It takes a long time for me. A long time to trust. A long time to love. A long time to get over things. A long time to fall out of love. I’m moving. To a place I never once in my life pictured myself. But I hope it hurts less there. Everything here reminds me of us. Everywhere I go is tainted with pain. I’m going to a partial hospitalization program. 8 hours a day monday through friday of intense therapy. I do intake on the 11th. My anxiety has gotten to a point where I can’t function. Valium doesn’t work anymore for my panic attacks which are daily, so I don’t take them anymore. I quit my job. I quit working with the kitties, which I loved so much but my anxiety makes it so I can’t leave the house some days. I don’t talk to my friends. I don’t reach out for help. Frey sees me suffering and asks me what she can do to help but there’s nothing anyone can do. I feel like I’m drowning. I can’t breathe. I sleep all the time just so I can escape the pain. I’m trying everything to make it livable. I bought a journal and I’m scheduling and tracking everything. We fixed the playstation so I could have minecraft but I can’t focus on it for more than 10 minutes. I went to the ER on sunday and sobbed to the doctor about how much it hurts, how I can’t breathe, how I can’t live like this. He gave me lorazapam and a pamphlet on panic attacks. So I researched PHP programs on my own since I can’t handle inpatient, and found one through Ascension in Racine. I honestly don’t know what’s wrong with me. I need help though. I need SOMETHING. Anything. I’m drowning and I don’t have much left to keep this up.
