Time Flies Like An Arrow;Fruit Flies Like A Banana

Okay, here we go...My URL is references to a bunch of fandoms.. 60: Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip; Who: Doctor Who; West: West Wing; bfu: Buzzfeed Unsolved; 99: Brooklyn Nine-Nine My Title is from Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip. However, I don't post as many West Wing And Studio 60 stuff as I'd like, so i apologize for that. About me: Im 20, My name is Rachel, and I live in the States, but please don't hold that against me.

[cheeseanonioncrisps]

Your partner came back from the dead after being missing for decades. Every one of their friends who they went with ended up dying a horrible death.

Now, somehow, their entire mental health is based on the continued life and happiness of this fairground goldfish that they picked up.

Neither of you know the first thing about how to care for even a healthy fish. This fish has been poorly cared for, has multiple diseases and the person who handed it over explicitly didn't expect it to live nearly as long as it already has.

You're frantically googling how to set up a fish tank, where to buy fish food, can you even take a fish to the vet? Your partner wants you to know that they're happy they made it home and survived their horrific ordeal, but also that if anything happens to the fish then they're going to kill everyone on this planet and then themself.

You're honestly wondering if you're even helping the fish, or just prolonging its suffering, but your partner will only accept medical help for their many injuries or engage in basic self-care once they're confident that the fish is being looked after.

So you get a tank. You set up a filter and all that stuff. You learn way more than you ever wanted to know about water temperature and ph and nitrate levels. The fish is safe. You start to develop some affection for the little guy. Your partner begins to recover. The fish begins to recover.

Which is when you learn that in its 'healthy' state, the fish regularly refuses to sleep when tired, keeps begging for food that is obviously unhealthy for it (and struggling to eat the food that you do provide because “it tastes gross”), and continually tries to persuade your partner to take it out of its nice safe tank so it can go explore the wonderful world of Outside, where the slightest mishap will kill it instantly.

Your name is Adrian, and you kind of wants to strangle this fucking fish, statement.

[annikathewitch]

Okay, as much as I love Rocky extending Grace's life without telling him, consider: Rocky *does* tell Grace, Grace just then somehow manages to like. Horrendously misinterpret what the treatment is actually for. Like.

Eridian Doctor: We went through the human genome and found a bunch of places with old broken DNA repair mechanisms so we came up with a gene editing therapy that fixes them in order to extend your lifespan.

Grace: *flashbacks to when Rocky found out that humans can experience long term effects from lower doses of radiation exposure and Grace wasn't being as careful as he should have been back when they first met because he still thought this was gonna be a suicide mission*

Grace (internally): Oh, so cancer prevention! Got it!

Grace: Sounds good!

*like 100 years later*

Grace: Hey Rocky, how am I not dead yet?

Rocky: ???

[pig-lota]

Eridian doctor: this treatment will increase your bone density to prevent them breaking

Grace internally: Oh right, low gravity can cause bone degradation. Makes sense that after so long in space it'd be good

Grace: sounds good to me!

One modification to the LPR5 gene later

Grace falls off a cliff

Grace: Hey why didn't I break any bones???

Rocky: ??? We made your bones strong statement

They add more salt or something to the water in his enclosure so that he can still swim comfortably despite the increased density.

[princessrhcenyra]

THE GOOD PLACE ⇢ 1x13 | MICHAEL'S GAMBIT

[sophsun1]

Psych – 5.02: Feet Don't Kill Me Now

[deadgravity]

Rocky is a cutthroat bitch, statement.

[uhhhhmanda]

Just came home from a dinner party with the friendgroup at which several people kept saying "Ask Pedro" or "Pedro will know" and I was terrified that they were referring to an AI like Claude but no, thank fuck, they were referring to a cardboard cutout of Pedro Pascal that someone left upstairs and who has been designated a kind of patron saint status in the household.

[asteronomical]

eridian students: savior grace! what is savior rocky to you?

grace: he's the reason i wake up every morning :)

eridian students: aww!

[earlier]

rocky, banging on grace's door: GRACE WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP NOW

[gatekeepslay]

oh god 😭

[its-timego]

Imagine the surreal insanity of being Irina Petrova and just hanging out having a hobby that you're very intense about and then you notice something weird and then all at once your name is one of the most uttered in history, by total accident. In the movie universe they describe her as a "radio telescope enthusiast" she does not even do this professionally. And suddenly everything is Petrova line, Petrova frequency, Petrova wavelength, Petrovascope, Petrova Task Force, Petrova problem. And you're like man. I have a day job.

[dajo42]

using "what were YOU doing at the devils sacrament" to mean "yeah i made an embarrassing reference but you understood it which is also embarrassing" is very funny to me

[computationalcalculator]

my favorite part is that absolutely nobody says this except here. so if you use it in public, it's a dead giveaway that you spent the last ten years on tumblr. but then again, they recognized it, which means they were at the devil's sacrament

[idontgettechnology]

I tested this theory in the wild the other day at work. I was on a call with my department lead and a few other folks and I replied to an email the DL had sent me, thinking that, because he was on this call, he wouldn't notice when I sent it and would not catch me multitasking.

However, he replied to said email within five minutes, asking a question that required an answer. So I answered and was like "Also, I was going to apologize for answering emails during this call, but I see we're both here at the Devil's Sacrament, so I don't think an apology is necessary."

I watched him read that on screen and try not to laugh. And then at the end of the call as everyone started saying goodbye, he goes, "Hey, MJ, I meant to tell you. I like your shoelaces."

And I looked straight into my camera, stone cold serious, and said, "Thanks. I stole them from the president."

And the rest of the team was like, "What...the fuck...?" before he abruptly ended the call for everyone.

So now my DL and I know this about each other. He could be any one of us.

[libraryogre]

At a certain point, the appropriate response to "What were you doing at the devil's sacrament" becomes "stealing shoelaces from the president."

[mymoonandmyshane]

another incredibly tragic thing shane just drops casually happens when he and ilya do a house tour for gq or some shit. the interviewer asks something like “whats the biggest change in your living space since coming out and moving in together” and shane goes “honestly just being able to comfortably live with each other. for a long time we were erasing every tiny detail of ourselves so we wouldnt be caught. but now we can have our wedding pictures on the mantel :)” and everyone dies

[cowardsexual]

stratt and grace and the rest of the phm science team running on 4 cumulative hours of sleep at an unscheduled conference. dimitri and lokken are trying to explain a new complication in the hail mary's fueling system and the resources necessary to iron it out but they keep getting interrupted by government officials butting in until grace (who doesn't even look up from his laptop and checked out of the conversation two days ago) snaps "we raise our hands to speak"

complete silence for like 3 seconds. the french prime minister sheepishly raises his hand and stratt smiles for the first time that week (grace buries his entire head behind his laptop screen for wont of a better option, like jumping straight into the sea)

[chernozemm]

I think there's a great chance the existence of mirrors/reflective surfaces silently fucks Rocky up.

Like, Grace is in the bathroom, shaving, the curtain pulled to the side and suddenly he stops and says "stop touching my stuff". Rocky, frozen, somewhere behind him, can't fathom how Grace sensed that. He was so quiet. The razor is so loud. Grace's still facing away from him. What the fuck.

Grace repairing some panel or other and asks for a tool. Without even turning around, he says "no, not that one, the one to its left". Rocky's like are you shitting me. I know for a fact your hearing is ass. You can only see in one direction and I'm not in it!! What?!

[hr-rep]

Shane getting criticized for not using pride tape and he’s caught on a mic later that week saying I didn’t realize it wasn’t the sucking dick that made me gay but the rainbow . Which is how he comes out.

[hr-rep]

@persimmony-snicket EXACTLYYYY

[stormsthatrage]

Shoutout to Project Hail Mary for being the only media where the unconscious protagonist is dragged off screen by an alien spider monster and the audience's reaction is heartbreak on behalf of the alien spider monster.

[snowsmoked]

I do think that Shane gets a Russian language tutor. He sees that Ilya is always having to think, speak, and translate in his second language. And he knows that Ilya is fluent by this point, but if he's serious about forever with Ilya (which he is) he wants Ilya to be able to communicate with his boyfriend in his native language. He also saw how much his grandparents struggled with learning English as adults and how much more expressive and talkative they were when they spoke Japanese at home together.

So he gets a tutor. He meticulously researches her (she's from Moscow, so he'll learn from someone with Ilya's same accent). She's signed to more NDAs than he can count. She has 10 years of experience, she's certified to teach English and Russian, and she has 4.8 stars on MyTutor.

Shane pays her a frankly concerning amount of money to make house calls. Twice weekly, unless he's on the road, she arrives at his apartment to teach him foundational Russian. She gives him workbooks, Russia cartoon recommendation, podcasts for beginners, etc. He tells her he's learning because his boyfriend is Russian and she outlines a course that focuses on domestic language first (as opposed to travel or business). She even teaches him what she calls a 'culture course' with lessons on Russian music, food, and various traditions.

She's only a few years older than Shane and he actually finds himself looking forward to her visits. At this point, she's the only person other than his parents that knows he has a boyfriend.

About 4 months in, Shane finally feels comfortable enough to ask about what he'd been very excited about learning.

"You want me to teach you how to talk dirty to your boyfriend?" Ekaterina raised an eyebrow.

"Um," Shane blushed. Was this a little too far? Was this inappropriate to ask of a tutor? "Yes? If - If that's okay, I mean."

A slow smirk spread over her face. "This will be fun. Fun for me, now. Fun for you, later."

"I made a list," Shane admitted. He wasn't going to back out now, he put a lot of thought into his list. He turned to it in his Russian notebook and handed it to her.

She scanned over it indifferently. "You will use all this in one night?"

"Yeah, probably. Is it too much?"

"It is good you have a Russian man," Ekaterina said. "They have good stamina. Mostly, anyway."

And while it was a little embarrassing for Ekaterina to correct his pronunciation of please let me suck your cock, it helped that she seemed just as comfortable with that as there is tea on the stove.

Though, maybe he shouldn't have learned those phrases at the same time, because Ilya will never, for as long as they live, allow him to forget asking, while down on his knees and with excellent pronunciation, please let me suck your tea.

[evilbookworm]

the Martian vs project Hail Mary is so funny because you’ve got one where they’re very slowly making a spaceship to bring a guy home and another one where they make a spaceship really fast to send a guy into space forever