i want to become so undeniably attractive that people would take interest in anything i say even if it lacked substance; and be coddled and loved without preamble. i've grown weary of putting effort into molding myself to be someone worthy of being. i really am just unremarkable by default. it makes me so sad to think of it.
it'd be nice to weaponize my ordinariness, though i don't know how.
01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents?
02: Who did you last say “I love you” to?
03: Do you regret anything?
04: Are you insecure?
05: What is your relationship status?
06: How do you want to die?
07: What did you last eat?
08: Played any sports?
09: Do you bite your nails?
10: When was your last physical fight?
11: Do you like someone?
12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours?
13: Do you hate anyone at the moment?
14: Do you miss someone?
15: Have any pets?
16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment?
17: Ever made out in the bathroom?
18: Are you scared of spiders?
19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?
20: Where was the last place you snogged someone?
21: What are your plans for this weekend?
22: Do you want to have kids? How many?
23: Do you have piercings? How many?
24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)?
25: Do you miss anyone from your past?
26: What are you craving right now?
27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart?
28: Have you ever been cheated on?
29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?
30: What’s irritating you right now?
31: Does somebody love you?
32: What is your favourite color?
33: Do you have trust issues?
34: Who/what was your last dream about?
35: Who was the last person you cried in front of?
36: Do you give out second chances too easily?
37: Is it easier to forgive or forget?
38: Is this year the best year of your life?
39: How old were you when you had your first kiss?
40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked?
51: Favourite food?
52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason?
53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?
54: Is cheating ever okay?
55: Are you mean?
56: How many people have you fist fought?
57: Do you believe in true love?
58: Favourite weather?
59: Do you like the snow?
60: Do you wanna get married?
61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?
62: What makes you happy?
63: Would you change your name?
64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?
65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?
66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around?
67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?
68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?
69: Do you believe in soulmates?
70: Is there anyone you would die for?
I'm scared it'll be overlooked. i don't want to be ignored, not by someone who claims they care about me. i want to believe it. I want to believe someone who knows me enough cares about me, thinks kindly of me. I don't want to be a terrible, disgusting girl in the eyes of everyone forever.
i want to be seen as someone loveable, at least someone redeemable. remind me that i am capable of good and love.
i've come to realize that it's a whole lot easier to exist without any expectation that people will care about you and consider your feelings. it hurts a lot less to acknowledge that. i think this way of thinking makes me a very bitter, hurtful, and dismissive person—someone passive, who's merely a reflection of their surroundings.
my daily affirmations are: I don't matter, my feelings don't matter, the world doesn't care about me, no one cares about me, my feelings are secondary, my feelings shouldn't be considered
there's a post i stumbled upon once while i was scrolling through the personal vent tag. it wrote, as i can vaguely recall "if someone offered me a box and told me to crawl inside, no matter how small, i'd do it. I'd tear my limbs to fit inside because fitting in was never an option for me, there's a part of me that always feels the need to— like instinct." i forgot the username of the person who posted it, but god .. did this stick with me.
loneliness is like a reoccurring cut on my skin. each time it returned felt like that gaping wound was sliced over and over again. i wanted friends, i wanted connection, i wanted the warmth that movies and books reiterate you could feel through relationships. but i have been so unfortunate as a child to have only been exposed to other children that i either just couldn't get along with or that the time we had wasn't enough to form a deep, meaningful bond.
all i ever did was blame myself, that i wasn't like them enough, and that i wasn't the friend they wanted to have around.
i think this insecurity was prolonged and left to fester in ways it shouldn't have. i was unbelievably lonely and suffering internally because of it. i had to change. but how? how do i rip this out of my body? if i'm to blame, then surely if i changed then i would be liked, finally be liked enough that people would want to speak with me and stay.
i did my best to make friends, to cure my loneliness during my early teens but the feeling remained and unchanged.
but eventually, i figured something. i carefully built a person that i thought the majority would like based on the people I've observed before. someone unserious, approachable, open, easy, loud, lighthearted, but obnoxious, unbelievably gullible, and intrusive. a character with imperfections that are easy to mold right by others.
but it was a performance, it was sick. to think i made friends with interests that was so unlike my true ones. this persona was established online at first for years, then went on in real life for two years. eventually some characteristics would bleed into what i really was, or the lack of it now really. i had spent my adolescence, not studying, or preparing for my future, but attaching band-aids on a cut that needed to be sewn shut. i had spent my adolescence living as someone else, and forgetting myself completely. none of my interests were able to grow, i wasn't able to grow. i was incredibly stagnated.
now, i'm all broken limbs in a tiny box, i'm living a life of consequences. it all weighed down on the guilt i already feel. i don't feel connected to the people that feel connected to me. none of it worked.
i learned so late that i was fine the way i was, i learned so late that being alone was okay, i learned so late that being different and unlikeable by the rest was okay.
i was so afraid of being hurt and alone, that i never once stopped and think that maybe i wasn't the problem, maybe i just haven't gone out and met more people my age who were just like me.
it's so upsetting. i have missed out on a proper development, prioritized the wrong thing for so many years. it's upsetting. it's so upsetting.
why did i have to be so different from the rest? why couldn't i just be like everyone else?
it's ironic that i chased normalcy obsessively in search for a cure to loneliness, and in the end i was pushed back and remained different. it's laughable.
i am so exhausted, so frail, and heavy-limbed. i have so much to do, so many ideas to bring to life, and so many little goals waiting to be crossed off the mental list. i don't enjoy being aware of my exhaustion because i need to function. i only ever succeed to get things done by believing my feelings are secondary to the feelings of others.
uugghmmnnghghhgggguuuuuiiioggjgj need to get up. i need to get up.
i feel really bad for lying about my current disposition to a friend who trusts me and tells me everything about their life.
when you really think about it, the trust is incredibly one-sided in the context that i am allowed to worry about a friend, but they cannot do the same for me. it's me saying that i cannot trust them to handle me. which feels and, to me, is popularly perceived as unfair and unforgiving, selfish and dishonest.
i wish i could come here and say i'd like to change that, that i'll finally tell them how i am, and how i'm struggling. however, in my mind, by doing so, it'll be me willingly pushing stress, worry, and pain onto others when i am certain i am unchangeable and gross.
it'll be nice to be honest, to have built a relationship, and to be trusted and to trust. but i simply don't think i can do that to people i want to see happy and well. it's borderline selfish and selfless.
i remind myself constantly, throughout the day, that i am undeserving of feeling light whenever i get ideas of doing anything that serves only to please me.
it's an internal dialogue fueled by guilt and shame. while understanding and being aware that this is cruel and unforgiving, and that this isn't permanent, i have believed for some time now that limiting the goodness in my life is appropriate for a girl like me.
hachiware (my son) and me. i finally showered today, so i let myself hug him. i ate today, too. i want hachiware to know i am taking good care of myself. i might place him on my bed instead of my desk once i change my stinky bed sheets. TT
i never wanted to admit that it took a toll on me. by agreeing that it had power over me, would be surrendering to the idea that i can't do it, or perform good enough for it. but because i have to do it, i refuse to admit the consequences of keeping it.
i had rather blindly believe it couldn't hurt me while pushing through, than believe it's eating me and have that echo continuously in my body until i am nothing but this echo.
to make it all miserable, this mindset has kept me going. if i were to believe the latter, i would be burning in hell right now. to make it more miserable, i am going with the latter now.
for me, i stopped caring about my weight and appearance because i understood then that it couldn't change the bitterness and all the rot happening deep inside of me. that vanity, obsessing over it, and gaining it wouldn't fix me.
it would simply be money pouring down the drain when i buy products to sustain it, especially when my mind decides it's not worth it at all. now, i'm a fat thing existing only to inspire people to feel abhorrence.
recently, i've pondered if by means of suicide, i would successfully instill in people an understanding of the heavy weight i have carried with me for years. i've realized now, that i am constantly oversimplified and understood only by projection. it's painful to exist, and explain over and over again only to be met by another question, or be accused of blaming.
there is only guilt in my body, and i am constantly torn apart by believing i could do better and believing that no matter what i do, i'd turn my heel so it wouldn't amount to anything.
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