Crippling anxiety and depression throughout the year has taught me something interesting. My head cannot be trusted. But if short of giving me even more complicated problems. I cannot trust myself nor make any sense from whatever comes out of my mouth. My headspace is always scattered, not in a good way. My memories are compromised due to too much hallucination.
Although over the years I can distinctively tell the difference between what’s a hallucination or not, the idea that even my memories are not reliable, is too pitiful. Too humiliating. As if my brain doesn’t want me to exist at all, to have a reality. As if my whole system is compromised and I failed as a human being. I don’t even understand the steps to take and not to take.
Not to mention my autoimmune making me barely have enough blood to keep me alive. With the crippling mental illness and physical illness, and also a master's degree I obtained with my blood sweat and tears, I am confident not only that I fail as a human being, I shouldn't even exist.
I lost count of how many times I gutted myself out. I also have no idea how many hours or even days I've spent lying on the bathroom floor ever since I wolfing every medicine I have.
The effect was exactly like I imagined.
I just didn't expect as in today I have some energy to stand up and clean myself from any type of fluid you can imagine that has escaped of my body.
I read an article about how people are not aware dangerous it is to not take your antibiotics seriously. How are you supposed to drink it at the exact time of a specific condition or is your body going to become immune to the antibiotic. When comes to worse and you need antibiotics, it won't affect you at all, and slowly your body's going to succumb to your illness and you're passed.
As I was sitting on the cold bathroom floor trying to take a shower and clean the bathroom floor, I kept thinking about that antibiotic article.
I also wonder, what else can I do to finally have the peace I've been longing for?
The bells, the cannons, the houses black withe crepe,
all for the great Harrison! The citizenry of Washington
clotted the avenue–I among them, Solomon Northrup
from Saratoga Springs, free papers in my pocket, violin
under arm, my new friends Brown and Hamilton by my side.
Why should I have doubted them? The wages were good.
While Brown’s tall hat collected pennies at the tent flap,
Hamilton’s feet did a jig on a tightrope,
pigs squealed invisibly from the bleachers and I fiddled.
I remember how the windows rattled with each report.
Then the wine, like a pink lake, tipped.
I was lifted–the sky swivelled, clicked into place.
I floated on water I could not drink. Though the pillow
was stone, I climbed no ladders in that sleep.
I woke and found myself alone, in darkness and in chains.
Everytime I came back here, it’s always the same thing: mental health going down the drain.
The verge of giving up and holding on for one more day become very very exhausting. Until I had several panic attacks and got me thinking, how much more of “one more day” I can handle?
Though my job is great, my friends are amazing, my current relationship is going steady, but I can’t really help but still feeling so helpeless and worthless.
I have no idea that being a lecturer can be so great, talking and connecting to my students give me such great joy. Until I realize such an unstable person shouldn’t have this much power over human beings. I’m lacking in a lot of things which I’ve been trying to improve myself for a year now, but the feeling of being an unworthy lecturer keeps following me like a dark shadow. Not to mention my subpar skill that I’m 100% sure my students can see right through me I’m not qualified. I can’t shake it off.
One thing leads to another, I keep getting this psychosomatic that effects me physically - beside regular panic attack. I get tired easily, I get sick more often, made bad choices, bad handling money when I used to be so good at saving up, I gain like 17kg in 6 months, several skin breakouts, etc.
I hate looking myself in the mirror. I’m not excited going out since there’s limited clothes that fit me.
I tried new hobbies but most of the time it failed miserably. I tried changing meds and doctors to find that feels right to me, but nothing helps. I’m done trying to wear everybody down with nothing but more depressed shit updates coming from me.
I swear to god I’ve tried. God shoud’ve known how much I tried.
It feels like there’s a giant icy wall that keeps my eyes dry and teary at the same time.
The worse thing about a dead relationship for me is when I have to live like nothing has ever happened and it's fucking bizarre.
That person was a dream come true. I had a crush on her since mid-school and adored her through social media for years and years. I never even realized I have a crush on her since back in those days, I didn't even know I'm a pansexual.
Years later after knowing and fully accepting I'm mentally ill and have a different sexual orientation than others around me, through several failed relationships from any kind of genders (or gender spectrums), apparently it became clear when my therapist said I'm an aromantic.
Specifically, a lithromantic.
The more I was trying to prove to my shrink (or myself) I can be in a romantic relationship, the more it proved that I couldn't since I keep self-sabotaging my relationships. For starters, because I keep pretending and cosplaying as a romantic in a monogamous-romantic relationship.
And one day, by some odd magical moment, I got involved with my long-term crush and........... the relationship wasn't even as half good as I imagined how it would be. Unfortunately, it was very obvious since she found me in one of my worse conditions I've ever been in, I was to blame for the relationship falling apart.
I keep putting my relationship with her in jeopardy just because I've completely given up on the idea of getting better (physically, mentally, and as a person in general). And along the way, I just become a person I always despise. An ignorant.
There's nothing going around in this. I keep making people's mental health sinking and sinking without noticing it. I hate it.
So my dearest and favorite Pikachu, I hope you can forgive me. I'm sorry I'm too much of a coward and I just can't bring myself to see you or hearing from you just yet. Despite your endless effort and kindness, I'm just too petty to accept your unconditional love, since my heart is just too small for this world.
Especially from a kind person like you.
I love you. As much as a lithromantic can love a person. I'm sorry it's never enough.
Well. The video sums up what happened to me. Out of context, I really love how he/she/they have a Van plushie.
I kinda lost count how many time I've done the attempt. Also making the definition of selfharm and attempt also kind of blurry, since it wasn't my intention to attempting, I was just doing the usual selfharm.
So basically, I can't really die.
I still don't want to live.
Everyhing hurts. Everything and everyone are hurting me. Unintentionally, of course, but with all this mental illness going on, the nonstop anxiety, the nonstop depression, anything but kindess is painful.
People be saying mental health matters until I'm showing non-relatable symptoms, such as:
1. Unprovoke rage
2. Unapologetically say "I don't care if [insert name] die"
3. Disassociate and avoidance
Being hopeful is a skill. If you still have it in you, use it well.
I guess the saddest part about all this, I'll never get to experience Snezhnaya or see Tsaritsa. Also, I hope someone will take care of my Ganyu for me. God knows how much I love her.
As my confidence got destroyed bit by bit, and when I realized, it’s completely gone. I’m just a walking anxiety. I feel like God stood me up a long time ago. I kinda get why Lucifer didn't want to bow down to humans because let's be real, humans are the worse thing ever happened that ever exist.
"God didn't stood anyone up. He just never on anyone's back, or else, He would never let anything or anyone wants to stop existing because it hurts."
This is why I'm so comfortable with my shrink. I'm not much of a religious person, but I do believe God exists as much as I don't want to. I can't stand those fucking believers who keep saying everything happened for a reason.
I don't need a reason to be sexually assaulted at 9 years old and again at 11 years old by a ‘so-called’ family. I don't need to be stronger at a young age. The only things that are supposed to make me stronger are vitamins or vegetables.
I don't need to have traumatic experiences. I don't need to tolerate each of my family member for giving me PTSD and making me walk on eggshells my whole life. I don’t a reason why I’m trapped in broken home family who’s so self involved with their own issues to give zero fuck to anyone else.
I don't need a reason for bad things that ever happened to me. Sure, it is inevitable, but even with my best effort, I can't even be strong enough to let it go.
I don't want to be the person I want today. I want to have a fresh start, I want to be a good decent person whose heart won't hate everything on sight.
As much as I tried my best to recover, physically-mentally-emotionally-financially, it's just not happening. And in all honesty, I gave my best for the last 5 years, I swear to God I did, but I'm always right back to where I started. I’m done looking if I’m worth it. There’s just no chance of recovery for me.
So I guess this is it. Thank you to everyone who’s been on my side, who's been listening to me during hard times, those who trust me enough to call me whenever to listen to you, my Genshin coop buddies for making me being a real-life Traveler in Teyvat.
Being the selfish person that I am, please tell me I did great and think of me fondly.
I'm so used to being so comfortable around you, never understand nor figure out if this is love or not.
But you're the person I look for when I heard good musics and new things I'm obsessed with. You’re the person I think of every now and then, before sleep and right after I wake up.
I guess if we meet again in another multiverse, it would be so nice to fall in love with you again and be clueless for years all over again.
In this global pandemic and not-official-towards-world-end, everyone must feel burnt out. But I’m burning out for one specific reason: any type of relationship.
Cold shoulder, silent treatment, second guessing anyone by your parent, friendship, any relationship is nothing but a hell hole for a person diagnosed with anxiety and abandonment issue.
One sentence that keeps me sane and going is:
“Remember. No matter how big your problem is, it’s not my problem“
Also, my problem is mine alone. I’m so burnt out being left alone by my caretakers, people I consider as my own, my people, etc. Now, I’m done. I’m done trying. I’m not gonna look for anyone. I’m tired plucking up courage to ask for help. I’m tired being brave.
I’m done.
People keep destroying my confidence over and over about the relationship I thought I had. People keep taking pieces of me even though I tried my best to keep them myself.
I’m nowhere, I don't belong anywhere and to anything. I have no confidence of having self worth. I’m done.
Things about perspective, it never really sat down with me why we have to have more perspectives to be a decent person. The more perspectives you’re having, the more confusing whatever you’re feeling.
Nothing is more annoying than being emotionally confused where not even a single research paper or science can help. That’s why they invented shrinks, I guess. Goddangit.
Maybe it’s because of the pandemic. Maybe its because of my my clinical depression is getting worse and worse. Maybe even the two of them combined, but it’s been a year where I just can’t get perspective.
Everything feels so ginormous, everything feels like a thick tall skyscraper, everyone seems like titans. Everything is too big and it makes me feel small. Or I’m on the lowest ground even though I tried my best to get higher or event different perspective.
The thing about wanting to die, or suicidal, or whatever it called, sometimes it’s not just because I’m exhausted for being alive. Although, yes it’s true without a doubt, it’s not really the main reason for me.
After I got diagnosed with MDD and Schizophrenia, I thought it makes sense I always feel empty or too much for years. I fear absolutely nothing since there’s nothing to lose when you barely care for your own life. Along the way, I realized it’s incredibly scary to have a massive effect on someone’s life, especially due to suicide.
I tried my best to prepare my suicide to not be a burden to anyone. I hired a lawyer to make sure my family won’t need to take care of anything. I have a doctor to make sure my family understands. Everything was well planned.
Until one of a dear friend of me committed suicide 5 hours after I just hung out with her. The damage was................ intense. I have no idea how to describe it. All I know is how much of a useless friend that I am from letting it happened. How much I keep thinking I’m one of the many reasons of her suicide.
This might sound very self-centered and narcissistic, but I believe I’m very well-loved by my surroundings. I’m also very egotistical to still wanting to be included in their life. I still want to know how they’ve been, how they feel, their life, everything. As much as I tried with my best effort, I can’t ignore the feeling of the fact, I deeply care about them. So as long as the people I love the most are still willing to be by my side, it’s fine for me to be ignorant about their safety for being around me.
But then what?
What’s that all about?
It’s not like my existence gonna do much, people that I love will still be alive anyway, or even better, they will strive better. So my whole existence is just unnecessary.
It’s so unnecessary, from time to time I keep asking why I’m still here. It’s so unnecessary, I less and less have respect for my life, my being, my existence. It’s so unnecessary and I’m incredibly exhausted from just being awake.
It took 5 hours to reply to one email that normally took only one minute. Taking a bath and eat three times a day are - as pathetic as it sounds - achievements for me since for years I only ate once or twice a day. Some days I can even go 4 days without eating. After years of that eating disorder, it messes up my organs.
I got insomnia where I didn’t sleep for 3 days straight, it worsens my Schizophrenia. Some days, I overslept by sleeping 22 hours a day for a month, only woke up to pee or drink some water. Took me days or even weeks to prepare myself just to go just to hang out with a friend.
I keep looking for an answer, but the answer is already in my question. Me being alive is just unnecessary.
The only reason now I still want to be alive is just I don’t want to cause more trouble since I already am by being alive. It’s already a burden to everyone else, including me. By giving them a reason to doubt themselves when I succeed commit suicide.
And I hope that reason and being that self-centered and egotistical, is enough permission for me to stay alive.
