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20s / intj / enbie / tired

[6or34-s9l5n35]

Pinned intro.

adult, persodivergent, schizospec, sicko. Fill in blanks however you want. They don't matter.

Answering questions under the cut.

"Where am I?"

This is technically a vent blog. I feel shit and have no interest in the people who know me, knowing me. Tale as old as time. You're not them? Good, you can stay. Parasocial types welcome. Just don't expect much.

"Is there anything I should know?"

Any of the fucked up shit I write is fake. Move on if you can't handle it. Couldn't hurt anyone even if I wanted to. You're not saving anyone by harassing the weirdo in the corner, so get your hero complex away from my ass.

If you wanna know more, ask. I don't give a shit.

"What are your stances on things?"

And like that, you've lost me. I don't care about any of that. I'm opinionated, sure, but anything that bugs me is on a case-by-case basis. I block when given reason to. You should try it sometime. Might help your blood pressure.

"If you're so apathetic, then why are you here?"

I get bored. I like to bitch at the void. It's familiar to me, as I feel I am one, myself. Sometimes I almost become social, so the option is nice. Why does anyone bother with this shit?

1-9, A-I

[8-8-8-16]

[6or34-s9l5n35]

I'm realizing that if this keeps up, I may actually be in a bit of danger. Huh, that's... Yeah, that's probably not good.

[6or34-s9l5n35]

Well, this is fun, rapidly switching between "everything is fucked and I should just off myself" to "everything is fucked, so might as well make use of the time".

It's not even full suicidal intent neither, but rather the kind that makes you hope some dipshit crashes into your car on the way home, just to feel something else. I'm not actually interested in dying. Everything just massively sucks and I have zero hope that it'll get any better.

It's a let loose or be let loose sort of day, I guess.

[6or34-s9l5n35]

Ah, that's right. I keep things over here because every time I write something on my other blogs (specially any of the more... interesting shit), I get sent a fucking essay about their thoughts and feelings on it. One of these days, I really do need to get around to telling them not everything I write is applicable to them.

[hel7l7]

It all feels wrong

[nofuckingideawho]

in a shocking turn of events repressing your emotions doesn't make them disappear

[6or34-s9l5n35]

Mmm, nah. I have other spaces for that. Those that want to listen to what the void gets can go searching, themselves. I'm not far for whomever wants to hear.

[6or34-s9l5n35]

The temptation to use community tags is growing again. Privacy or comradere. Decisions, decisions...

[6or34-s9l5n35]

I suppose I could ask myself the same thing. Why am I just writing to the void? It never talks back, nobody's there to hear anything. As hopeless as I often frame myself, my actions tend to say something else entirely.

Maybe I'm just waiting for the day my words will finally echo back to me. Until then, I guess I'll just keep yelling.

[6or34-s9l5n35]

Honestly, the most frustrating part is just how easy it'd all be to change. Nobody's expecting to upturn the entire world, but you're your own world. A piece at a time, a person at a time, it could all go differently. Knowing a little more here, listening a little bit there, and just maybe something different would come along.

I can't be the only one willing to listen. With so many begging to be heard, desperate to be understood, I know you all see it, too. You see how this could be better, if it'd just start somewhere.

Why else be on here, writing copious amounts of text to fling into the void, if you weren't praying someone would finally hear it?

[6or34-s9l5n35]

It just feels like everyone is so keen on perpetuating what's clearly a problem because it's habitual. Why stray from the familiar? You're already so tired and beaten down that doing anything else sounds impossible.

It's not, though. It's really not. You're worth so much more than you give yourself credit. It's just you're aimless, distracted with the things that you feel you're "supposed to" be doing. If this really was what was right, then why are you all so damned miserable?

Seeing everyone act as though this is forever, and you wonder why everything feels hopeless.

[6or34-s9l5n35]

You're all dancing along to the tune of your own misery, you get that, right? How things work, how it breaks people down bit by bit. You know it's by design, so why do you keep doing it?

No one can afford anything. Jobs are abysmally sparce and falsely advertised. The government has become something out of a dystopian sit-com. The world is quite literally on fire. And you all know it, but you keep going along like this is a war of attrition anyone's going to win.

We all lose. So why do you keep pretending otherwise?

[6or34-s9l5n35]

... Aren't you all sick of this? Aren't you tired? Don't you just wish someone would finally sit down and see you, care about you and all your ugly pieces, and agree that this all has been enough?

You could do so much better, but you don't. Why? Really think about why.

Because I'll tell you right now, this is all coerced. Every cog of it, it's forced. That fear is real, but you're aiming it at all the wrong places. If you only knew, really understood one another, you'd see just how little you need to be afraid.

I say this as softly as I can, that you've been fed a lie for so long, for so many generations, that it's become true. That deep-seated desire to work together was misdirected and it's led us here. Is this really where you really want to be?

Look at your religions, look at what you teach your children. Admit it, you wanted more than this, you wanted better, but nobody knows how to back out now.

[6or34-s9l5n35]

You know what really cracks me up about all this? The assholes who drove us all into this pit won, they have all the power and a complacent society, and even they aren't happy! The world's a fucking joke and everyone's too broken to laugh! It's hilarious!

All we get is one go at this stupid life and we voluntarily spend it grinding away, chasing highs and dreams, hoping to maybe one day feel something other than exhausted. Yet even if you get everything you wanted, you're still not fucking happy. You can't tell me that's not one massive joke.

[6or34-s9l5n35]

It's only been a couple weeks, we haven't even gone anywhere yet, and still I'm so tired of this crap. It feels like leading on a bunch of neurotic zombies; exhausted and on the cusp of a panic attack at any moment.

Why am I even doing this? Just so I can experience a few more decades of the same dull, repetitive stupidity that seems to never end? It's all a damned dead end. I've known that for many years now, but still I'm here.

Spite, curiosity, just straight stubborness, but that can't be the only reason, right? I'm not happy. I'm not sure I can ever be happy. Not like this, anyway.

Fuck it, I don't know. Maybe I'm just too scared to do anything and can't bring myself to admit it.

[6or34-s9l5n35]

... Is this how depression feels for people? Damn. Yeah, I can see how this shit would inspire someone to kill themselves. Anything but here, right? Anything fucking else but here.