trans OCD, doubt, and the internet
tw, doubt, dysphoria, a bunch of other crappy trans related problems
today i made the very moronic decision of posting a tik tok venting about dysphoria today. i received multiple comments from 16 year olds telling me toĀ āgoogle tocd.ā what i found in the results was honestly very dangerous.Ā
doubt is something iām very familiar with, having been in the closet for 19 years. while presenting as cis, the innermost thought that was the backdrop to everything wasnāt necessarilyĀ āim in the wrong bodyā but moreĀ āsomething is wrong, and i feel like nobody knows me.ā the thoughtĀ āam i transgenderā was constantly followed up by my very conscious follow up thought
āno, you arenāt transgender, transgender people are in pain all of the time, transgender people donāt question it, transgender people face so much bigotry and pain, you donāt want to face all of that bigotry and pain do you? even if you are transgender, you wouldnāt want to transition because you like dating men too much, men will never want to date you if you transition.ā (i havenāt transitioned yet, but from what i know so far that last anxiety isnāt really true at all.) sometimes these purposeful counter thoughts would last for so long that they started getting pretty weird and meta. things likeĀ āif you were transgender, you are somebody who is so honest and doesnāt care what other people think, you would have already transitioned by now!ā which is hard to make sense of in retrospect.
after coming out, and presenting as a woman, i donāt necessarily have these long battles with myself as often anymore, but iād be lying if i said they went away entirely. its much easier to spot what my true feelings are and what is surpression now, but i still have moments where iāll think,Ā āwhat the fuck am i doing?ā i think addressing this doubt head on is something that is really overlooked in the trans community, but is really important, because being trans isnāt about following a checklist, but following your authenticity. without doubt, how are we going to be sure if something is right for us? i still have doubt from time to time, where iāll think maybe i am some form of nonbinary, or just a feminine man, itās easy to tackle these thoughts as now i approach them with no fear, knowing the answer to them will not be a challenge to deal with, as i have already dealt with coming out as a woman.
hereās where that tik tok comment comes in. tOCD, or Transgender Related OCD, is not related to being transgender, but actually linked with OCD, with a fixation on transgender identity. i read a few stories from people with this and felt overwhelmed with shock at how similar these stories felt to mine. lying awake at night combatting the questionĀ āam i transgender?ā feeling an immense sense of fear or dread along with the idea of transitioning, orĀ ābecoming transgender,ā and the thoughts being triggered by certain random things. these things all felt very familiar to my experience, as my thoughts of being trans before i was out were not at all happy. that is the common difference i kept readingĀ āfor transgender people, these thoughts bring them joy, make them happy, and do not cause distress or make them try to combat these feelings.ā this description of trans experience was not at all similar to my experience, this made me increasingly fearful that i had gotten it all wrong.
i threw myself into a rabbit hole. i read forum after forum, i tried to analyze a scientific study, i read blog posts and discussion boards. i do not often spend my time on the internet on forums with neurodivergent people, or in neurodivergent spaces, though i am neurodivergent, it doesnāt impact my life in many major ways so i do not seek those spaces, but finding a lot of tOCD forums, there is a MASSIVE amount of transphobia hidden there. while there are 100% cisgender people with tOCD, it looks like to me a lot of closeted trans people (or eggs) have co-opted that space in order to talk down their own thoughts. this makes the few tOCD forums that exist a dangerous mix of people assisting each other through their intrusive thoughts, and eggs spewing transphobic rhetoric in the comments of confused and nervous people. this was absolutely not healthy for me to see, and if you are going to do research yourself, i recommend checking in with yourself and your triggers, because it is really difficult to find the distinction from what iāve found.Ā
i can report, i am a woman. this is something that is unwaivering through all of my forms of doubt. this is something that is a truth regardless of my thoughts, and regardless of my feelings. before i knew this though, my thoughts were not at all joyful when trying to find out this discovery. discovering i was a trans woman this whole time, meant i had been spending the past 19 years of my life, in a sense, lying to the people around me. it had meant i was spending my life up to this point, dormant, or not being my true self. it had meant i was going to have to go through expensive treatments, therapy, and oppression. all these thoughts of me being a woman were clouded entirely by overwhelming fear, so no, i didnāt feel happy when my thoughts approached me, in fact i felt nothing but overwhelming dread, and a desire to push those thoughts away.
living as a woman and embracing my gender identity has proven to be nothing but helpful, and has made me feel nothing but more confident and true to myself. the truth is always behind the panic, and when it comes to your gender identity, thereās very little reason to panic.
heres a link to the random quora answer that helped calm me down, i recommend you read it if you are having any anxieties :Ā https://qr.ae/pNikpp
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