leaves me with the uncontrollable urge to punch walls. I jumped in the shower and thought… fuck it… I’ll just have wank… but mid way through it I thought... no... this would be so much better if he was doing it… I’ve done enough of this by myself… I’ll try again later.

We went into the city to hand in resumes to another bar and I had zero tolerance to pretend I was in a good mood. All I kept thinking was why hasn’t my dick been jumped on in the last 3 days when I've pulled out all the subtles and not so subtle moves that I want to do it. Not only is it making me feel unattractive, unwanted and frustrated but its making me think… Am I sex pest? and no… I’m not! Because this is the first time this is happening to me. I used to wake up to morning sex nearly every morning in my past relationships and then fall asleep to having sex… sometimes even wake up to it in the middle of the night and every time we got drunk! I’ve been spoilt in the past… and of course I went into this relationship expecting the same.

For some reason now morning sex is pretty much off the table… forget it when we’re drunk… and god forbid I touch my boyfriend’s dick in the middle of the night. We laid down in the middle of the afternoon, I turned the TV down, dimmed the lights, trousers were off and we were pretty much grinding our hard dicks against each other… and then…. bam… he fell asleep. All I wanted to do was rip his underwear off and just go for it… but I’m afraid of doing anything like that because he’s making me feel like a sex crazed maniac and also the fear of getting shut down again will be ego crushing.

I don’t think I demand sex a lot. I get that I have a higher sex drive than he does and I think I’m being very tolerable and considerate towards that. If I had it my way I would have sex twice a day. I’m not a sex fiend… I’m just a male in my 20s which I think is normal. It’s not like I’m horny all the time.. I’m only really horny when I’m drunk… and when I’m hungover… and when I wake up… or about to fall asleep… in extreme heart… in thunder storms… and after a run… and whenever Ryan touches me… even if it’s accidentally. But only those situations I’m uncontrollably horny!… maybe I am a bit of a sex pest.

Day 27

Dec 10th

The decline of dates

Today’s Ryan’s advent task was to take me on a date and do something different. I was pretty excited about this one because I plan most of our dates. At the start of our relationship he did take me on some awesome dates. It’s actually how I fell in love with him.At camp he had a car so he drove us to a town that he had heard was pretty cool. When we got there it was just a basic town, nothing much to do. The fact that he wanted to venture out into this town made me realise he had somewhat of an adventurous side to him that I wanted to explore and work on. He was really disappointed in the town because it wasn’t what he thought it would be. I remember walking down the streets and my thought at the time was “It's not my fault this is a shit town. You’re taking me on date… you should be showing me a good time regardless”. This isn’t me being high maintenance or having a TFM. I have been to shitty towns before with friends and we can still manage to have a good time and not sulk our way down a high street. We ended up having a pint at an irish bar and then he wanted to leave to go back to camp for nap. On our way back I mad him stop at a look out point. I sat on the hood of the car and chatted away and I managed to salvage the date. I dragged him into a wooded area saying I wanted to explore… which was bullshit. Don’t get me wrong… I love exploring forests and getting lost in places like that… but the only thing I wanted to explore that day were his pants. So there we were in the middle of the woods relieving sexual attention that had built up for weeks… well relieved for one of us anyway. We headed back to camp and he took his nap while I ran off to eat lunch. So I had this weird thing at the beginning of the relationship. When I’m attracted to a guy my anxiety gets so bad that I can’t eat in front of them. I don’t have body issues, I’m not bulimic… I just lose my appetite. To be honest I don’t know what it is… I just know its been that way ever since I was 14. Only a select people at camp new about this. I thought I was keeping it under wraps pretty well. Whenever Ryan would go for lunch I would go later or earlier or just sit really far away. I was pretty confident that he didn’t know about my weird food thing. But apparently he did and the reason we drove all the way back to camp was so I could eat away from him. I came to find this out several weeks later, and when I did… after the embarrassment and anger that I felt that he knew all along and never said anything I realised something… I realised that in a twisted way that is the nicest and most considerate thing anyone has ever done for me. And bam… the feels stopped creeping… they fucking flooded and drowned me. It was no longer a summer fling for me… I was falling in love with this guy. The date hadn’t gone how he planned it… but through out it his main concern was my best interests and making sure I was comfortable and having a good time.

Our dates have changed a bit since then. When I came to realise how sweet he was on that date and how considerate he was I stepped up my game. Dates with the best views of London, views of the Eiffel Tower, views of the Sydney Harbour. His date today he decided to do a wine date down by the harbour we jog too. The intention was there. The weather wasn’t. I hate the cheap wine we drink and I go to that Harbour a lot more than he does so the novelty of that view has ran its course for me. It was the perfect date… but it was the perfect date for him not so much for me. I’m not the greatest fan of wine… especially that fish egg wine on an empty stomach. Apparently I wasn’t too good at masking my thoughts because he got pretty upset by how underwhelmed I was. A date at a museum would have been great for me where we both just take the piss out of the art. Or a walk somewhere we haven’t been. I remember the note said I wanted a date that was different. I just wanted to explore somewhere new with him.

My task was to buy him something random. I told him what I was going to buy him would depend on the calibre of the date. I was going to get something from the sex shop but I think I’ll leave that for another time. I felt guilty about reacting so badly to his date and I should have appreciated the efforts more so the random thing I bought was a bottle of whisky. And to be honest it was to see if he truly did feel guilty about not having sloppy drunk sex the other night like he said. But nope. He just got drunk and went to bed… and I laid there feeling like I had just wasted $40 on a bottle of whisky for nothing.

Day26

Dec 9th.

Amo-te

Home is a mess for me. Being on the phone to my mum has left me in pieces because since I have left the whole place is falling apart and there’s nothing I can do from a distance and I’m struggling to not feel responsible for everything and everyone back there. Ryan was really good and talking me off the ledge and calming me down. He didn’t say anything I already didn’t know but he reassured me that I’m being sane and was a good boyfriend to let me vent.

His advent task was to learn a Portuguese phrase without my help and say it to me. This is pretty big deal for me. I’ve never been with anyone that has bothered to make an effort with the portuguese culture that takes up a very big chunk of who I am. I have been to him home town and met all his family. I’ve taken the time and interest to get to know all of him and his background and his roots. I would like someone that wants to be part of my life to take interest in all parts of it. So maybe learning a phrase isn’t much but I needed him to see how happy it would make me and how important it is to me. I just hope the interest continues beyond learning one phrase. He told me loved me and that I mean a lot to him in Portuguese.

My advent task was to brainstorm on a creative idea with him. I already had an idea that had come to me a few days ago so I shared that with him and it was pretty fun to bounce ideas off each other. The thing is he is so passionate about theatre and directing that throws me off a bit. He’s also surrounded himself with so many professionals that sometimes I feel stupid giving my advice or thoughts when it comes to stuff like that. I would love to work on a project with him one day but maybe I need to resolve my anxiety issues before I go ahead with that.

Day 25

Dec 8th

Handjobs and breakdowns

Today’s advent task for Ryan was to wake me up with morning sex. He had said something the night before that made me suspect this was the task for today so I went to bed pretty excited. I woke up but he was still asleep. So I went back to sleep. I woke up again so I tried to go back to sleep again. So I just laid there for about an hour… waiting and waiting. Finally I gave up and was about to get up when he felt me move and dragged me back into bed. we spooned and he reached around and gave me a hand job. A hand job…?! What are we… 14? It was pretty disappointing. Morning sex is probably my favourite and I’ve been looking forward to it for so long. I’ve done countless things I don’t like because I know he likes it… only thing I’ve ever asked for is morning sex… and I get a fucking hand job.

My task was to let him dress me. I own nice stuff so I wasn’t worried.

Later on the night he had a massive break down about being broke and me being the one to sustain us both. Our financial situation is a bit shit at the moment because there’s no income yet. But I have been able to manage my money a lot better than Ryan has which is no shock. And now I’m sustaining both of us and paying for everything which isn’t a first.

Day 24

Dec7th

Blue balled

We woke up really hungover this morning and Ryan had no memory of being a dick last night. After reminding him of everything he said and did he said nothing. No apology, no remorse… nothing. I called him out on it. It’s easy for me to forgive him for being a drunk dick but not for not owning up or making up for any of actions the next day. After calling him out on it he finally stopped feeling embarrassed and stopped being self centred he did apologise and did show a lot of remorse. To be honest I didn’t give a shit about him being a dick. I’ve done worse and I’ve definitely done worse to him. What I was pissed off about was not getting the drunk sloppy sex. It was the perfect night for it. I didn’t even get it today. Which made me even more pissed off and had zero time for his shit. We didn’t do any advent tasks today. I hate being blue balled… and when I am... all the fucks are out the window! I’ve been so good to him this week and taken him on so many dates and paid for the entire night. All I was looking forward to was to get laid.

Day 23

Dec 6th

Disney Power Hour and a Sloppy Abusive Drunk

Today was the perfect day to pull out the advent slip I have to do for Ryan. It said Power Hour! A drinking game where you take a shot of beer every minute whilst listening to a mash up of music that has been cut down to a minute a track just for the game. My plan was to do this power hour and then go out to a bar for the night to get out the house for a bit. The last time we played this was on his back deck in Pennsylvania and we ended up racing on lawnmowers. We had a really good time so I was excited about tonight. Also I think I figured out what Ryan’s advent slip was for me which I think was Sloppy Drunk Sex which works out perfectly. A lot of the sex we have is sober sex which is weird considering how often we’re drunk together. I love drunk sex because its just a lot more fun and way more kinkier. Don’t get me wrong, I love middle of the day sober sex too, the sex I have with Ryan is really good, I just want to change it up a bit before it becomes repetitive. I can always guess when it's about to happen which takes the spontaneity and the thrill out of it.

To make the Power Hour special for Ryan I downloaded a Disney music edition Power Hour and got him beers I think he would drink. And to make the Disney Power Hour bearable for me I got a box of wine. He got pretty excited about the Disney songs and to be honest I got quite into it too… I was fucked. I struggled with the game because like an idiot I had my body weight in burgers just before we started but Ryan played with no problems.

I can’t remember how this even came about but when we finished the game Ryan played me a song that his ex girlfriend Kaitlyn sang to their whole fraternity. They weren’t together at the time of it and the song was about how she was still heartbroken and thinking of him. It was a really sad song and it did get to me a bit. But what made me furious was Ryan playing that song to me and laughing through it reminiscing her performance. I can only imagine what the girl went through. I’ve met her and worked with her. It’s a bit far fetched to call her a close friend but considering the awkward circumstances of how we met (as the ex of the guy I was hooking up with) she made me feel very at ease about the situation and spoke very highly of Ryan to me when we first started dating. Yes she has her issues, but she’s a sweet girl. She's devoted to Ryan’s best interests and is a great friend towards him and doesn’t deserve Ryan’s attitude toward her right now. When she found out about Ryan coming out she ran down the halls signing “It’s ok. Ryan’s gay”. I can totally get why Ryan wouldn't like that. Coming out is difficult and the last thing you need is an ex parading down hallways singing this out loud for everyone to hear… even if those halls were full of people that had never met Ryan or knew who he was. He uses that as an excuse for laughing at her through that pain. But all the story shows me is how insecure she must have felt about that break up and how relieving it must have been for her to think that the break up wasn’t due to anything she had done but because of his sexuality. Whether that’s the real reason or not for the break up I would let her think that. Her level of insecurity needs the little self esteem it can give her.

I also couldn’t stop thinking about my past relationships. I have broken my fair share of hearts along the way and have never had mine broken. I could never make fun of someone who is still in pain because of me. I’ve done enough to make them feel like that, the worst thing I could do is boast or make fun of it. It’s not an ego boost for me. I have lied to past partners to make them feel better about the break up to to ease their pain. So to watch someone throw humiliation along with someone’s pain, that they are partly the cause of, shows a very malicious and repulsive side to them.

My reaction to him playing that song to me and the pleasure he was getting from it was not a good one. I didn’t shout or over react. I just sat there and said I think it must have been heartbreaking for her and I felt sorry for her and I think he’s a horrible person to make fun of it. I didn’t go into, I kept it short and simple and very honest. Of course he got angry and stormed out for a cigarette but I wasn’t going to sit there and fight about another relationship when our own has enough.

In his drunken state it was easy for me to change the subject and get him dressed and out the house. He had mentioned quite a few times he wanted to go out on Oxford Street which is the gay district in Sydney. The only reason I would ever go to gay bars would be to pick up, so now that I’m in a relationship they just seem pointless to me. And I feel really uncomfortable in them. But it was his night and I had already pissed him off once so I didn’t say anything. I just filled up a water bottle with wine and just drank the anxiety away.

I let Ryan choose the bar because at that intoxicated point of the night I could have walked into a Tea house or a SNM den and I wouldn’t have been able to tell the difference. But when we walked in I remembered the bar from when I was there 7 years ago. This was the bar I picked up the guy that I’d lose my virginity to that night. It was the most surreal experience being at the bar again after all that time and still remember it. Ryan and I had a pretty good time at the bar. All of the grinding, all of the vodka and all of the whisky. We actually danced loads and I really enjoyed it. I guess we couldn’t get way with that shit in a straight bar. I mean I would still do it, and I have done before because I give none of the fucks but I don’t think Ryan is there yet… He’s still clinging onto a few fucks.

The night started to go downhill when Ryan got the hiccups. I got him all the water and sat with him but they were pissing him off too much so we decided to leave which I was indifferent about. But I did notice that on the way out 3 drag queens dressed as slutty Mrs. Clause started performing on stage and I knew Ryan would like that. But mentioning that and suggesting to stay a bit longer just made things worse and the transformation into The Hulk was complete. He stormed down the street and demanded to go home by himself. There wasn’t much I could do but just let him go. I told him he was going the long way but he didn’t care. I took the short way and stopped at Mc Donald’s to grab him a milkshake to try cheer him up. I saw him on the street and tried to stop him. He grabbed the milkshake off me and raced home and locked me out. I honestly didn’t know what I had done. I know I can be a prick at times but tonight I have been doing all I can to make sure he has a good night. I was actually getting out of my own way to avoid arguments and just have a good evening with him.

He eventually let me in. We sat on the couch talking but everything he was saying to me was just to piss me off so I knew all I could do was just let him be. He told me his advent slip was to have sloppy sex with me but he didn’t want to do it. Which upset me a lot. I was really looking forward to that one, when we have sex I always hold back and this was the one chance I would feel comfortable enough not to hold back. But it also fucked my ego because I’m horniest when I’m drunk. And he’s smashed and he’s showing little interest in me. I already have this feeling at the back of my mind that he only has sex with me to do me a favour and that he would go weeks without it if it wasn’t for me. But I can’t let myself thing like that because it will give me a complex. And I know that everyone I have ever had sex with made me feel the complete opposite. I would have fights with past guys to keep their hands off me and with Ryan I’m forcing his hands on me.

I couldn’t think about shit like that, his hiccups were coming back and I could see him getting worked up again. I nearly drowned his insides by how much water I was giving him but in the end it worked. He passed out in my arms on the couch and he was down for the night. I slipped out from underneath him and just went to bed with a successful power hour session and a very unsuccessful sloppy drunk sex session.

Day 22 Dec 5th. Yet ANOTHER perfect day... Sexy bath time with a poet. Since we were pretty drunk yesterday we couldn’t do Ryan’s advent task which was to go for a jog. I had ulterior motives for this jog. Yes I do want to get him jogging to get his insides healthy but also I wanted to lure him down to the Bay near our hose which has an awesome view, palm trees and a cute cafe on a pier. He loved it. We had brunch on the deck of this cafe and enjoyed the amazing view and weather on sunbathing chairs. When we got back I sent him out of the house so I could prepare my advent task for him which I was pretty excited about. I had to bathe him. So I lit up candles on the coffee table in our living room in the shape of an arrow pointing at the bathroom. On the bathroom door I taped the advent task that said “Bathe me” and in the bathroom he would find me in the a tub full of bubbles surrounded by more candles. It was so relaxing and intimate it was actually a pretty perfect moment we shared doing that together and will definitely not be the last time we do that. His advent task for me was to write me a poem. He always says that he can't come up with creative ideas like I do to show our love for each other but he’s actually just as good as I am when he puts his mind to it. The poem he wrote me was so sweet and so funny… It ticked all the boxes for a perfect poem for me. It was amazing! Yet another perfect day with this guy… we’re on a roll here with the perfect days!

Day 21 Dec 4th Another perfect day... Luna Park edition. Ryan made me feel so good yesterday I thought I’d treat him today with a date. I googled free stuff to do in Sydney and found this awesome vintage theme park with the best views of the Sydney Harbour. It was perfect. The views were incredible and Ryan loves theme parks. This wasn’t my advent task for him. I just felt like doing something extra nice for him today. My advent task for him was actually to watch loads of Buffy... Which made me love him more because he wrote down something he’d know I would love when most of mine are things I would only like. Seeing such a selfless side to him gives me heart palpitations… but the good kind. So we decided to have a few drinks before going on the rides but by the time we were on our 4th round the rides had closed. It was a bit of a bummer but we did end up crashing a GE Christmas party and made a very drunk asian friend which was really entertaining. When we got back to the flat Ryan got a really bad headache and I could see how upset it was getting him because we were having such a good day. I didn’t want that to upset him because its nobody’s fault he has these headaches. So I let him rest while I ran out to grab Dominos for both of us. I got back and we had our pizzas while watching the Katy Perry movie and having a massive Buffy Binge. It was still a great night to end yet another perfect day with the guy that makes me the most happiest.

Day 20 Dec3rd A perfect day We didn’t wake up feeling too fresh today. Actually I have never seen Ryan so hungover. It was pretty hilarious. We had some boring tax stuff to sort out at the post office so we walked to Edgecliff which normally takes about 15minutes, but in our hungover state it took almost twice as long. The entire walk there Ryan had me in stitches. Everything he was saying was cracking me up and an old feeling started to creep up again… I was falling in love with him all over again. I’m in love with him all the time!… don’t get me wrong!… It’s just that he has these moments when he says or does something that makes me fall in love with him harder than I already am. Which surprises me because I’m already insanely in love with him… how much deeper can I fall for this guy. When we got back from our walk to the post office we had pretty amazing sex. It was probably the best we’ve had since we’ve been here. Ryan’s advent task was to draw me as a superhero. The drawing looked like a blind 5 year old had drawn it with his foot, but the writing around it describing my powers and my story fucking blew me away! It showed that he really does appreciate stuff I do for him. My slip was just to check the mail. It’s always him so today that was my job. I don’t forget to check the mail I just know he likes checking it… too bad we haven’t received anything but junk mail since we got here. I’ll leave something for him in there one of these days. The rest of the evening we just watch loads of Buffy… and that was the perfect end to an already perfect day!!!!

Day 19

Dec 2nd

Lapdances and a 5Litre Sangria

Last year during advent I would text Ryan a message every morning describing one thing I loved about him everyday for 25days. Last night I came up with an Advent game where we write down on a piece of paper 25 things we want done for each other by the other person. Every day we pick a paper out of our boxes at random and we would have to do it without revealing what it is. So last night Ryan’s paper that I wrote said I wanted a lap dance. So during the day he pulled me into the bathroom, stripped me and gave me an unforgettable lap dance on the side of our bath tub. It was the most entertaining yet hottest thing ever and I loved every moment of it. It made me so happy that Ryan didn’t even complain about it and just did it. I’ve made him give me a lap dance before and he was not happy about it one bit, probably because I couldn’t stop laughing… but enjoyed every minute of it. The paper I picked from the box that Ryan wrote was to make him a sangria. And I made him a fucking awesome one. It was so awesome we finished a whole box of 5 litre wine and got incredibly fucked up.

Day 18

Dec 1st

Decking the halls with drama and tears

We finally made it down to the beach but unfortunately the sun couldn’t make it with us. The weather was shit, but I was just happy to be out the house with Ryan. We still had a really good time people watching and splashing around and chasing each other around the sand. I felt like a love struck teenager in a 90s american sitcom being chased by my boyfriend on the beach. Except I doubt if he was to catch me he’d throw me down on the sand and we’d roll around making out. Instead he would of just thrown me down on the sand and attempted to beat me up… which to be honest I’m equally as into.

After the beach I decided to start gearing up on Christmas decorations. A little background on our views on Christmas…

Americans are over the top with any holiday and Christmas is no exception for Ryan. The whole family gets involved, the house is decorated inside and out and the adults countdown to the day as eagerly as the kids. Now none of what I’ve just described is over the top for the average family for Christmas. But in comparison to mine it is. Last year nobody could be bothered to decorate the house or even get a christmas tree. I was working back to back double shifts at work for 3 weeks… that’s 13-15 hours a day every day of the week to make sure I could fund taking Ryan around London and Paris for when he arrived at the end of the month. I wasn’t home long enough during the week to even realise nothing was being done towards Christmas. But to be honest I wasn’t even bothered. Our entire family lives in Portugal so it’s just myself, my sister and my parents at Christmas which has always been enough for me. But ever since my sister starting coming of age, less of a big deal was given towards Christmas.

For the past couple years I have been trying to still make it fun. My sister and I made a Christmas video using a real octopus as a puppet. Another year I tried to get my whole family to play charades. Another year I made Christmas dinner. Ok fair enough all of those attempts of making Christmas fun didn’t go as planned… the Octopus we used as a puppet was actually meant to be our Christmas dinner (Portuguese Problems) and the rents weren’t too happy with us playing with food… like literally playing with food. Teaching my rents to play Charades was like teaching monkeys Algebra. And me cooking dinner for Christmas involved a Turkey not fitting in the oven, cooking/burning a chicken as a replacement and delaying dinner for 5 hours. None of that may have gone according to plan but all my attempts led to funny stories that in the end did make Christmas fun, memorable but most importantly I made an attempt which showed I cared.

The atmosphere wasn’t the best last year. My dad still wasn’t talking to me since I came out to him, and I was trying to keep all of that low key from my sister and my mum because the last thing I wanted was to change the family dynamics because of me. The guilt trip attacked full force on Christmas Eve. I felt like Christmas had been cancelled all because of me, and that’s not fair on my mum but especially on my sister. I went out to nearest home depo to find a Christmas tree.I honestly thought I wouldn’t be the only person to leave Christmas Tree shopping until last minute but judging by the reactions from the clerks apparently I was and I was a horrible human being for doing so. There were no Christmas trees left; real, fake or even cardboard cut outs of ones. So I headed to the plant section and looked for anything that might remotely looked like one. In the end there was a weird looking tree lurking in the corner of the store. I have no idea what kind of tree/plant/organic mutation it was. It had three brown stems that platted around each other for about a metre. It had sad looking giant deformed heart shaped leaves dangling off its stems. It was so odd looking and different from anything else in the plant section it had its own little sub section at the end of the shelf with empty pots dividing it and outcasted from its other plant friends. And then bang!… I was feeling empathetic with fucking plant.

I grabbed it, I paid for it, and I lost half of it on the walk home in a rain storm. Nobody was home so I started desperately attempting to dress some cheer onto this dammed depressed and suicidal looking plant. It’s pathetic branches couldn’t even support the Christmas baubles so I had to tape them to the stem. I forgot to check if the lights worked so a broken 3metre light chain wrapped around the branches but the tinsel did hide the half of the plant that got lost from the walk home. The rest of Christmas kind of stayed on the same track. I had gotten my sister stuff she wanted, and for my rents I made them a photo album of my life so far with descriptions next to the pictures of my favourite times and adventures I have had and why it was all possible because of the support they have given me. I’ll admit it was made with the slight intention to strike a nerve in my dad. But I have travelled so much and done so much considering the short amount of time I have been on this Earth and I wanted to share the best memories with them but also make sure they know that all of it has been possible because of them. My mum flicked through the book and liked it but the reaction I wanted to see was my dads. He didn’t even look at it, or touch it. That hurt me more than the fact that I had to sit there watching gifts be exchanged and none of them were for me… not one. I was given money from my mum which I’m grateful for but money is such a cop out when it comes to gifts. I’m all about memorable sentimental stuff rather than materialistic stuff. I would value fluffy pink bunny socks than a wad of cash. It sounds stupid but I rather look back and remember a Christmas as the one I got those stupid socks and laugh about it than the Christmas I got money which I have no idea what I spent it on.

So enough about my cheerful Christmas and back onto today. I’m not the most cheerful and or the most excitable about Christmas but I know Ryan is which is why I had to suck it up and make an effort for him. The idea to go Christmas shopping was mine. We went around different shops to look at different decorations and compare prices. We got everything we needed and headed home. I could see his excitement to deck out the studio flat with cringe and tackiness and to be honest it was kind of contagious because I was starting to get worked up too… Although the thought of listening (or god forbid singing along) to Christmas carols drives me to reach for the nearest sharp object and jam it through one ear until it comes out the other.

As soon as we got home I said straight away that we would clean the flat first, eat and then sit down and do the decorations together. Normally I thought I’d say… fuck it… I’m off out to have a few drinks while you stay here and do whatever you want with all this crap. But I know that my view on Christmas needs to change. For that to happen I need to involve myself in it more and have fun with it. And nobody better to do that with than my boyfriend. I stepped out and got food for us to make. I rented out Frozen to add to the Christmas Spirit and purchased a few bottles of wine to ease my pain through it all. When I got back all the Christmas deco was stacked in neat OCD pile on the table with Ryan itching away trying to control himself to not get started. I would turn around once in a while and he would be picking up the boxes, reading the boxes, slowly opening the boxes. It was like watching a fat kid look at a chocolate cake that he was told he wasn’t allowed to eat.

When we had finished eating I was doing the dishes as quickly as I could because Ryan’s attempts of patiently waiting were drastically failing. He asked me if I would mind if he started putting up the tree while I was still doing the dishes. I said I didn’t mind. But it was one of those totally female moments where I said I didn’t mind but I actually really did mind and I expected him to know that and not do it! And thats when it all started going down hill.

When I was done with the dishes, the tree was up, the branches were fixed and lights were on, I was in a mood and the Ryan was completely oblivious. At this point I was trying to control my temper and telling myself not to fuck up this moment. “This is your first Christmas together. This is the first time you put up a tree together. Don’t fuck it. Don’t get in a mood and ruin this moment.” But all reason goes out the window in fits of rage… another total female moment (I’m going to start calling them TFMs). My plan was to watch Frozen, get drunk, (get really drunk), fuck around with the decorations, dress him in tinsel and Christmas balls, take selfies, make out, maybe some sloppy drunk Christmas decoration sex, but most importantly put up the tree together and all its decorations. I wanted to start a new tradition with him. I already have the tradition of one person putting up the tree and doing all the work. I want rid of that tradition.

The longer i sat there and pictured that awesome drunk Christmas movies montage of us in my head the more I realised it wasn’t going to happen at the speed he was decorating…. which was pushed me over the edge. Which started the fighting. And the screaming. And the misunderstanding. The crying. The storming out. The sitting in silence for hours. The guilt. And the trying to figure out what the real problem is. All of the elements to a great Ryan and Pedro fight (I’m going to start calling them Rydro fights). Thankfully I can be quite insightful and logical when I want to be. So I did work out that I was just being emotional and still quite sensitive about the subject of Christmas. I should have empahsised more the fact that I wanted to start and finish the tree together. I wanted to get drunk and have fun with it. I should have explained what it would have meant to me and why it was important for me to feel more involved. Instead I got in a mood and acted like an idiot and I could have avoided the TFM and the Rydro fight. I’m not going to take all the blame though. He should learn how to be patient and more considerate. In the end (3hours later) we did do the tree together and had a good time doing it. We watched Frozen. And we even listened to Christmas carols.

We ended putting up a video of a log fire and listening to carols and curled up on the couch with candles and in each other’s arms. Instead of getting smashed we enjoyed the wine slowly and civil. It wasn’t what I had planned, it was very different to my drunken fantasy but it was just as nice if not even better. When I was lying there in his arms, with a nice log fire on the TV (and the AC on full blast) I realised that I couldn’t ask for a more perfect moment. It actually set me off and I felt really overwhelmed at how amazing that moment was. I was experiencing something that I had never even thought I would experience, let alone enjoy. There was no need for all the planning and activities. The moment happened naturally and organically. I didn’t need the wine, Frozen, planned out selfies. Ryan is changing me for the better. He’s making me realise that to experience a nice moment... the perfect moment… it consists of two things. Me and him.

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