Which Helix character should you fight?
Alan Farragut: I wouldn’t recommend fighting Alan. HE IS LITERALLY A TREE and even though he might not have a lot of combat strategy up his sleeves it doesn’t matter because you know what else about his sleeves? They are long and so are his pants because he has LONG limbs and therefore a LONG reach and could probably strangle you at arm’s length and you wouldn’t even be able to hit him. The element of surprise is needed.
Peter Farragut: DO NOT FIGHT PETER. I SAY AGAIN. DO NOT FIGHT PETER FARRAGUT. He is short and angry and muscular and might also stab you repeatedly with a surgical scalpel and then disembowel you and hang you upside down like some sort of survival-horror reverse Jesus.
Hiroshi Hatake: Um, you watched Season 2 Ep 4, right? If you still want to fight this fucking 514-year-old master swordsman make sure he’s tripping balls and hallucinating his dead wife bc otherwise you my friend are FUCKED.
Julia Walker: Fight Julia. Why the fuck not? It would be an honor and a privilege to have this boss-ass bitch axe your stupid ass. Also she’s immortal so you would really have to fucking destroy her if you wanted to win. She gives a lot of fucks about humanity though, so if you grovelled at the feet of her expensive hiking boots or killer business-lady heels she MIGHT let you live after she hands you your own ass. Might.
Sarah Jordan: Why would you want to fight Sarah? Hasn’t she fucking been through enough what the hell is wrong with you?1!!1?!
Doreen Boyle: You’d probably beat Doreen in a fight but what could you possibly have to fight about with her? She is gr9 and not a known giver of fucks. She’d hear your challenge, snort in amusement, and put her earbuds back in and crank her alt-rock tunes to avoid listening to any more or your bullshit.
Sergio Balleseros: ABORT MISSION DO NOT FIGHT SERGIO. Firstly because this fucker will never take you on in a fair fight, he’ll get you when you least expect it and IT WILL BE BRUTAL AND UNRELENTING and probably involve some sort of stabbing implement. Unless he’s already injured or otherwise preoccupied, don’t even start with Major Balleseros. That’s the only way you will EVER get the upper hand on him and I assure you, you’d better hope that if you get that advantage you use it to finish him off because what doesn’t kill him should buy an overpriced racing vehicle and get the fuck away because he will be coming for your blood.
Anana Ashoona: Anana is fucking amazing okay you shouldn’t be fighting her you should be bowing at her feet. If you’re a tall, muscular dude then you might have the advantage over her, but then you’d have to deal with the combined response of the Twinuits and Sergio. Also she always carries handcuffs and a gun. Face it, if you’ve challenged her, it’s probably already too late for you.
Daniel Aerov/Miksa Ashoona: He’s like a fucking force of nature okay he’s 6′5′’ and has been using firearms since he was like 5 years old. He’s head of security at one of the most groundbreaking biological research facilities in the world and he’s not even 30 so let me assure you this motherfucker knows some shit about laying the smackdown on your ass. If you fight him the cleanup crew will be scraping you off of the linoleum floors of Arctic Biosystems with a spatula. That’s if Anana doesn’t get to you first for having a go at her baby bro.
Toluk Ashoona: See above regarding size and physical power. And Toluk can hold a grudge okay like he’s a big gruff teddy bear around his sister but he was ready to punch Hatake the fuck out at the end of Season 1 and we all know how hardcore that asshole is. If you even JOKE about fighting this dude he will never forget it. Again, Anana will also be on the warpath if she finds out. Don’t find Toluk okay please love yourself.
Constance Sutton: This bitch will fuck you up whilst wearing Dior and never tossing a single hair out of place. She co-runs a global pharmaceutical giant and will business-speak your weak ass down to a puny compromise which you’ll accept gratefully because she’s so goddamn fierce. Also she’s immortal so good luck with trying to stop her unless you are Hatake or are extremely proficient with the use of garrote wire.
Kyle Sommer: The sweetest and purest of all the cinnamon buns on this cold and thankless earth. If you seriously want to fight Kyle, you have bigger problems than the fairly-fought ass-kicking he will hand you right before he cuffs you to a post and leaves you there to think about what you’ve done.
Amy DuBois: Fight Amy. Do it. She’s small but conniving and feisty as fuck. If nothing else, it’ll make for a damn good show. Just make sure she has no access to a weapon of any kind because she will use it to bleed you dry and possibly laugh while she does it. This bitch would slow-dance over your bloodied corpse and enjoy ever moment. If you fight her, show no mercy. Not a single fucking bit.
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