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[4142025]

I wish you would come back and be what I wish you were.

[4142025]

I chased a thunderstorm without you. I know our time has been over a while now. I needed a reminder,

I can make magic for myself.

[4142025]

I looked hard for someone who was not looking for me. We meet briefly. You decided to walk onwards.

Now I will be who I should've been all along.

I saw the stars in you. While you saw nothing.

[4142025]

If you just wanted to sleep with me you didn't have to use me and lie. Just say that's all you wanted.

Or worse you just changed your mind. How do you change your mind from me?

[4142025]

Who taught you?

Who taught you love is sweetness, kindness, loyalty, self erasure?

Love is also obsession, pain, demanding, chains of longing.

You were taught to love someone so hard you stop existing.

Dissolve yourself.

You are the salt in a glass of water.

[4142025]

The angel laid down. Her wings to her side. She could not sleep. The choir around her comforted her with the clicks, and trills, and chirps. Yet, words did not stop the tears. For her God had cast her out long ago. She wandered with a message for no one but herself. Her own halo lit the way in the caves. Her own halo matched the shining of the stars. Her crime was only wanting to be loved for who she was, not what she did. Another would wiser this someday. Stroke her cheeks. Ruffle her feathers. Smile as they handed her a cup of coffee. While she wrote and danced and lived.

The sea was always there, wide and deep. A better version of the sky. Just as attended to by the sun's rays.

[4142025]

I want to touch the curve of your shoulder blade. Trace the side of your waist. Instead I am here trying to love myself. (Why did I let one night make me so sad? The tarot reader tells me it is not about, you. The problem, in this case, is the love I want to recive.) It can not be found in you because your hands are full of cold empty money.

[4142025]

Is longing a connection to the divine? My heart whispers, no. The air around me seems to disagree.

[4142025]

I deserved better than these people who abandon me. I wish I could love my best friend the way they want but it is an act of love I do not let them settle. Neither of us.

[4142025]

You deserve someone who reads your messages and replies within a day. Who helps you when your sick. Who cuddles you instead of just sleeping with you a leaving. Who doesn't say that things are fine and then shuts you out for weeks. Who buys you medicine for am infection they caused. Who makes time for you. Who buys and brings you coffee.

[4142025]

I don't need to do everything I can to keep you. The right person would make an effort, not excuses. Unlike my abandonments when I was small, I do not rely on you to survive. I have myself for that.

[4142025]

I wrote you love letters in my head everyday.

Your replies to my messages were empty. Empty. Empty.

[4142025]

Everyone wants kids but me who already raised them so maybe love just isn't for me

[4142025]

Just slap me across the face as hard as you can if I ever like anyone again.

[4142025]

You held me like you loved me. Or at least liked me. And then decided. It wasn't worth it. I wasn't worth it to you. Immediately.

[4142025]

I hope someone steps on your foot tommorow.

[4142025]

You weren't right for me in a sea of wrong things.

You were also just another wrong thing.

My life has been a sea of wrong things.

Wrong friends.

Wrong job.

Wrong home.

Wrong town.

(I am carving an escape. I am mapping out a plan in the blood your wounds gave me. I started the map months before you with my own blood)