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genre: angst
style: oneshot
warnings: mentions of depression
summary: youāreĀ not the same girl who fell in love with him but you are the girl he fell in love with.
the first thought lee jeno has when he steps onto american soil is your name. which is weird, because you two had broken up a long time ago. heād even dated a couple of people after you, but here he is, stepping onto american soil with your name being the only thing on his mind.Ā
he canāt shake this feeling, this feeling that had something to do with you, even though he has no idea what the feeling is.
maybe itās the fact that he had always thought that when heād come to america, heād be coming home to you after all the calls you had spent talking about meeting. except he has no reason to come to america looking for you, and Ā he hasnāt had one for a year now.Ā yet here he is, under the same expanse of sky as you, somehow hoping that he had a shot at seeing you again.
all in all, the way you two had met hadnāt beenĀ the most conventional. in fact, your relationship wasnāt conventional and thatās why it had been a secret between you two and a select few, because not many people wouldāve encouraged a long distance relationship between two sixteen year olds where the chances of meeting each other and lasting just wasnātĀ likely.Ā
(and in your case, it really hadnāt been).Ā
it had been a year into the relationship when you had begun to want something moreā something real, palpable, something you could touch, and when you were crying at midnight heavily considering a relapse, jenoās texts to you while he was in class werenātĀ it. it wasnāt your fault, nor was it his, but at the time it had been irreconcilable. with priorities naturally falling into place at the time, you couldnāt be his first.
and so you two realized that it wouldnāt work. at least you had realized it when jeno had told you your expectations of him were too high, and he had begun to distance himself from you. what he hadnāt told you was that he had been too afraid, afraid that he would never amount to what you wanted, to what you needed and deserved. you were both only seventeen after all, and an ocean away from each other.
so jeno started to leave in the moments where you needed and wanted him most, even if it were his measly snuck-in texts in his four pm classes and him calling you when it was already too late.
you wouldāve taken it.Ā but then he left completely.
the first thing jeno does the day after unpacking all of his stuff is go to the mall. he needs clothes suited for the heat of southern california rather than the snow of south korea, so he goes with his older siblings even if he finds himself separated from them after a while.Ā
he might as well enjoy himself, he figures when he looks around to see his siblings nowhere to be found. his eye catches sight of a smoothie stand, and he licks his lip as he nears the cashier.
āwhat can i get for you, sir?ā
āberry antioxidant smoothie, please.ā
itās automatic, the way he orders the smoothie that he remembers you love, because it makes you feel fake healthy even when itās loaded with sugar.Ā
he prefers more chocolatey smoothies, but when he takes a sip of your smoothie, he gets why you had loved it so much. maybe heāll start loving it too.
heās debating between getting the yellow sweatshirt and the black sweatshirt when he pulls out his phone, scrolling through his contacts for the familiar contact of your name to ask you which one he should get when he realizes that thatās not possible.Ā
you two had been broken up for a year.
he thinks the californian air is getting to him, that breathing the same air as you is getting to him. he keeps thinking about you, your name like bile in his chest and heās on edge, even if he doesnāt know if youāre still even in the city.Ā you should be in college by now, and your dream had always been london.Ā
so he concludes that youāre in london by now, quietly tucking away his phone and picking the yellow sweatshirt over the black sweatshirt, just because you wouldāve picked the black one.
he left you a year ago, and he doesnāt have the right to mourn that. he doesnāt have the obligation to follow what you want, because he had broken your heart. not the other way around.
he tosses his half-finished smoothie into the trash can as he leaves the store with the plastic bag in hand.
no matter where you were, this city would always remind him of you, and no matter where he was, he would always find the time to think about you.
(he doesnāt realize that he had broken his own heart when he left you).
itās jenoās first day of classes at the local university. the campus is huge, and heās not used to it, nor is he comfortable with it as he struggles to navigate the area. his siblings, rather than attending university, are already job hunting (and illegally driving alone with their learnerās permits), so heās in uncharted territory alone.Ā
the campus is beautiful, he has to admitā overseeing the distant southern californian beach and a valley of trees that was well-maintained for a desert area. flowers had been planted along the walkways, and there were fountains and statues marking every few buildings in a manner that made it a little bit harder to get lost.Ā
the school itself is big enough to have its own maps app, and he watches his phone closely as he tracks the moving dot that denotes his position thatās (hopefully) nearing his destinationĀ until he collides with another person.
āsorry about thatāā jeno begins, looking up to see a male around his ageā korean too, he can tellā who holds a purple smoothie and a coffee cup up high because his two drinks almost spilled from the collision.
āitās cool, donāt worry about it. at least the smoothie didnāt spill or else my girlfriend would be really mad,ā he laughs, āiām jaemin, by the way. you new here too?āĀ
jeno blinks, before clearing his throat and smiling.Ā āyeah, nameās jeno.āĀ
āso, jeno, where are you headed? i could help you, iāve been around here for a while even for a new student.āĀ
āuh, chemistry withāā
āburner? iām on my way there to drop off my girlfriendās smoothie, iāll walk with you!ā jaemin cheerily offers, already taking the left turn jeno was just taking when they bumped into each other.Ā
jaeminās easy to get along with, jeno quickly realizes and comes to appreciate. he doesnāt question the broken english of the platinum blonde haired boy, instead automatically slipping into a conversation in their native language. he finds out that jaeminās on the soccer team and that heās a commitā whatever that means, because it definitely isnāt a thing in koreaā but majors in biochem. the mention of the subjects makes jenoās nose scrunch. it makes jaemin laughā he understands.
āmy girlfriend hates chemistry too, but somehow, itās how we met in high school,ā jaemin chimes when he notices the sourness on jenoās facial expression. the sourness on jenoās face morphs into an almost nostalgic simper as he arrives at a door with jaemin. you had hated chemistry too.
āthis is the chemistry lab, by the way.āĀ
the slightly shorter boy nods as he follows the other in, and jaemin immediately makes a beeline towards a girl with long black hair and blonde highlights on the bottom half.
āhey babe,ā jeno makes out just as jaemin swoops in for a kiss and places the smoothie in front of her. then he waves the other over. Ā Ā
an awkward smile making its way onto his lips, he goes to stand beside the cheerful boy, whose girlfriend turns to look at the boy her boyfriend beckoned over. she has her zodiac sign tattooed right below her ear, he notices.Ā
immediately, the polite smile that she dons falters from her lips, replaced with a more forced and awkward one, and she sets the smoothie down, hand moving to clasp onto jaeminās hand that lays on her shoulder. the latter doesnāt notice, because his eyes are on jeno as he introduces them.
but they know each other already.Ā
thereās a brief silence between the two of them, jaeminās eyes shifting between them in confusion until jeno breaks the silence, his heart already aching by the way her mouth opens and then closes because she canāt find the words to say.
āi guess london didnāt work out, huh?ā jeno says, with a bittersweet smile as he lets the fact that his first love is happy with another boy who buys her smoothies just like he promised he would one day and helps her with chemistry like he never could sink in.
āno, it didnāt. but i guess you really did find your way here eventually,ā she replies, a look in her eye that jeno canāt quite pinpoint. he swallows thickly, as if heās swallowing all his emotions, all the weight in the world.
āyeah, i did. a little too late, though.ā
she can only force a polite smile at jeno for that one, and he figures he deserved that.
the thing about first loves is that they never leave. you can date a million people, you can find your soulmate, or you can find your true love, but theyāll never be the first love. theyāll never be the person who taught you what it was like to love, what it was like to hurt, and theyāll never replace the person who owns that little locked space in your heart.Ā
you didnāt realize that until your first love was right in your face in a way you never thought he would be, but jeno had realized that with the first girl he had dated after you. he had this fear that heād never love her as much as he loved you, and the fear had been right. he didnāt, so she had left him.
but standing in front of you right now, jeno realized that you loved jaemin just as you had loved him, if not more. it was in the way that even after you had shared a polite conversation with him full of memories of the distant past, you looked back at jaemin with a reassuring look in your eyes as you rubbed circles with your thumb into the ligatures of his hands. it was in the way you offered to walk with him to his class all the way across campus even though you seemed to already know heād say no, and in the way that when jaemin left, your kiss on his lips lingered a little longer than the kiss hello. it was in the way you slapped jaeminās shoulder when he told you to text him if there was anything you didnāt understand in the class, pouting as you claimed it was only the first day and that he needed to focus on his own class.
it was in the way you looked at jeno, with a look in your eyes that was unfamiliar to him because he had grown used to you looking at him with nothing but adoration and love.Ā
it wasnāt the same look he was used to.
he had left you, so you had let him go.
you were no longer the girl who fell in love with him, but you were still the girl that held a special place in his heart. you were still the girl he had loved, and he wishes more than anything that he could love you again. he thinks heād be ready this time.
but now, he can only hope he holds a special place in your heart, too. because he thinks that you are his true love, but who knows, because heās eighteen and he probably doesnāt know much better than he did when he was sixteen and fell in love with you.
from: princessĀ š¹š
what smoothie should i get
to: princessĀ š¹š
your favorite berry one, duh
buy me one too
from: princessĀ š¹š
okay, fly over then
to: princessĀ š¹š
bet
one day
to: princessĀ š¹š
black suit or blue suit for my sisterās wedding
from: princessĀ š¹š
you know iād usually say black because it matches with everything
but blue will pop out so you can look like the most handsome baby at the wedding :*
to: princessĀ š¹š
and youād make the prettiest date
from: princessĀ š¹šĀ
i looked around some london unis at the fair today!!
to: princessĀ š¹šĀ
youāre really serious about this huh
from: princessĀ š¹š
of course i am, you know me
to: princessĀ š¹š
even if our time difference will be even worse if you move to london?
from: princessĀ š¹š
you know weād get through it
to: princessĀ š¹š
iām kidding cutie
i know we would
itās 3am there why are you awake
go to sleep baby
from: princessĀ š¹š
i havenāt finished my chemistry homework jeno iām so stressed out right now
to: princessĀ š¹š
do you want me to help you?
from: princessĀ š¹šĀ
you hate chemistry
to: princessĀ š¹š
who said i was gonna help you
send the problem and iāll send it to my friend
from: princessĀ š¹š
youāre a lifesaver jeno, i love you
to: princessĀ š¹š
anything for you
from: princessĀ š¹š
jeno?
hello?
please help me
itās 2am and i canāt stop crying
i know youāre in class right now but i need you i canāt stop
to: princessĀ š¹š
fuck
sorry babe
i saw your texts but i couldnāt reply
are you okay?
itās 4am there now
babe?Ā
babe?
