“guess you didn't cheat but you’re still a traitor” pt.2 tojixreader
and here is part 2!
read part one here
warnings- slight mentions of sexual activities, angst (let me know if theres anything else)
angst to fluff kinda.
Your eyes are searching in the dark, limbs entangled under tojis grip.
His breathing peaceful, the only sound filling the silence.
And you suddenly remember that you are once again in his bed, but unlike other times- there wouldn’t be a next time.
Your heart aches.
The thought you hated most strikes- Why not me.
You shake your head, trying to make it go away, and slowly get up, trying to not wake toji up in the process - although with the way he is almost completely laying on top of you, it’s impossible. It almost feels like he knew you’d slip away in the middle of the night, and tried to prevent just that.
You find a way to free yourself from his grip and he tosses around, now laying on his back. His face exposed to the little light coming from the window, He looks like he’s in pain. Eyebrows knitted together, lips scrunched up and his nose wrinkled. You can’t even control your own body, your hand having a life of its own when you gently touch his scar, trying to soothe his face and make that pained expression go away.
You’re now sitting up, next to tojis warm body, trying to convince yourself to leave now, before you start having any doubts.
You suck in a breath, Why does it even hurt so much? It’s not like you’ve never left before.
But you know exactly why.
It’s because no matter how far away, no matter for how long- you never stopped thinking about him. He really was the only one, But not anymore. This can’t go on.
You’re about to get up and leave when you hear a chocked sound-
“Y/n.” Your eyes shoot up to his figure, almost scared that he will see you walk away.
Yet you are met with his sleeping form, face pained and a choked voice that keeps calling your name over and over, in his sleep.
“Y/n, don’t leave.” His choked voice fills the silent room and he tosses around non stop.
That’s when you feel them, rolling down your cheeks, hitting your lips and chin, Warm tears.
You send your hand to your eyes, almost finding it hard to believe.
He is laying now on his back, after endless tossing, and you see them- His tears.
He is crying in his sleep.
Your eyes wide with surprise, you barely process his crying when you lean forward in pain, a hand over your chest.
Your chest is throbbing and your vision becoming blurry when more tears are flowing, The pain in your chest becoming a little too much to bear.
Why is he the only one to make you feel like this? Why? Why couldn’t he just loved you?
Why not you?
At this point your crying is hysterical, you can’t control the sobs escaping you, and you are tugging on your shirt, trying to ease the growing pain your chest.
Grief. You never allowed yourself to grieve, telling yourself you always knew this day would come- but now all your walls have completely crumbled,
Your hysterical crying echos through the room and you can’t think straight.
You don’t even notice the strong hands pulling you in, his own body shaking. His hand in your hair, he is slowly rocking you, calming you down, ignoring his own shaking and crying.
Your cries starting to subside, and your lids becoming a little heavier than before.
“I’m sorry, I’m truly sorry.” His voice is broken, and his body still lightly trembling, but his grip on you is still strong and reassuring.
“The truth is I love you. I always did, but I was so busy grieving that I made you carry my own pain.” His voice raw and honest.
“I broke you and kept pushing around so you would be mine again, because the truth is you are the one I wanted all along, but I got caught in fantasies of the past and ended up hurting you, again.”
Regret. It’s heavy and all around us. So much we both regret.
But for some reason, your mind won’t let you regret loving him.
“I can’t even imagine what you went through trying to deal with all this crap, I’m really sorry.” His hand still in your hair, pulling you even closer to him.
“This is actually my biggest regret, treating you like this, making you believe you were nothing but a way to pass time,”
“But i was just being selfish. You were never a way to pass time,”
“I’m sorry y/n.”
You say nothing in return, and you’re not sure if it because your throat is completely dry or because your mind is a mess, but no words are coming out.
“And I know you probably don’t believe a word I say. hell, even I wouldn’t believe any of this- but I really am sorry.” He sighs deeply before planting a kiss in your hair.
“And I am sorry for pushing so hard, I should’ve just stopped when you said there was nothing to talk about.” His apology raw and sincere.
You glance over his face, Quiet tears escaping his eyes, His eyes filled with regret and worry is painted all over his handsome face.
And for a moment you find yourself believing, even just a little- Remembering his sleeping form, crying out your name and begging you not to leave. But is it even real? Are you allowed to believe him?
Your wiggle your hands out of his tight hug and you pull him closer to you, Your hand on his cheek, Slowly crashing your lips into his soft ones.
At first he doesn’t move his in response, completely frozen and still caught in his own pain. But his body, much like yours, cannot resist the touch.
You’re both in way too deep.
The kiss is slow, and emotional. He grabs your waist and pushes you even closer, you moan softly in response.
He whispers sweet nothings in your ear, while kissing your neck and shoulders- taking in every inch of you, adoring your form. He’s still shaking, his body still in his own hysterical state- but he is ignoring it, almost like he can’t get enough of you.
And it moves something in you.
Not fully, not completely. It does not make your pain go away, but it almost comforts you.
Your top is nowhere to be found when his mouth is latched to your nipple, your hips rolling on his lap- the pain in your chest slowly easing when you get a doze of him.
What has he done to you.
He leaves bright marks on your entire chest and gives extra special attention to the area you were grabbing in pain just a few moments earlier, kissing it better.
And then the thought you were scared of most, hits you, You don’t want to leave. You want him, no one else.
But how? How do you fix this? Where do you start? How do you even bring this up?
His hands make their way to your pants, and this time around you are the one to stop him- “Wait.” Your voice is small and weak, And you hate yourself for that.
He looks into your eyes quietly, confused.
You are about to open your mouth, but you have no idea what you are about to say yourself. A silent moment passes, and he is still looking at you, patiently.
“I don’t want to leave.” You have no control over your words, absolutely shocked when they leave your mouth.
He looks even more confused than before, but still keeping quiet- waiting to hear the rest.
“I mean- I just- “ Your mind becoming a mess.
“I can’t leave. I don’t know how to.” You fumble with your words and you can see his mind working trying to understand what is it that you’re trying to say.
You take a deep breath before speaking again,
“I don’t know how to leave you behind, because every-time i left you were still the only thing on my mind. the only thing I can do is run- but not leave.” You spill with too much honesty.
There is a glint of surprise in his eyes, but it looks like he is still trying to figure out this situation.
“I don’t want to hurt you anymore.” He moves to sit up, facing you.
“I want you more than anything else, but I can’t keep letting you hurt like this.” He runs a hand through his hair, leaving a dark mess.
He looks so.. vulnerable.
You sit up slowly, as well.
“I wish I could fix things.” He whispers, almost to himself.
“I love you.” You blurt out quietly, not even realizing what you just said.
What is he doing to you.
He’s face instantly shoots up and he panics, almost thinking it means you’re leaving. He reaches out to you, but quickly stops when he realizes what he’s doing.
But you can’t stop, you’re beyond that point. So you fall into his arms and burry your face in his neck.
“There is no one else.” The words come out muffled.
“So we should start working hard to try and fix this mess.” Your mind was already made.
long before you knew, your mind has already been made.
no matter how far away you ran, no matter how hard you tried- you cant resist him, you cant resist loving him.
It’s always been him.
You can feel the relief washing over his whole body, and he takes a deep breath.
“Yes. I promise to do anything it takes.” you can hear the smile in his voice.
Everything is far from perfect, but maybe, just maybe, you need listen to your body and mind- and try just one more time.
You hum approvingly before shutting your eyes closed and saying, “Let’s go to sleep.”
“oh? thought you didn’t come here to sleep.” the playful grin is back on.
“shut up.”
a small smile makes its way up your lips.
his deep laugh is the last thing you hear before dozing off to sleep.