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ellievsbear
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PUT YOUR BEARD IN MY MOUTH
ojovivo
h
shark vs the universe
Sade Olutola
Game of Thrones Daily
I'd rather be in outer space 🛸
YOU ARE THE REASON
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$LAYYYTER
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Sweet Seals For You, Always
Keni
"I'm Dorothy Gale from Kansas"
blake kathryn
Lint Roller? I Barely Know Her
if i look back, i am lost
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@8full
i hope i am a friend to u but also,, a text-based soap opera, for u, my mutuals. because if not one of us is getting some form of entertainment from my fucking personal hell right now then we are all losing. bring out your popcorn.
ough my heart aches. my heart is breaking. i would like it if my heart and my brain and my body werent all collapsing big super nova style all at once. i have to move house i Cant deal with this rn.
:P
cw: suicide/ideation. also disclaimer i'm FINE don't WORRY i'm good i promise.
anyways depression spiral so bad i kinda sit back and go: wow, y'know, i get why people kill themselves. if i felt like this all the time without my tiny rope holding me together, i'd also probably just stop.
like, the fuck? i could not imagine living like this every day. really fucking incredible props to the people that manage to keep going in spite of it. fuckin' hell.
"you shouldn't be full of food, you should be full of packing peanuts!!"
"eat! packing! peanuts!"
about a month ago i picked up a small notebook that i carry around regularly; in it i write little letters to my lover semi-regularly.
i write about all sorts of things: the night before, the things we did that day, something i thought about that i wanted to expand upon, a memory, and even writing an entry while tracking their flight overseas and accompanying it with a doodle of an airplane and my approximation of what they looked like napping cutely in their seat.
each letter has the date of the day i wrote it on; with the intent that one day— when i fill up the book— i'll surprise them with it and they'll get to read my musings over time as we got closer and closer.
more yap about my sweet sweet bf
he came over last night and after we got ready for bed i was showing him something when i saw a thing of chocolates on my desk— i looked at it quizzically and went "?? wait why is there chocolates on my desk?" then i looked over at him and he just smiled and softly said "got them for you."
he didnt even tell me he just placed them there for me to find whenever i saw them.
so when we were laying in bed looking at each other, i asked him if he wanted to share them with me and he said "yeah? i'll have the ones you don't want."
i go "uhh no, how about you have ones you like??"
there was a soft moment of time until i again brought up "what ones do you like?"
he smiled at me and softly said "the ones you don't like" and i huffed at him.
i visited him today and gave him one of each flavor.
i really love him. i really really feel sure about him. he's my person. we're so similar yet such different people and it makes him so interesting, and he's so sweet and genuinely kind and caring, and so so funny. i feel so rich with things i could praise and claim my adoration for about him, the list never ends. i haven't felt quite like this before.
objectively i look at this whole situation and i feel so shocked that it's him— if you told me a year ago that it'd be him, i'd have snorted at you. there are lines of people that would make more sense. but somehow, in some way, the world rolled dice and we discovered 'you're my person' with each other, which feels like winning the lottery.
i so often feel like i must be more obsessed with him than he likes me. and then times like last night will happen and he'll ask when he can see me because he's "having withdrawals". he'll look at me in bed while stroking my skin on my arms or stroking a thumb on my cheek and say "i love your eyes." "you're so beautiful." he hugged me so tightly and said "i love you so much. you're my person." softly under his breath. he listened to me talk about my disabilities and asked if i was sad about my chronic fatigue and he listened to me say 'i'm not really sad anymore, often frustrated, but i don't remember what it was like to wake up ready to take on the day and feel energetic anymore, so it's hard to be sad about what i cant remember to miss' and he pulled me in and hugged me tightly while rambling about how awful that is; i chuckled and patted his head and told him its really fine and not to worry and he shot back a 'it's not fine!! that's so sad!!!'. somewhat refreshing to remember that i am owed sympathy and empathy, so often my interactions are just very mutual 'yeah fuckin sucks dont it'.
in a soft hushed tone he sternly told me to "have people with energy do things for you" i told him i wish i could, but i'd feel guilty/struggle to accept help. he bartered back "i'll do the things for you!" i said i can't ask that of him; "why?" i explained that he has other things he needs to take care of; he very decidedly responded: "it's fine, i have the energy."
i love him. i think i knew i would— from what felt like day 1 with him listening to me say i was a deeply damaged and sad person and him energetically and earnestly responding "i will do whatever i can to make you happy" and making me flustered and needing to elaborate that it's not his responsibility to fix me. until now: with him listening to me talk about my limitations and my ails and my struggles and him telling me he'll help me, he'll support me, asking me over and over what i like and what feels good and what he can do to make me happy.
i have had so many moments of wondering: he said he hadn't felt the way he feels about me with anyone before, he hadn't been in a relationship as deep as this before, only what felt like surface-level; and these admissions always made me wonder if i was going to be an infatuation or phase for him.
but he just seems to love me more and more. ask for me more and more. commit more and more.
"i'm looking forward to years of fixing old hondas with you."
"as long as you're there, that's all that matters to me."
last night i asked him 'how are you?' and he said 'i'm missing you. that's how i am.' and, again, i felt such immediate relief that he feels the same. i explained that i thought about dropping by his place earlier but opted to not because he'd seen me so much already and i wasn't sure if i was too much.
he then skipped over my nonsense and just went direct to: 'I could stay over again' which made my heart leap, then he followed it with 'I WANT TO' which is such a silly way of affirming but so so needed for my anxiety/autism.
he fell asleep beside me while i doodled.
more yap about my sweet sweet bf
he came over last night and after we got ready for bed i was showing him something when i saw a thing of chocolates on my desk— i looked at it quizzically and went "?? wait why is there chocolates on my desk?" then i looked over at him and he just smiled and softly said "got them for you."
he didnt even tell me he just placed them there for me to find whenever i saw them.
so when we were laying in bed looking at each other, i asked him if he wanted to share them with me and he said "yeah? i'll have the ones you don't want."
i go "uhh no, how about you have ones you like??"
there was a soft moment of time until i again brought up "what ones do you like?"
he smiled at me and softly said "the ones you don't like" and i huffed at him.
i visited him today and gave him one of each flavor.
i really love him. i really really feel sure about him. he's my person. we're so similar yet such different people and it makes him so interesting, and he's so sweet and genuinely kind and caring, and so so funny. i feel so rich with things i could praise and claim my adoration for about him, the list never ends. i haven't felt quite like this before.
objectively i look at this whole situation and i feel so shocked that it's him— if you told me a year ago that it'd be him, i'd have snorted at you. there are lines of people that would make more sense. but somehow, in some way, the world rolled dice and we discovered 'you're my person' with each other, which feels like winning the lottery.
i so often feel like i must be more obsessed with him than he likes me. and then times like last night will happen and he'll ask when he can see me because he's "having withdrawals". he'll look at me in bed while stroking my skin on my arms or stroking a thumb on my cheek and say "i love your eyes." "you're so beautiful." he hugged me so tightly and said "i love you so much. you're my person." softly under his breath. he listened to me talk about my disabilities and asked if i was sad about my chronic fatigue and he listened to me say 'i'm not really sad anymore, often frustrated, but i don't remember what it was like to wake up ready to take on the day and feel energetic anymore, so it's hard to be sad about what i cant remember to miss' and he pulled me in and hugged me tightly while rambling about how awful that is; i chuckled and patted his head and told him its really fine and not to worry and he shot back a 'it's not fine!! that's so sad!!!'. somewhat refreshing to remember that i am owed sympathy and empathy, so often my interactions are just very mutual 'yeah fuckin sucks dont it'.
in a soft hushed tone he sternly told me to "have people with energy do things for you" i told him i wish i could, but i'd feel guilty/struggle to accept help. he bartered back "i'll do the things for you!" i said i can't ask that of him; "why?" i explained that he has other things he needs to take care of; he very decidedly responded: "it's fine, i have the energy."
i love him. i think i knew i would— from what felt like day 1 with him listening to me say i was a deeply damaged and sad person and him energetically and earnestly responding "i will do whatever i can to make you happy" and making me flustered and needing to elaborate that it's not his responsibility to fix me. until now: with him listening to me talk about my limitations and my ails and my struggles and him telling me he'll help me, he'll support me, asking me over and over what i like and what feels good and what he can do to make me happy.
i have had so many moments of wondering: he said he hadn't felt the way he feels about me with anyone before, he hadn't been in a relationship as deep as this before, only what felt like surface-level; and these admissions always made me wonder if i was going to be an infatuation or phase for him.
but he just seems to love me more and more. ask for me more and more. commit more and more.
"i'm looking forward to years of fixing old hondas with you."
"as long as you're there, that's all that matters to me."
played minecraft with the bf for the first time last night (he met my parents yesterday btw!!) and that guy was SHOOING me out of his house when he was setting up the realm so i could go home and get on minecraft with him and the boys. i love this dork.
he's also so sweet; i've never gamed with him before, so i kinda just observed how he goes: he's really attentive and focused on helping his lads. always picking up stuff for them cheerily or making sure they've all got armor (so they dont die) and i thought it was quite warm and charming to see.
he brought me flowerssss. and then when he found a cherry blossom biome, the first thing he said was that he found it, there was a pause in comms as he was running around, and then a soft "i'm gonna bring you one :)"
sing me a tune, lover boy.
so, i have a cheeky hex code as a handle for my personal insta. before Rover ever confessed/before we knew we liked each other, i followed him on the personal and he actually looked up the handle because he thought that it must have some meaning; then messaged saying it was clever after he found out what it was and how it related to me.
one of the first times we were intimately close (like kissin n shit) in his room, he played some music that i was really vibing to. i was stuck wondering if he was just playing a random mix or if spotify was suggesting based on other tracks.
the next time we were in his room, i asked him if he could put on the tunes again. he did, and they were really nice.
tonight i asked if he could put on his music (i like it!! and it fits such a vibe) he said sure but then asked me if i wanted the same 'lovey' playlist he always plays. i said 'playlist?' thinking maybe it's a spotify generated one, cos i know his music tastes are much more dnb than they are sweet modern softpop and 80s vibey songs.
he held his phone up to me and told me to look at the name of the second top left playlist of his recently played.
it was the hex code. it was named after my handle.
i gently picked up the phone from his outstretched hand and pulled up the playlist and looked at him in awe. he explained that he made it for me, and that the last time i asked him to play the tunes i liked from the first time, it was that playlist. he made a playlist out of songs that he probably wouldn't know if i liked or disliked, and every time it's played i've loved the mix.
he made it sometime before/maybe just after confessing to me (edit: he made it the day after confessing to me). i asked when he was planning to show it to me, and he replied "if things went well. if they didn't, i would've probably deleted it and been sad— or i would've listened to it and cried or something." and chuckled.
had to explain to him that the reason i'm super sensitive about my music because music is a vulnerable thing for me, like a love language. and somehow he made a little playlist, all on his own accord, of songs that i really like and/or recognized, and it was for me the whole time.
mmMMMM
i had a very fkn romantic kinda kissy fuckin dream last night about bike mechanic flower boy which is NOT what i need in my life because that will NEVER happen and i Cannot Be Thinking About The Very Real-Feeling-Dream Of Kissing The Bro Whenever I See Said Bro 🥴
this is, like, cosmically fucking hilarious to look back on.
thoughts
im still getting used to the reality that Rover is actually my partner and someone who loves me, because again— for the longest time who he was to me was entirely defined as the amazing guy i always saw from afar that i wish i could be friends with but probably never will. that was him for over a year and a half.
his last relationship (a short one, in the grand scheme of things) didn't work out because the girl wanted to see him all the time and he wanted space to do his own thing. i heard that and have been cautiously viewing us through that lens: how do i give him the space he needs, how do i not suffocate him, am i being too much? do i like him too much?
and then i'll go quiet. and he'll message me every night anyways, wondering how my day was or how my night is going.
we had the scramble to get to our works this morning after he stayed the night (we got… little sleep) and i knew he was tired so i tried to let him be this evening, and he went for dinner with Katana, so i tried to get my mind off obsessing over him by going out and doing stuff for me: went to the gym, went for a ride, happened across Drift Frog and Penguin and got to spend some really needed soothing friend time with the girls, went home and fed myself and showered. did all the right things. still felt low.
check my phone and Rover messaged asking 'darling are you home?' (fuck, my heart) and if he could drop by after his ride.
he came by and loved me to pieces outside with kisses and holding me and the smiles and we sat on the curb and talked and said i love you and just. dude.
he almost came inside for a bit until i caught the time on his phone and stopped myself from indulging him in us ruining his sleep for work tomorrow. coaxed him into getting his gear on to go home. he looked at me after some more moments of quiet sweetness and loving, and in such exasperation and this sorta smiling shock, said "you don't get it, I used to be so independent— look at what you've done to me."
i felt so worried about being too much, but he's just as smitten as i am. it took such strong logical argument for him to sigh and admit that coming inside wasn't good for him and that he needed to go home and sleep. all i wanted was to pull him inside and keep him to myself. when he got home he echoed the shared sentiment of wishing we weren't apart.
i thought again about his past relationship.
then i remembered him saying "I've never loved someone like this before" to me, about me.
i sure do have some object permanence issues, huh.
his "i love you, tawny" is still echoing around in my skull.
hi not sorry its more bf posting but this one is funny.
for anyone new here, he and i both ride motorcycles; we both left my place this morning– him first because he was running late– and though i left after and am a much less experienced rider, i managed to finally catch up enough to spot him down the road a decent distance from me (i did some hijinks to catch up…) and i fuckin saw him pop a wheelie on the same straight i usually gas it and zoom up. we are . the same.
caught him at the light, surprised him, and passed him when it went green and he was distracted looking at me. when he and i were then side by side down the road i gestured to him that i had seen his wheelie and that made him laugh.
hello my. my. boyfriend. … my boyfriend is coming over and he messaged me a boba menu and asked me if i wanted anything cos he may stop on the way. the what. i thought this only happened to girls in cute gram-worthy relationships u see on the internet. how the hell did i get in on this. i feel like an imposter. im venting? bro im venting??
jeez fucking louise.
i'm having a bad fatigue spell, message Rover saying a lil soft sappy thing about wishing i could sit with him on a patio, he said 'omw' and came over after his ride with a friend, sat on the patio with me talking– just like how i wished for earlier–, asked me about halo lore as someone who didnt play the games, kept talking further about it, and then asked me if we could play halo together.
shut the front door. i could fucking marry him. what the fuck
also u guys arent ready for this but my bf's birthday is the same as one of my longest best friends and my jeep (and my late grandmother). what divinity, huh
the other day Rover picked me up in The Baby and took me out to a cafe, insisted on paying, and when the barista (a friend of ours btw) asked what we were up to today, he immediately cheerily answered "we're on a date! :)" and my heart skipped.
it's really nice to be loved loudly.
speaking of being loved loudly— we went off-roading (beach dunes!! i drove my jeep and took him passenger and tore it the fuck UP babes) and afterwards while airing up the tires of the trucks, his buddy came over to talk to us and suggest a 3 couples off-roadie trip.
and then said buddy paused contemplatively, realized what he said, and then looked at Rover and I and went "couple… are you guys together? or seeing each other? i shouldn't've-"
i felt an arm reach around me and then Rover just chirps "-together!" with a smile. i looked over at him with surprise but he did not see it in the dark.
later chatted to him in the car with a "… so… together?" he looked confident and then flipped to concern with a 'yeah! wait, right?' and then we chatted a bit and uhhhhh
i have a boyfriend now.
the other day Rover picked me up in The Baby and took me out to a cafe, insisted on paying, and when the barista (a friend of ours btw) asked what we were up to today, he immediately cheerily answered "we're on a date! :)" and my heart skipped.
it's really nice to be loved loudly.