God. It does not feel like it has only been one week. But it has only been one week. I guess it doesn't feel that way because I was eating prepped meals before I started this thing off anyway. I'm getting sick of cooking, but I don't feel as tired as I did last week. I'm almost done and can see the finish line tonight. I'm glad I took some semi breaks part of the way through, and I know having cooked part of one meal last week served me well, so I repeated that and pre-made some things for week 3 that are in the freezer. Not sure how we'll go with frozen, uncooked chicken, but we'll see and we'll learn. I actually quite like eating things I've made and that I know what's in them, the doing it all in one day is where I feel a lot of pressure and resentment. I was feeling a lot of "but why do I have to go to this extreme when it seems that for so many other people of normal size that they do not." I guess I'll just be forever wondering that. There are so many reasons that make up the answer, and part of why I feel that way is because I can't seem to see that my body is changing. Everyone else can and I can on good days. But most of the time I feel deep fear that I am failing. That I am doing all this work and I am going to be a big fat failure. But I'm not special. Bodies are all different, sure, and I have some unique funky health issues, but all this work can't be for nothing, and the workouts I can continually feel myself getting better at. I still can't believe I ran. Twice. And 30 hiit is getting better. There are still things I can't do and I cry (disguised by sweat) in frustration, but the trainers are so encouraging and sensitive. And dammit I am going ham!! So it's not for nothing and I'm praying for the willingness to recognize that and for the negative shit talk voice to see its way out the door. Cause fear is no longer served at this table. Amen.
