@608saf - Tumblr Blog

Do you have boyfriend

Nope

you publicly humiliated me out of spite, you told me you wanted to make me feel how i had make you feel.. all i did was live to make you better. i was devoted day after day to see you happy. such a difficult task because you embodied sadness.

a man will never be truly happy until he feels accomplished, until he can provide.

although you had immense potential, i knew you weren’t in that place in your life yet. you had the desire to succeed and i made the choice to support you in the process. i was your emotional support. many times you expressed how much you hated your life and contemplated quitting. i don't think you can comprehend how much it drained me. i wasn't myself anymore. i no longer was the positive and energetic girl you first met. the girl you were attracted to and supposedly fell in love with. i became a reflection of you. i became negative. i became depressed. i became all the traits i tried so hard to help you overcome.

shamefully, i became someone i did not want to be. while you on the other hand, took my light. maybe i should have let you go long before i did.

there is no worst feeling than being used by the person you love.

at first, i didnt want to admit it, part of me felt you had loved me very much.

as months progressed after we parted ways, and after conversations i had with people that knew US, it became evident you indeed used me. when this realization occurred i became ashamed of what we had once shared, ashamed for having vouched for you. ashamed for trusting you with all of me.

you were the only man who had ever seen me cry. the only man i had trust with my fears of failure. my shame was so strong that i avoided certain people and certain places. all because i feared questions that would arise in regards to our broken relationship. how could i look at friends and family and admit that they were right about us?

i did what many people do in an anxious mental state, escaped the only way i knew how..

i went on countless dinners, clubs, and meaningless dates. i became cynical about love. i started to have selfish thoughts. i traveled outside of my comfort zone. sometimes those nights were my favorite, the nights in which i forgot you name. i felt what it was like to be free again.

unfortunately, that freedom was only temporary, i would wake and find my heart still bleeding for you.

i knew i needed to heal myself from within.

i couldn't cry for you anymore.

of course time would heal my wounds but even with the lack of tears my spirit still ached from the resentment. its as if all the love i once had for you turned to hate. this hate weighed me down and i knew it wasn't who i was. i wasn't the kind of woman who hated others. i was the kind of woman who forgave.

i was the kind of woman who believed in LOVE.

Loving to the point of selflessness.

i turned to my creator and prayed for my spirit to let go of your spirit all together.

in my solitude i prayed for strength to forgive you. i prayed for wisdom on how to control my emotions.

when i took the steps to forgive you i began to see the blessings that were in store for me. i also realized there was a purpose behind all the heartache. i started to see there was a purpose behind all the heartache. i started to see myself clearly, the same way i learned to see you through your actions.

then, my hate turned to empathy, and i did the inevitable, i prayed for you.

the moment i allowed myself to speak blessings onto your life was the same moment i felt my heart begin to heal.

bergdorfsworld

you stabbed my heart when your empty eyes looked at me and said that love was not enough.

i was speechless, to love me was everything. in my life love was you and love was us.

there were times i was convinced you loved me desperately. convinced you needed me. but to need someone is dangerous, especially for a man.

we were so in sync, you were my best friend. we were consumed by each other.

a man needs to feel like a man, when he finds himself depending on a woman he can begin to feel emasculated.

i did that to you, i did that to us.

my only desire was to help you become better, for you to be the man that i felt was hidden inside of you. i failed to understand that perhaps you weren’t ready to be the type of man i was seeking. it didn't matter how much i tried to make you happy, to make us happy, i was continuously going to fail.

i failed, i should have accepted you for you, instead of trying to make you into a better you. although you must admit that my motivation translated into a more successful “you”. but you needed to find you “better” on your own, without me advising you on what to do. but how can you love someone the way i loved you and let them take the wrong turns, down wrong roads?

after our breakup you expressed you and i could never be anything else if we weren't together. that was difficult for me to hear, considering you were my best friend. the notion of being strangers shocked me and hurt me.

who was i going to share the details of my days with?

who was going to listen to me ramble on about my ideas?

who was going to challenge my mind?

who was going to bother me about eating more?

because the same way i had taken care of you, you took care of me.

parts of me have wanted to call you, or text you.. asking you to come back and fight for me, to fight for us. the idea that when someone loves you enough, you won't have to ask, they will stay on their own.

im a helpless child mourning the death of everything you were in my life.

the death of my friend, my lover, my partner, the father of the child we never had.

a sense of loneliness enveloped me, when i realized that perhaps you were right. maybe you and i could never be anything else other than together. for we had reached a deep, intense level of love and stories like ours sometimes just end without proper goodbyes. stories like ours are lived and left to dry with unanswered questions.

and so we have become strangers, exactly what i feared. you went on with your life and seemed not to be affected by the loss of me.

i know i appeared to have moved on fast, but there wasn't a day i did not think of you. there wasn't a day i didn't feel the ghost of you lingering around me.

even with feelings of anger, loss and failure i understand that erasing you from my memory means loosing the girl i was when i was with you. and although I'm not that girl anymore, i want to remember her. i want to remember her spark and that smile you brought out in me. the same way i want to remember the man you were, the man i knew, the man i loved to deeply.

#post #mypost

Anyone there?

yes.

you are so nice like i live for your tweets and answers on here

thank you.

You have Kik or anything

no.

We need to meet

one day maybe.

i’ve seen honestly in your eyes. i laughed with you. danced. you made me smile. i made fun of your laugh. i listened to you. i heard you talk about what you loved and the man you wished to become.

i took care of you when you were sick. we developed a bond. still, it didn't matter what i did and what i felt we shared. you were not yet a prince, but still a frog.

When we first met i knew i wasn't ready for a relationship. I've come to understand that every person comes into our lives for a specific reason, and it was destiny for us to meet. i learned to do more things like read and i found religion through you. you inspired change in me.

at that time i seemed concerned about all the wrong things. yes, i was a truthful person, i cared about others and had desire to plead God; but when it came to the opposite sex, i had it all wrong. i gave more importance to nursing the physical over the spiritual. physical attributes or the chemistry under the sheets does not keep the man. a woman is beyond the physical. a woman is beyond the clothes she wears, beyond her makeup or perfect hair. of course a woman should always take care of herself but in the end those things can change at any given moment. the core of who you are as a person is what remains. a woman heart should serve as an example to her family and the world.

at time i was immature, sometimes acted out of spite. i listened to my friends more than i listened to my heart, and sometimes i listened to my heart more than i listened to my mind. i tested your trust, and then the end.

of course i loved you and was ready to take the relationship more seriously. at that point i would have done many things for you but i still had a wall that i had built. i felt that becoming an independent woman was to not depend on any man.

the truth is i always wanted you. you've never taught me anything unforgettable and you have always given me a certain passion. always the most perfect kiss, the perfect touch.

i missed you terribly. i missed you to the point i had insomnia filled nights. i didn't know how to rip you out of my heart, because the truth is i cared for you more than my pride would ever allow me to admit. still even in the midst of missing you i did, i was selfish and could not see my contribution into why we failed. i only saw you and “your ways” and all the reasons you were still a frog. i wanted to place all the blame on you. you had your demons. i had mine too. i failed to see that a real woman speaks to the king in the frog. a real man speaks to the queen in the fly. and we never did that for each other. we attacked eat other, focused on our weaknesses, but didn't make each other necessarily better. we were selfish and love isn't selfish, love is meant to be self-less. i understood that i had lost you. i couldn't turn back the hands of time and dissolve the mistakes i made with you. i couldn't take back the terrible things i said. words are powerful and i hurt you with them. i couldn’t turn back the hands of time and dissolve the mistakes i made with you. i couldn't take back the terrible things i said. words are powerful and i hurt you with them. i couldn't take back the disrespect. you couldn't turn back the hands of time and be a better man, because what was done was done.

something stirred my insides, my way of thinking and my way of loving. i began to soul search and i began to realize my mistakes and i vowed to be a different girl for the next man in my life. i decided to walked the line. i chose to become more of an example. i chose to nurture my spirit and my gifts. i chose to wake the goddess that lived in me.

why would a girl want to be treated like a princess or the woman want to be treated like a queen? when there is a rare species that prefers to be treated as a myth. for why would i want to be a mere mortal if there is a Goddess that lives in me? i realized the immense potential of the woman in me, and i made a choice to become her, the woman i yearned to be.