did i ever tell you guy about the time i got stuck in a room with the kpop band BTS in the santiago airport in 2017
so at the time i was traveling a lot for work, which is important context because it meant that i'd gotten very -- or, one might argue, TOO -- comfortable in airports and also that i was constantly in the wrong timezone and almost never thinking like a regular person. and on this particular trip i'd been in like 4 different countries and santiago was my last stop and literally all i wanted to do was like, get there, get to my hotel, and sleep. but for reasons that were not clear to me at the time, the airport seemed to be conspiring to keep me from doing this, because it was busy and because -- it seemed -- it was understaffed, with people being funneled through just one exit door.
these reasons would become clear to me in short order.
now, part of the problem, in defense of the airport and its staff, was that at the time i was carrying this huge plank, which was sort of supposed to be a cheese board, but it didn't look like a cheese board, it just looked like a huge plank. and the reason i was carrying it was because it had been a gift from the staff of a homeless shelter i'd just been at. and i'm not saying that so that you guys know i'm a good person i'm saying it because i need you to picture me with huge dark circles under my eyes, carrying a suitcase and this massive, misshapen plank that i kept insisting was "for cheese."
TSA was like "hey girl. what's this?" and i was like "it's wood." and they were like "yeah. why do you. have it?" and i was like, "the homeless people gave it to me. for cheese."
i speak better spanish than just mindlessly repeating "it's for cheese. it's FOR CHEESE. IT'S FOR CHEESE," but at that point in my journey i was so tired that i didn't understand what they weren't understanding.
it's wood! it's for cheese! what's the problem!!!!!!
anyway, once we all agreed that it was okay for me to keep my Cheese Wood, and having been to santiago many times before this, i knew that there was another exit door after customs. even though we were all sort of being funneled toward Door B, there was nobody stationed in front of Door A, and it didn't seem like you weren't allowed to go, it just seemed like one of those things where because the only bag-X-ray-machine things in use were close to Door B, that's where everyone was going.
so in my little brain i thought, aha. this is one of those things where people join lines but they don't have to! this is sheepery! i'm taking my cheese wood and i'm going rogue.
so anyway i went through Door A.
you know how usually when you go through the first set of doors in an airport you enter into this big bustling area where all the car rentals and currency exchanges etc are and it's stressful and busy?
this was not like that.
this was like that guy on tiktok who's like "oooo i'm in a parallel universe where i'm the only one left on earth" except in my case it was me, a single Avis employee, and, of course, the extremely famous kpop band BTS.
i should clarify that at the time i did not know that it was BTS.
i didn't even know who BTS were.
i had at that point watched "coffee prince" and "princess hours" and that was the extent of my k-entertainment knowledge.
what i knew was that it was me, a single Avis employee, and 7 boys in face masks and a wild array of hair colors who were all staring at me and my Cheese Wood with looks of increasing alarm.
the room got very quiet. there were a couple of cameramen if i'm remembering rightly, and a woman with like .... a clipboard or something?, and then this group of boys, all of whom were now looking at me.
i was tired but not a moron so i very quickly realized this was not a room meant for me so i turned around, but i had gone through one of those doors where once you go through in one direction you can't go back. so i was stuck.
i turned around again. they were still all looking at me.
i was like, "uhhhhh."
they were like, "uhhhhh."
the poor lady with the clipboard said something very nervously in korean, presumably whatever is korean for, "uhhhhh."
anyway, one thing about me is, i frequently find myself in situations where the only way out is through, so what i did was kind of half wave my Cheese Wood at them -- which made EVERYBODY flinch -- and then go over to the Avis employee and say, "i need to get a taxi."
he was like, "you might ... want to wait?" and gestured at the guys standing in the middle of the room, who were still looking at me with what was rapidly becoming clear was worry.
i'm going to assume it was because i looked terrible, and, once again i must remind you, was carrying a massive, badly-carved object that i'd just waved at them.
i'm a little nervous about putting any other words in quotations, bc no offense but BTS fans are very intense and i don't want to inaccurately quote their beloveds, but i think once it became clear to them that i wasn't a threat, i was just stupid, everybody seemed to relax.
in english, i said, "should i wait?" and gestured at the door.
one of them, and i'm really sorry but i have no idea which, the only thing i remember about them was one had blue hair and one very like ... reddish? like you know that kpop red hair color??, said, "you should go first."
in hindsight this was both probably a good idea and also: a terrible one.
so the Avis guy went over to the taxi stand and reserved me a taxi and let me pay in advance. we were all kind of standing awkwardly. i was like, "sorry about this."
the BTS boys were very nice to me. we didn't really talk a lot, we sort of did that thing where we laughed companionably at each other about how weird the situation was, and they were like, "it's okay," when i kept apologizing. i kind of remember that we nervously kind of chatted about nothing, but they were clearly nervous and i was very embarrassed so i sort of blacked it all out. i feel like mostly i was speaking to the one with red hair? and white hair, i think one had white hair?
(sorry. i know it will matter a lot to people who love this band which of them were speaking to me but i didn't know them at the time so i can't tell you.)
eventually Clipboard Lady came over and started gesturing toward the door, indicating i should go. i looked at the band for confirmation. the one who'd been speaking to me was like, "yeah, it's okay, you can go." and then paused, and then, i do remember this, went, "umm, good luck."
i was like ????? bro i've taken taxis before and i speak fluent spanish, but i didn't say that out loud. out loud i said, "thanks! you too," and then felt very stupid about it.
the band stepped back, which i now know was so that they couldn't be seen through the doors when they opened, but at the time sort of felt like they were gently clearing the way for the dumb stray with her huge stick that they'd found. i waved goodbye. they waved back. i stepped forward. the doors began to open.
a roar went up.
i mean like.
it was loud. we were at an airport and it was louder than the planes, it felt like. they were so excited. they were going to see the band they loved!!!!! BTS was coming out!!!!
BTS was not.
mollyhall was coming out.
i have never disappointed so many people all at one time, and i once broke the news about notre dame being on fire to all of versailles.
the speed at which silence fell will honestly probably haunt me forever. eventually, one girl went, "WHERE ARE THEY?"
i pointed at the airport. "they're in the airport," i said. i didn't have to shout. that's how quiet it was.
"do you know them????"
i was like, "no. i'm just trying to get to my hotel." i waved my cheese wood as if this would somehow make clear that i was here on business that had nothing to do with the 7 korean boys in the room behind me.
the girl said, "when are they coming out?"
"i honestly have no idea. probably soon?" i guessed, and was saved from more questions by somebody's dad taking pity on me and leading me to where the taxis were waiting.
"what's that?" he asked as he helped me lift my suitcase into the trunk, pointing at the plank in my hand.
"it's for cheese," i said.
oh right. i found out who they were because once i was in my taxi i texted a friend to be like "the weirdest thing just happened" and she didn't respond for 10 minutes and then texted back, "you dumb bitch that's BTS."
you're lucky you didn't get body-slammed by their bodyguards
