i didn’t know it could happen to me
i just watched buzz feed’s video i didn’t know it could happen to me so i wanted to talk about it.
it was fall break and i was drinking with a bunch of people from high school at this boy’s house. half way through the night i went outside to throw up with my “best friend”. i kept drinking after that. later i walked home with my “best friend” and this guy. the walk was kind of fuzzy. my friend lived in the other direction so she left. this boy had been hitting me up asking to visit me at school, but i wasn’t really into it because i knew he had been talking to my younger sister. i always warned her not to do anything with him, too, because i always thought he would try to have sex with her and she was quite younger than us. i ended up in a parking lot across the street from my house making out with him. when i realized what i was doing i remember telling him i had to go. he kept asking me to go home with him and i kept saying no. then i don’t remember anything. i remember falling up the stairs to go to my room.
i woke up the next day and i was still wearing the same clothes and i was soaking wet. i had leaves down my pants. i was extremely confused and knew something was wrong but instead i chose to think nothing of it.
five days later i was back at school and my “best friend” called me. she told me that the boy said we had sex. at this point i didn’t even think it happened to me. i just said that wasn’t true and he was lying. then she started telling me all these details he’d given her. i started crying and called him. i asked if it was true. i told him i thought he raped me. immediately i was told by him how it was my fault and i “initiated it” and how i could ruin his life. looking back i know it wasn’t my fault but in that moment i believed him. i blamed myself. i couldn’t believe that i would have initiated it considering i didn’t want anything to do with him in the first place, but i still blamed myself.
i called my ex boyfriend and told him what had happened. i didn’t know if i’d been raped or if it really was my fault.
days after the phone call, he hooked up with my younger sister (who had just turned 16) and tried to have sex with her, too.
it was so hard to talk about with anyone because i blamed myself. it was hard too because my rapist told everyone i was lying. every one. people that i wasn’t even friends with. even though i had been too drunk to remember what had happened. even though he explicitly told me on the phone that he had sex with me. i felt like i had no proof of what happened to me. it was my word against his.
over winter break, my “best friend” one night excitedly told me this boy was going to hang out with us. the boy who raped me. over spring break, my “best friend” told me how depressed he was and how he was a victim in all of this. over summer break, my “best friend” stopped talking to me and started dating this boy.
going through that was probably one of the hardest parts of not blaming myself too. my so called best friend, who knew about the entire situation and saw the effects on me, i felt, had invalidated what i had gone through. it was like a punch in the gut. i still don’t understand how someone could do that. it brought me back to square one of blaming myself and just asking why.
months later, i was at a party at school with my friend. i walked upstairs with her and came face to face with him. he kept asking to talk to us, which i refused. he ended up telling my friend and screaming at me across a party that “we never had sex” and he “made it up because of his ego” and how he “lost all of his friends because of me.”
of course, none of that was true which i knew from the original phone calls and the morning after.
what kind of fucked person continues to put someone through that. as far as i’m concerned, if you rape someone you deserve to lose all your friends. to tell everyone that i was lying for a year and then to fabricate a new story is fucking pathetic. to come up to me after all the pain you have caused me is disgusting. to yell about my trauma across a fucking party with people i don’t even know is evil. i wish i had known the morning after so i could have done something about it. i wish you were in fucking jail.
i know it’s not my fault. i know i didn’t deserve that.
but i did think that it could never happen to me.
vaporwave
romaincrisis
theartofmadeline
jbbartram-illu
dededos
baratheonpilled
