365oneliners

One new one-liner for every day of the year.

[loserbeam]

It’s the last one of the semester! Our seniors will cry, our sketches will make you laugh, and I’ll be tweeting up a storm at hofstraTNL. Watch online at the above link. Show starts at 9. Come play with us!*

*We will haunt you.

[365oneliners]

I'd watch it, tbh

[365oneliners]

My real passion is roller derby disco dance-fighting.

[365oneliners]

I like funfetti cakes because regular baking doesn't make me question my manliness enough.

[365oneliners]

A penny saved is an act of gratuitous cheapness.

[365oneliners]

I have a different-colored moleskin mini-notebook for each of the various ways I should kill myself.

[365oneliners]

I don't tell people that I've been keeping all the hair I've ever had cut in ziploc bags in my closet.

[365oneliners]

I'm really into organic products. That's why I started making my own soap out of dead people.

[365oneliners]

I fill the bio section on dating websites with quotes about me from other people.

[365oneliners]

Does Auschwitz have a gift shop?

[365oneliners]

I just got depressed at how excited I am to count my loose change.

[365oneliners]

The 90s called. They said they'd become personified and would like to be left alone.

[365oneliners]

Art would be totally shitty if metaphor wasn't a thing.

[365oneliners]

Forehead keeps bleeding and you don't know why? Stop drinking.

[365oneliners]

If your hair falls out in clumps, you're probably unhealthy--but hey, you can totally freak people out by yelling, "I'm so mad I could tear my hair out!" And then doing it.

[365oneliners]

As the Dutch say, "een geit neukt."

[365oneliners]

To feed an ass, one needs but his fingers.

[365oneliners]

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, I will not hesitate to stab you.