THE MUCKRAKER : EIGHTH EDITION ( APRIL 26TH, 2043 )
THIS MONTH’S EDITION OF THE MUCKRAKER MUCKRAKER IS HERE TO HELP YOU KEEP UP WITH THE LATEST GOSSIP! READ THE MARCH EDITION BELOW TO STAY UP TO DATE WITH WHAT’S BEEN GOING ON FOR THESE LOSERS AND LEGENDS.
AND REMEMBER, IF I HEARD IT, IT’S PROBABLY TRUE…OR SOMETHING.
JBIJ’S MONTHLY RANKING ( PG. 1 )
this month’s ranking includes jacob ben israel ii’s favorite establishments based on wedding attire for the puckerman-remington union…paired with commentary.
LINK - self appointed flower boy @lincolnonline pulled out all the stops with his outfit to the wedding. dare i say more heads turned his way than to the bride? we LOVE a shit stirrer!
IVY - nepotism is treating @ivystjamess well! while i’m not convinced she can pull off the whole pastel thing yet, she sure did look good as she chased julien schuester out of the venue in distress!
NOAH - noah didn’t stand out in her bridesmaids dress in the slightest, but @puckermanoah certainly proved that she could be the hot sister after changing into a little red ensemble for the reception! one question noah, where’d you get the money for a dress like that?
ELI - not sure if @eli-stjames got the memo that this was a wedding, not a funeral, but one of lima’s ex-grungiest looked absolutely stunning in black this evening. eli undoubtedly shattered the hearts of het men all over that reception!
JOEY - men typically don’t dress well and @dumbofassjoey further proved most men will go with a regular suit and call it a night. however, in comparison to his other, plain, peers, he wore it the best.
COVER STORY ( PG. 3 )
arguably the best ( or worst ) spot you want to end up on if you ever receive the HONOR of being in the muckraker. this is THE juiciest story jbi jr. could get his hands on and he promises to deliver it with integrity to his devoted readers.
NEW WWE VENUE ANNOUNCED: THE LIMA BEAN!
like most people who hail from lima, you’re stuck in that godforsaken mass text finn schuester created in high school. if you were fortunate enough to actually unmute it and check, you were able to see the events leading up to the smackdown of the century between @zoepuckerman and @ljholliday. word on the street is lj is obsessed with zoe, her ex-boyfriend, and her friends. it got so bad lj took sterling duval to visit her sneaky link, THEO BEISTE. additionally, lj was so obsessed, she banned, eli, zoe, and most hot people from the party she threw with sterling. zoe, in a very rationally way, defied that order and attended the party anyhow. within five minutes of walking in the door, she reminded partygoers just who she is by physically handing lj her ass. here in lima, we appreciate a fight, love a good girl fight, and adore zoe puckerman even more when she’s punching weirdos! lj tried to fight back, but, meh. i once again commend zoe for acting in honorable fashion, and condem lj for being a stalker. if anyone has a video of the fight, please email it to [email protected], we’d love to post it!
MORE HIGH SCHOOL SWEETHEARTS SPLIT, JOEY MOVES ON RAPIDLY!
earlier this month, one of few gay couples to make it out of that godforsaken town called it quits! eyes and ears have given little confirmation as to why @angel-alexanderr and @dumbofassjoey went their separate ways. as intriguing as that is, the juiciness of the story doesn’t end there though. apparently joey bounces back just as quick as he throws his ass back, because sources say he’s got himself a little nyc rat. @ziggilbert is a bartender and nyu student. talk about a mysterious hottie! the two were spotted together at callbacks and while we at the muckraker can’t say we’re wishing them the best just yet, we can say that we appreciate their ability to be messy. and to dearest angel, don’t cry too hard, what did you think was going to happen after you and “hoey” hummel-anderson broke up?
RUMOR MILL ( PG. 5 )
it’s common knowledge the muckraker operates under the assumption that if something is said it MUST be true, but in the rumor mill jbi jr acknowledges the top EIGHT rumors that he’s heard going around in a few concise bullet points. because if he’s heard it, the student body should have to hear it too!
did you hear @phoenixharper saved 7 kids from a burning building this weekend? i heard she started the fire because she’s an arsonist, but that was nice of her!
@meadowsbukowski is reportedly providing cannabutter with the breadstix she’s serving. all you have to do is ask for her number!
rumor has it @samuelchangx hasn’t released any promotion for his new album because he’s still hung up on some hottie from lima.
@heidianderson didn’t come home for the wedding, not because she wasn’t invited, but because she’s got a bun in the oven.
another competitor in callbacks open mic night told us @frannyfeltera steals her jokes.
@rockyremington claims to have some hot new arm candy, but showed up single to the wedding. what’s wrong, rocky? does she go to another school?
sources close to @kadenfabray say he’s been replaced by a clone!
@sterlingduval is finally going to do something with her life by starting up her own company of sex toys that she’s calling daddy issues!
COME BACK NEXT MONTH, IN THE MEANTIME, KEEP STIRRING UP MUCK!